


is it just me or are we fading?

by neekasc



Category: Buzzfeed The Try Guys (Web Series)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, All the time, And So Much More, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Being High, Depressed eugene, Depression, Dissociation, Drug Use, Drunkenness, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Intense, Multi, Nightmares, Overdose, Panic Attacks, Pre-Slash, Smoking, Sorry Not Sorry, The Try Guys, WorriedDad!Ned, a lot more than i thought wow sorry, alcoholic eugene, bc im an emotional piece of shit, but I'm not opposed to the idea, dissociating!Keith, don't want to spoil anything with the tags so don't read past here if you don't want spoilers, eugene has problems, eugene lee yang is struggling, hurt eugene, if you wanted zagene its gonna be a while, like a lot, possible pinning maybe if you squint but not really, probably, smoking is bad but depression is worse, struggling!Zach, supportive friends, trigger warning, worried friends, worried zach, zach is too observant
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2018-11-28
Packaged: 2019-07-04 01:26:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 69,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15830904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neekasc/pseuds/neekasc
Summary: Eugene just hopes no one notices...OR-Eugene has been struggling more than he normally does which causes him to spiral. Of course, in normal Eugene fashion, he tries to hide it from the guys and the fans. But how long can he keep his bad habits to himself before it starts effecting his work life.





	1. he's never been this bad before

**Author's Note:**

> slow beginning but like I'm trying so  
> This is post buzzfeed try guys but theres no tag for that yet ??

Eugene hated the YouTube comment section. He knew he hated it. He knew how it made him feel. Yet here he was, at three in the morning, mindlessly scrolling below their latest upload. Most of the comments were nice and supportive, but some were just… yeah. Relatively, there weren’t very many at all; but the ones that were there really hit hard. Then the fact that his brain just kind of takes over after reading a few comments, it’s just not good and he knows he shouldn’t be doing this. He knows he should be sleeping or working or doing anything else. Sometimes it’s hard to want to not hate yourself.

            With his already declining mental state, he was at ground zero for self-hatred.  But the thing he was most worried about was people noticing that there was something wrong with him. He was trying his best to act normal in front of the cameras and with the guys but his best wasn’t good enough because after a few days, the other three started picking up on something. They wouldn’t confront him about it though, so Eugene was just left to himself to think about how to continue deflecting and pretending.

            It took a while before he found a comment that mentioned him, or more specifically, him dissociating. _‘Is it just me or does Eugene seem kinda off in this??’_ There were four replies, all agreeing. Fucking shit. It’s just one comment but who knows how many people see it. What if it gets more replies and works its way up to some of the first comments that show up? The video hasn’t been up that long so anything could happen. What if people start to agree? His paranoid brain was definitely taking over now.

            He knew it would seem a bit silly in the morning but he really doesn’t want people to know how he’s doing. Especially not an entire audience of people. That was his business. He was barely willing to talk to the other guys about what’s going on.

            Suddenly, his head felt extraordinarily heavy on his shoulders. The Xanax must be kicking in. He pushed himself out of his chair and made it to the middle of the floor before giving up and lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling. It was almost if he could feel the ceiling staring back at him, but he was passed out before he could give anything a second thought.  

 

-

Two days earlier:

 

            The four had just finished recording and were heading back to their desks when Eugene headed in the opposite direction.

            “Where you going, Gene?” Keith asked. They all looked confused, considering they literally just decided they would go start editing then go get dinner. Eugene must’ve zoned out during that because he was ready to go home and sleep or maybe drink or something of the sort.

            “Oh-uh- I think I’m just gonna head home… I’m a little tired,” He was almost to the door.

            “Do you want us to bring you some food later?” Zach was too nice. Even when Eugene was flaky, Zach always wanted to try to include him.

            “I think I’m good…” halfway out the door, “Thanks, though,” and the door closed. Followed by a small silence and the remaining three just looking puzzled at the door and each other.

            “What was that about?” Ned questioned. He was sometimes more oblivious when it came to more personal things, which Eugene appreciated.

            “I have no idea,” Keith seemed a bit dumbfounded at the sudden departure of his friend. But it’s not like Eugene hadn’t done this before, it had just been a while.

            “He was acting kinda weird earlier…” Zach was the most observant, unfortunately. “While filming… You guys didn’t notice?”

            “I mean, not really… He was acting like he always does?” Keith sounded unsure because the more he thought about it, the more he realized.

            “No, he was super out of it… I mean his eyes were bloodshot when he came in,” Zach was almost whispering like he was saying something terrible.

            “You don’t think he was…” Ned was interrupted by Zach’s affirmation which was followed by an unusually quiet silence.

            “Well… Maybe we should keep an eye on him…?” Keith suggested. A series of nods from the other two was confirmation enough on how they were going to deal with the situation. With that, they continued to their desks to begin editing. The more they watched the footage, the more they could see what Zach was saying.

 

-

 

            By the time Eugene made it home, he had already forgotten the drive. His mind was thinking about everything and nothing all at the same time. He couldn’t stand it. But the sound of keys hitting the tile floor was enough to pull him out of his thoughts and back to real life. He could now feel the floor beneath his feet and it wasn’t something he liked. His body felt overly large and heavy as he moved each foot forward towards the kitchen.

            The number one thing on his mind was the new half-gallon of vodka in the cabinet. The number two was the other guys but all he wanted to focus on was number one. He pushed his friends out of his head and just thought about the drink and how good he will feel when he finally gets it in his system.

            He retires to the couch, with the bottle in one hand and the TV remote in another. Flipping on the news, he sees that Trump is still an idiot and the world still sucks. He supposes he’ll drink to that. He’ll drink to the end of the world if nothing else. We are practically living it anyway.

            The sounds of the news play distantly as he drinks more and more, slowly intoxicating himself, letting himself drift into the couch and the universe. One fourth of the bottle is gone when he feels his eyes flutter shut and his mind turn completely off. This is exactly where he wanted to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IG: 7startledstarfish  
> Tumblr: what-makes-you-laugh-karl  
> Wattpad: yepitsneeka  
> Gonna try to upload as much as possible, but school just started up so keep up with my life (only if you want, I'm not that interesting lol) follow me on these places. I will probably follow you back (especially if you tell me you came from here, I'm always trying to make new friends).


	2. it was all a dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> why did something so fake feel so real?

His eyes ached as he opened them, revealing a bright yellow orb that felt inches from his face. Beneath his fingers, he felt dirt and rock. His whole body felt stiff as he attempted to lift himself up. To his left, a burned, rusty, car sat in front of a tall, narrow house. It was gloomy and cast an eerie shadow across the empty desert surrounding it.

            Now standing, Eugene’s feet carried him mindlessly towards the house, no matter how much he wanted to go the opposite direction, he didn’t have much of a choice. The closer he got to the house, the bigger it seemed to get. It was stories above him now, towering over him in every way. But possibly the most chilling part was the mummified body leaning against the porch; until he looked up, of course, to see his mother sitting in a visibly old rocking chair, another man, that Eugene had never seen, sitting excruciatingly close to her.

            “Mom?” Eugene’s voice didn’t sound like his own. It was foreign and unnatural, sending shivers down his spine. His mother only stared at him, but in a way that made him feel invisible. She stared until she stood, walking toward the corpse, and kicking it repeatedly. Something about watching his mother kick the corpse made Eugene feel scared, like the body would hurt her, even though it was obviously dead. But Eugene wasn’t in control of his body anymore, “Mom? What are you doing? Stop!”

            He tried getting closer to her, but now the unknown man was in between them, blocking Eugene from stopping his mother.

“We need to leave,” He was monotone, but what he said made sense in Eugene’s head, even though he knew he needed to help his mother. But, of course his dumb fucking body still refused to actually listen to him, he stopped trying to get closer to her and just stood. He didn’t move, at all. And he watched the man walk toward the body as well before giving it one hard kick and walking toward the rusty car. As if the man was going to take him somewhere in that thing, Eugene thought sarcastically. Though, he followed him anyway, picking his feet up one at a time towards the car.

An ear-piercing scream caught his attention, immediately recognizing it as his mothers. Turning to face her, she was no longer there. All that was, was the mummified corpse standing where she stood and blood on the ground beneath it. Eugene caught the lifeless holes for eyes as it looked in his direction. A split second of fear erupted in his heart before the corpse starting running towards him and the other man. He couldn’t move, or even breathe, as he watched the body run at him. And he braced himself as best he could, but he wasn’t in control. It was inches from him but when he felt he should’ve been dead, he heard a man scream. Turning, this time it was the random man being attacked.

The corpse ripped off the jaw of the man, throwing it to the ground before pushing his face down the throat of the man, biting out his esophagus. It was only seconds before the man was just as gone as his mother was; and this time, Eugene knew it was his turn. His heart pumped an exceptional amount of blood through his body as he watched the corpse run at him. He felt every fiber of his body screech with pain. Red was the last thing he saw before he faded out.

The next time Eugene could see, he was standing in his old elementary school hallway. It was dark, with only few lights on, but at least he could see something other than red. As he looked around, he noticed the corpse lying on its back at Eugene’s feet. It made him jump back a little, and his first instinct was to start in the other direction.

He walked, then he ran. He was running through the near dark hallways of his childhood, fearing for what was behind him. The only thing he was running toward, were the double doors at the end of the hall. He felt particularly optimistic about these doors, which almost made him suspicious. But his legs carried him there, nonetheless.

Bursting through the doors was followed by a pitch-black kind of darkness. But he could still hear… Maybe it was some kind of creaking? He wasn’t sure, but he was terrified. Whatever it was had to be better than what was behind him, but that didn’t stifle the fear any more than he thought it would.

His eyes were overwhelmed with the amount of light that suddenly flooded the room. At first it was all white, but as his eyes adjusted, he realized he preferred the dark.

Everyone he loved was there. Not in the way he would want. They were all hanging by their necks from the ceiling, their jaws broken but still barely attached, dangling loosely from all of their individual faces. Zach, Ned, Keith, his parents. All his friends. Everyone he cared about. They were all there, hanging lifelessly. His heart stopped dead in his chest. He might as well be hanging there with everyone else.

But he felt a light touch on his shoulder. Before he could look back, he was swung around by an inhumanly strong force, causing him to stagger backwards. Only to be caught by what threw him. The fucking corpse had both its hands on his shoulders, preventing him from moving. It was in almost an instant that he felt his jaw dangle from his skull and his neck snap against a rope.

-

Eugene’s eyes snapped open almost as fast as the vomit that had escaped his mouth. Breathless, he coughed and gagged, trying to inhale as much air as he could get. Only to get choked up and spew even more vomit onto his shirt and couch. His eyes welled up with tears from lack of air and the deep-seated fear in his gut. Every inch of his body shook uncontrollably and his vision blurred on and off.

            Vomit threatened to come up more than once as he tried to catch his breath, but he refused to ruin his couch more than he already had. Forcing himself up, he almost fell back onto the couch from the waves of dizziness and nausea, making his shaking legs carry him to the bathroom. Luckily, it was on the same side of the house as the living room.

            Never had the feeling of tile on his knees and porcelain on his hands felt better in his entire life. He felt himself release what was left of his stomach into the toilet, not caring if he missed the bowl or got it on himself. His throat and nose burned intensely with the feeling of vomit and alcohol. He hated that he does this to himself but he knew this was just a temporary side effect to feeling good.

            He temporarily forgot about the horrific events of his dream because of the amount of vomit, but the forgetfulness was short-lived as he came to his senses. The anxious shaking returned and he felt his palms get warmer with every passing thought. He almost felt eyes on him as he rested himself against the bathtub. He rubbed his hands on the thigh of his pants and tried not to think about anything. But he could feel everything. The floor was now too cold and the air too hot. The knot in his stomach made him want to vomit more, even though there was no longer any substance, even alcohol, in his system. His head spun as the room began to shrink around him. There was no more oxygen in the air. He was breathless and scared. Flashing images of all his friends hanging from the ceiling kept appearing in front of him.

            He wondered if this is what it feels like to die. He felt like he could die. He felt like he was dying. Everything was trying to kill him and he could feel it. As the room tilted and turned, he pushed himself toward the sink, grabbing onto it as tightly as he could to make sure he would stay grounded and not float away. It felt almost impossible to pull himself up, but he tried his hardest with what he had in mind. He knew what could help him. He knew what he needed.

            The medicine cabinet was fuller than it usually is and he knew why (but that was a thought for another time). He shuffled through all the contents, scanning every bottle and bag, finally finding his personal cure.

            The orange bottle was old, but the pills were new. He felt a few fall into his hands, not looking down at them, just assuming it was no more than five, hopefully. Throwing them back, he used the faucet to aide his overly dry throat wash down the questionable amount of Xanax.

            His hands still shook, but he was relieved that he knew he would feel better. Relieved that he could go to sleep now and maybe not worry about seeing any corpses or dead friends. Hopefully. If he was religious, he might’ve prayed to make sure he never had to see either of those things again. But, he wasn’t, so it was drugs for him instead. They were basically the same though, right?

            He stumbled from the bathroom, down the hall, dragging himself on all the walls, making it to his room. Feeling himself collapse against the bouncy surface made his chest feel a little lighter and his stomach a little looser. He didn’t worry about the vomit covered clothes still on his body, and he just drifted. Letting the Xanax take over his system. Letting himself be numbed by the drug until he finally fell unconscious. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> based on a nightmare one of my friends actually had once... creepy shit


	3. only half awake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very tired so tell me if there are any mistakes that I need to fix later. If not, great lmao.

Zach is normally one of the first to show up to work, then Ned, Keith and (always last) Eugene. Or at least recently. Eugene used to always be the first to work every day, but that changed a few weeks ago. Since then, he has worked his way down the list and comes in last. Every. Fucking. Day. That is, if he comes in at all. Normally, there’s at least one or two days every other week where he just doesn’t come in, giving some totally bullshit excuse that Zach sees right through but never says anything about.

            Zach knows Eugene has a lot more on his mind than any of the other three guys could even know and he doesn’t want to push boundaries, but goddamn, this was getting ridiculous. Especially after yesterday. He had never seen Eugene so… _out of it_. It was almost surreal to see someone you care for just… numb? He didn’t even know how to describe how Eugene was acting. He knew Eugene came in high but he wasn’t for sure until the whole day had passed.

            At first, he blamed it on allergies or maybe Eugene had been crying? But Zach was sure that he was just high. He knew it. And it hurt. He knew Eugene was really into drinking, but drugs? That was definitely new. He was caught in between confronting him and scoping out the situation a little more just in case he had it all wrong. Maybe Eugene took one too many allergy pills or something? Drugs were serious and there was no way Eugene could be fucking around with them, right? Zach was really hoping for the best at this point but he didn’t really know what to think.

            As much as Zach hated to admit, he really liked Eugene. In a way that wasn’t the same as Keith and Ned. Obviously, he loves them all but he felt some sort of way for Eugene specifically but he just doesn’t know how to explain it. He doesn’t even really know what it is, but he knows it’s there. Maybe he considered Eugene to be more like his brother than he did the other two? Just thinking about how he felt made his head spin and he has too much work to be fucking around with his emotions.

            Luckily Ned walking in, distracting Zach from his thoughts. God, had it already been that long since he came in? Ned always came in with a smile, no matter how little sleep he had gotten the night before because of the baby, “Mornin’ Zach.”

            “Hey…” Zach smiled back, trying to sound not so in his own head. “How’d you sleep?”

            “Oh, like a baby!” the sarcasm rang through the room followed by a few laughs from the two of them. It was a nice way to start of the day. Better than wallowing in their thoughts, at least. “Have you started editing yet?”

            “Just about to…” Zach turned to his desk and pulled up the video. “If I start this, would you maybe go get me some tea? Please?” He dragged out the e of please, knowing Ned would probably go get him tea anyway.

            “Oh, fine!” he says, like he was even debating not doing it anyway. He left the room to go to the kitchen as Keith entered. “Want anything from the kitchen?”

            Keith held up his coffee cup, “I’m good, thanks though.” And sat at his desk next to Zach’s. It wasn’t that Keith wasn’t a morning person but he wasn’t necessarily the biggest fan of being awake in the morning. At all. Ever. Zach knew he should probably wait until Keith finishes his first coffee to start up any kind of conversation.

            Therefore, it was a quiet few minutes waiting for Ned to return with the tea. But neither of them minded considering the video they filmed yesterday needed to be finished editing and they had quite a bit of work ahead of them. Oh, the joys of running your own company. When Ned brought him his tea, he was set, fully throwing himself into finishing this video.

            Before he knew it, an hour had already passed and it was 10:30. Where did the time go? He looked around to see Keith’s empty coffee cup and Eugene’s empty chair. He nudged Keith, “Have you heard from Eugene today?”

            All he got for a response was a look toward Eugene’s desk and a discouraged head shake. Zach turned to Ned, “Ned? Have you heard from Eugene?”

            “Um…” He checked his phone for notifications, “No not yet…” Shit. Normally he’d at least tell us at this point if he was not going to be here.

            “I’m going to text him… Make sure he’s alright,” Zach picked up his phone and Ned gave him a concerned nod.

Z: _Hey, you coming in today?_

            It was probably fifteen minutes of anxiety for Zach before he finally felt his phone buzz.

            E: _No sorry I’m feeling a bit sick_ _L_

Z: _That’s okay. Just tell us if you need anything._

His anxiety didn’t stop after he received the text. If anything, it worsened. What if Eugene was skipping work to do drugs? Oh god, Zach’s brain was working so hard. Everything from drugs to cancer was making him worry about Eugene. He knew it was probably a stupid thing to assume and he was probably wrong but his head kept telling him the same things over and over. If Eugene didn’t come in tomorrow, he would confront him. Maybe. If he doesn’t pussy out first.

 

-

 

            Eugene couldn’t feel his face when he woke up. Not like it was anything out of the ordinary, just a little surreal every time. He could feel the benzos still in his system, circulating every inch of his body. When he went to stand, he almost immediately fell back onto the bed, pain shooting up to his temples. He groaned, trying to gather enough energy to try and stand again. His shirt was crusted with vomit from the night before, but his memory of what exactly happened was blurry. He could remember the bodies and the vomit. Nothing more, nothing less. Did he watch some sort of scary movie last night?

            He used the wall as a support to walk to his closet for some fresh clothes. Why was everything so difficult this morning? Just thinking about the journey, he was about to make to the bathroom made him tired. But he started there anyway. As much as he wanted to go back to sleep, he wasn’t going to allow himself to continue to be in these clothes. God forbid someone find him like that. High? Yeah, fine, whatever. But not high with dry vomit all over himself.

            The TV was still playing as he walked towards his destination. Well, hopefully his electric bill won’t be too much this month. He distanced himself from the wall to grab the remote and caught sight of his phone and vodka on the couch. A tad of vomit accompanying the pair. He silenced the TV, grabbing his phone to check the time. 10:43. Shit. Late for work. Again. He scrolled down, revealing a notification from Zach, asking if he was going to come in today. His first thought was fuck no, but he wasn’t going to say that to Zach. He sent back a quick ‘sorry I’m sick text’ and threw his phone back on the couch. He didn’t want to talk to anyone today.

            After a quick swig from the bottle, he finally made it to the bathroom. Which was an absolute mess. There was more fucking vomit in and around the toilet, the medicine cabinet was wide open, and his Xanax bottle was in the sink with the cap very terribly screwed on. What the fuck happened last night?

            He set the shower to the hottest setting before placing himself on the tub floor, letting the water hit his face first, scalding his skin with every drop. It hurt, but he didn’t mind. It made him feel more human. It was an almost calming kind of pain, he probably could’ve fallen asleep had he let himself drift. But he’d rather not be known as the guy who drowned in a fucking shower because he was tripping on xans.

            He got out of the shower feeling both better and worse than he did before. He felt clean, which was nice, but he was feeling dizzy again. Just a constant wave of dizziness hung over him as he put on his clothes and brushed his teeth. By the time he was exiting the bathroom, he was surprised he hadn’t completely collapsed. But with that thought, he didn’t think he could make it to his bed, so instead he settled for the couch. Throwing his zombie like body down, he felt his phone beneath him and he pulled it up, illuminating the screen. There was only one notification. From Zach, of course, saying to call if he needed anything.

            Eugene needed a lot, but not anything he could get from calling one of the guys. He placed his phone on the coffee table and rolled himself over, melting into the couch and letting his consciousness slip away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IG: 7startledstarfish  
> Tumblr: what-makes-you-laugh-karl  
> Wattpad: yepitsneeka


	4. late nights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wrote this while with friends (and high as fuck) so I hope its not shit™

The next time Eugene opens his eyes, it’s dark outside. All of his limbs are heavy and his head is pulsating. Thank god there were no lights on in his apartment, he doesn’t think his brain can handle that. He blinks a few times to adjust his eyes to the room but it doesn’t quite work. He doesn’t want any light, but at the same time, the darkness of the room is making his hands sweat. His phone is the first thing he feels when he throws his arm towards the coffee table.

            The luminous screen pierces his eyes, causing him to instantly cover his face, but he adapts. Looking closer at the phone, the time reads 11:49 pm. Yet another day down the drain. He scrolls through the notifications on his lock screen. Twitter. Twitter. Twitter. Tumblr. Twitter. Instagram. Twitter. Zach. _I’m getting dinner, if you want me to bring you anything._ Five hours ago. Of course, he would offer me dinner. Even after not showing up for work and lying about it. Zach is truly too pure for this world.

            Eugene lets out an audible sigh and tries his best to not feel like a piece of shit even though he still does. Much to his dismay, all of his high had worn off. And now, he was caught in between getting up to take more and trying to maybe get some work done. He knew he needed to be at least a little productive since he’s been so flaky with work lately. Fuck, he just wanted to be high though. A workaholic druggie, what a paradox.

            But the only problem with the latter was his laptop is still at the fucking office. Nothing can be as simple as he wants them to be, of course. Then again, he’s doing this all to himself, so there’s no one else he can blame for his problems.

            The lights were instantly too bright for his head but he kept them on anyway, forcing himself to see his surroundings. His apartment was a mess. It was mostly just empty bottles of an assortment of alcohol scattered on the floor and tables, an occasional empty pack of cigarettes and pill bottles. He was a fucking mess and knew it. He felt a pang in his chest as he looked at his place, almost motivating him to want to get better, but he was in too deep. He couldn’t even pull himself up at this point.

            Grabbing a trash bag from the kitchen, he began to collect the trash. He still avoided his room though, not wanting to see that kind of mess. He would save that for any other day. His room was only somewhere he went if things got really bad or when he needed a change of clothes. He set the now full bag by his front door and headed towards the bathroom, opening the medicine cabinet. Only one right now would be enough, especially if he was going to work anytime soon. His headache needed a bit more though, he grabbed a few ibuprofens before switching off the light.

            Keys, wallet, phone, trash, and he was out the door; dropping off the trash at the building dumpster before getting in his car. The drive from his place to the office was fairly short but he wanted to make a few stops before going in. First at the little, dingy corner store to grab a new pack of reds. Next, to the McDonalds a few blocks from the office because it hit him that he hadn’t eaten since before filming the other day. He would be freaking out but this isn’t the first time he’s forgotten to eat for long periods of time. In fact, he would normally go longer but the sound of fries was too much for him to decline. Plus, he needed some caffeine, so he grabbed a coffee as well.

            He parked in front of the office, arriving sooner than he would’ve liked. 12:32 am. God, his sleep schedule was so fucked. Pulling out a cig, he lit up with his car lighter, inhaling deeply. He wished he didn’t smoke. Out of everything he does and has done, this was the thing he hated most. It made him feel disgusting but the feeling of smoke in his lungs and the cylinder on his lips was too addicting to pass up.

            He popped a fry in his mouth in between hits. He could feel the years of his life being shaved off but he didn’t care. If there was one person he could make happy, if no one else, it was the grim reaper. He finished his red, keeping the butt in the car. He could litter himself all he wanted but he wouldn’t litter the already delicate earth.

            The office looks so different at night. It’s almost like a whole different world. Empty. Quiet. It’s nice but in the worst way. Eugene liked to be alone, but not in places that were supposed to be full of life. It looked unnatural to not have anyone here with him, especially the other guys.

            He sat at his desk, forcing himself to work. And he did. He worked mindlessly until small rays of yellow peered through the window, causing him to look up. The clock above his desk read 6:24. Only a few more hours to the guys show up so he won’t have to be alone anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IG: 7startledstarfish  
> Tumblr: what-makes-you-laugh-karl  
> Wattpad: yepitsneeka


	5. workdays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it was a few days. this chapter was a bitch to write for some reason :// that Writer's Block™ was really hitting hard so I'm sorry if this is absolute shit lmao

Yet again, Zach was the first to arrive to the office that day. But he was confused by Eugene’s car on the curb and the lights on inside. 9:30. Eugene was definitely not supposed to be here yet. As he passed the car, he peaked inside, seeing the pack of Marlboro Red cigarettes sitting in the middle cup holder. Since when did Eugene smoke? In all the time that he knew Eugene, he never caught him doing something so low. Smoking weed was one thing, but cigarettes? Zach was dumbfounded.

He didn’t know if he should bring it up when he sees Eugene. Part of him did, but another part didn’t even want to talk to him. Ever. Cigarettes were so disgusting. He couldn’t believe Eugene would even think about doing that to his body. A part of him wanted to break into the car and get rid of the pack so Eugene wouldn’t have them but then he realized he could literally just go buy more. Would he buy more?

A kind of disappointed anger resided in the pit of his stomach. He wasn’t even sure if he should tell the other guys about this. What would they think? He could feel himself slam the door without meaning to as he entered the office. His mind going a million miles per hour, trying to decide what the first thing to come out of his mouth should be.

When he saw Eugene, he couldn’t decide if he looked better or worse than he did the other day. There was an empty small McDonalds fry bag and large coffee cup on his desk accompanied by one of the bigger office mugs that was completely full. Eugene didn’t seem to notice that Zach was even here. Of course, he was caught between speaking and staying silent.

“Morning,” Zach’s voice was flat. He only half did that on purpose. He could see Eugene slightly flinch from the unexpected sound of Zach’s voice.

“Oh- Hey! Morning,” Eugene turned in his chair, now facing Zach. There were deep circles under his eyes.

“So how long have you been here?” Zach sat in his chair, trying not to sound overly irritated.

“Not long,” the reply was vague. Eugene picked at the cuticle on his thumb and Zach knew he was lying. Why is he always lying?

“Oh,” was all he could think of saying. And it was quiet after that. They both turned (Eugene first) and started working. But Zach couldn’t get much done, he was thinking about Eugene. He wanted to know how long he had been here. He wanted to know why he had cigarettes in his car. He wanted to know why Eugene was acting the way he was recently. He wanted to know what happened.

Several minutes passed and now Ned was here, just as shocked to see Eugene as Zach was. Their conversation was just as short as the one Zach and Eugene had. Ned kept looking to Zach for answers but finding nothing there. It was quiet again for a while, until Zach’s phone went off.

NED: _Do we know how long he’s really been here??_

Z: _Nope… He lied about it_

N: _Shit… He looks kinda bad_

Z: _Yeah, I don’t know if he slept last night…_

N: _Probably not much. Have you been to the kitchen yet? The coffee is almost gone…_ Zach shot a glance toward the large, empty coffee cups on Eugene’s desk and mentally sighed before Keith walked through the door.

“Hey Eugene, you’re in early?” Keith sounded surprised and a little nervous. Zach gave him a look that would signify him to maybe stop talking. They all knew how much Eugene valued privacy, so the three should probably talk before just asking certain questions at random.

“Yeah… I thought I could probably get some work done since I missed yesterday,” it was reassuring to know Eugene was still thinking about work at least a little. Zach wasn’t unfamiliar with drugs; one of his good friends from high school being seriously addicted to Benadryl. And he knew how hard of a hit your work ethic can take. The fact Eugene was showing he was at least slightly mindful of his work was relieving.

“Oh, good!” Keith sat at his desk, still facing the others, “We’re pretty much out of coffee… I could probably go to the store for some in a bit.”

Ned set out his credit card for Keith, “Here’s that… So, the video is pretty much done, I think. We can probably upload later this afternoon if you guys are good with that?” There was a general hum of agreement, but Eugene internally flinched. He knew he didn’t look the best in that video; as far as being spaced out pretty much the whole time of filming form coming down from his high. It was a gamble letting them upload the video, but an even bigger one trying to explain why he didn’t want it uploaded.

 

-

            Eugene left almost immediately after they uploaded the video, claiming he was extremely tired. In all fairness, he did look exhausted even though it was only four in the afternoon. Zach was almost glad he was gone, like he didn’t have to be as self-conscious as he was when Eugene was there. There was significantly less tension in the room now, and it was almost as if he could breathe freely again. Of course, his brain still brought him back to Eugene.

He was almost more worried when Eugene was gone, just in case something happened to him. He knew it was just his anxiety but he really didn’t want Eugene to end up hurt or dead or something of the sort. Being slightly paranoid, his thoughts carried him, yet again, through all the possible things that could be going on with Eugene. Drugs was the number one even though he didn’t want it to be. Maybe there was something medical that he wasn’t telling the other guys about; which was a concept Zach definitely wasn’t unfamiliar with. But he was pulled out of his thoughts by Keith, causing him to snap back to reality.

“You good, Zach?” Keith was nearly nudging him, and Ned sat behind the two, facing in their direction.

“What- yeah, I’m good… just thinking,” Zach turned in his chair, the three now facing each other.

“He looked worse today…” Ned didn’t have to say a name for the other two to know who he was talking about. “I mean, all of our coffee was gone- I just went to the store!”

“I know, I know!” Zach sighed in defense, “I just don’t know if we should talk to him yet… He probably won’t even tell us anything.”

“That’s bullshit! I mean we obviously know something is going on,” Keith protested.

“What do we even say, though?” Zach was getting borderline sassy, “It’s not like we can go up to him and say ‘ _Oh, hey Eugene, are you doing drugs?_ ’!”

“Well, we can’t just say nothing! Especially if he is doing drugs!” Ned silenced the room. Something about the conversation was sitting deep in their guts now. Their best friend could be on drugs. He could be going through shit the three of them no nothing about. How do you help someone when you’ve never experienced what they have?

            “Let’s just- If we see anything weird or not good, we tell each other and after that we can talk about talking to him,” Zach proposed, and Keith nodded in agreement.

            “Are either of you seeing him this weekend?” Ned asked, only receiving a negative response from the both of them. He sighed.

            “I could text him tomorrow or something… It’s probably good that at least one of us sees him over the weekend, just in case,” Zach spoke up. He hated that he offered himself up like that, but it was already done. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to be around Eugene, but a big part of him didn’t want to be the one to expose the other guy or, god forbid, maybe find him hurt or dead. But he repressed his feelings. This wasn’t about him, it was about Eugene. If that meant putting himself second, that’s what he’ll do.

 


	6. missed texts and missed breakfast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> been a hot second... oops. I'm trying to write as much as I can but school/work is also a thing I have to do lmao. I have a feeling this fic is just gonna be me projecting everything I do onto Eugene because why talk about your problems when you can write them as someone else's :)))

The whole evening was a whirl of anxiety for Zach. He went home last out of all the guys, trying his best to keep focused on his work, even though he was definitely not getting anything done. When he got home, he actually considered getting a drink; which is unusual considering he normally doesn’t drink very much, or alone at all.

            He could only think about Eugene. A mix of fear and anticipation filled his gut. Part of him wanted to text Eugene now to make sure he was okay, but another part just wanted to ignore him all weekend. Maybe he could ask one of the other guys to hang out with him or something. Why was he so afraid to see Eugene all of a sudden? They were friends, there was nothing to be afraid of, right?

            The night passed slowly, Zach rotating from the couch to his kitchen to pacing. He couldn’t stay still, even bouncing his leg when he sat. No matter what he did, nothing could keep his mind occupied long enough. He wanted to call Ned or Keith to see if maybe they were busy but he also didn’t want to impose on either of their lives; being that they are both married and Ned literally just had a kid. Just thinking about Ned made Zach upset, too. He just had a baby, he shouldn’t have to be worried about Eugene. It’s almost unfair for him to be putting this on all the other guys the way he is; trying to be secretive when they all know something is up, then deflecting when anyone asks.

            It was nine at night when Zach realized he had forgotten to eat, but his stomach was too weak right now. He couldn’t’ve forced himself to eat even if he wanted to. All he could do was think and pace and think some more then worry. He wondered if this is how Eugene felt, keeping everything to himself all the time. It was really emotionally draining and, for a fraction of a second, he almost understood the appeal to things like drugs and alcohol. If this was what it constantly felt like to live, he would be worn down so quick.

            Eventually, Zach fell asleep to the sound of his mind overthinking. He was still on the couch, with his work clothes on. The lamp in the corner still producing light and the TV still flashing. The only thing he knew for sure by the time he passed out was that he would text Eugene first thing tomorrow and if he didn’t get a response, he was going to his house.

 

-

 

            When Eugene woke up the next morning, his head was still spinning. Not that it’s anything out of the ordinary though. Looking around, he was on his bedroom floor, which was not a good sign. Normally he can at least make it to a piece of furniture. _Does that mean I’m getting worse?_ But that thought was gone just as quick as it came. He reached up to his nightstand, grabbing the pack of cigarettes he bought yesterday. Nothing like covering morning breath with the taste of tobacco. He remained on the floor for the length of the smoke but once it was finished he decided to look for his phone. He couldn’t remember what time he went to bed but it couldn’t have been anytime decent. Which means who knows how late in the day it is already. Good thing he doesn’t have any plans.

            He pulled himself up as best he could, trying not to fall over as he stuck another cig in his mouth. God, he disgusted himself. His phone was nowhere to be seen in his room so he traced back to the living room and found it set on the coffee table. The cold glow of the light hurt his head, 11:23. That’s not too bad, he considers. The only thing unusual is the fact that he has five unread texts. From, of course, none other than Zach fucking Kornfeld.

            Z: _Hey, do you wanna go get some breakfast?_ (10:14)

            Z: _There’s this new place that’s not far from your place, maybe we could check it out?_ (10:25)

            Z: _Just text me when you wake up okay?_ (10:39)

            Z: _Eugene?_ (10:50)

            Z: _Okay if you don’t text me in the next ten minutes I’m coming over to make sure you’re not dead._ (10:56)

            Shit. Eugene didn’t want Zach over here. Especially not when he’s half naked, smoking a cigarette in his pitch-black living room.

            E: _No, it’s okay, don’t come over. I’m awake, I just overslept._

Z: _Too late, I’m five minutes away._

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Eugene almost dropped his smoke out of his mouth, putting it out frantically on the ash tray on the coffee table. Fuck, he needed to hide that, too. He was fully awake now, trying to turn on lights and pull the curtains back so he could see what he was working with here. Okay… Not too messy since he randomly decided to clean the other night so that was good. Shirt. He needed a shirt. One that didn’t smell like smoke or alcohol.

            Shirt? Check. He needed to brush his teeth to get rid of that smell too. As he was doing that, he hid the ash tray in his desk drawer. He put any stray Xanax bottles in his closet, as well as the actual pack of cigarettes and lighters. He really hoped he didn’t reek. But at this point, it was a not a good bet considering he was smoking in the house. He searched his kitchen and bathrooms for Febreze but there was no luck there. He really fucking hoped Zach didn’t notice too much.  

            He barely had a minute to spare when he heard a knock at the door. At this point, his nerves were shot and he was completely sober. Breathe. Just breathe, he thought as he opened the door, revealing Zach. He could already feel the awkward tension between the two.

            “Hey…” Eugene spoke first, willing his voice to sound less out of breath than he really was. “What’s up?”

            “Why did it take so long for you to text back?” obviously Zach wasn’t wasting any time. Eugene swore at himself for not taking his phone to his room with him. He could have prevented this.

            “I was sleeping,” his voice was flat and emotionless. Act natural, he repeated to himself multiple times.

            “Until eleven in the morning?” something about Zach’s tone said he could see right through whatever Eugene was trying to pull. Even though he really wasn’t lying about sleeping, but until a few weeks ago, Eugene would’ve never slept past eight.

            “I was up late,” short answers were good. Keep it simple. Don’t give too much away.

            “But you left work early to sleep?” shit. A thousand times, shit.

            “I- uh- I couldn’t sleep…” lies. He did leave work to ‘sleep’ but when he got home, he wouldn’t let himself. Instead, he kept a close eye on the insights of the new video, making sure no one was pointing him out.

            Zach’s eyes narrowed at Eugene. He could smell the bullshit that was coming out of Eugene’s mouth. “Alright, well… do you want to go inside or…?” He motioned behind the door and Eugene realized he had kept them standing here for way too long.

            “Oh! Yeah-uh, sure…” He pulled the door fully, letting Zach walk in before shutting it behind him. He prayed to every higher power that it didn’t stink too much of smoke. Zach plopped himself on the couch and Eugene on the chair next to it.

            “So, do you want to get some food? I was thinking about breakfast… but it’s a little late now…” He darted his eyes around the apartment, almost as if he was looking for something. Which made Eugene even more nervous, also peering to make sure he didn’t leave anything sitting around.

            “I’m actually not too hungry right now…” Eugene mentally forced himself not to fidget with his thumb, he knew that would give him away more than anything else.

            “Did you already eat?” there was that tone again. It was almost condescending in a ‘I know what you did’ kind of way.

            “No, I had a pretty big dinner last night…” lies. He didn’t eat last night. The last thing he remembers eating were those fries, and just thinking about those makes him almost sick with hunger. But he won’t let himself eat. He doesn’t deserve to. Eugene caught himself picking at his thumb. Fuck.

            “Oh… Maybe we can eat a little later then,” Zach’s tone was a bit softer here. “Do you have anything going on today?”

            “Not really, no. Why?” Eugene wanted to just say ‘no’ and let the conversation die. He wanted to tell Zach to leave so he could be alone. He wanted to go back to sleep. But he didn’t. For whatever godforsaken reason, he made a small effort to keep the ball rolling.

            “Well I’m not doing anything today so I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to maybe do something?” Why did Zach sound a little more nervous now? It was weird and almost unnatural to hear him change his tone so quickly like that.

            “I mean, yeah. I guess if you want to…” He tried not to sound annoyed or pissed that he suddenly had plans for the day. “What did you have in mind?”

            “I-I don’t know… we could just hang out I guess… I didn’t really have anything planned,” Is this what it’s like to have plans fall through in real life?  Out of all the time he knew Zach, he had never had a more awkward encounter with him.

            “Yeah, uh-okay…” Eugene could literally feel every awkward cell in his body scream. This was the worst conversation he has ever had, and it was probably all his fault. They sat there, scanning different parts of the room, trying their best to avoid eye contact.

It was a long two minutes of complete silence before Zach’s phone went off, distracting him completely. A part of Eugene was relieved that Zach wasn’t looking around anymore but then the paranoid side of him took over, making him increasingly curious as to who Zach was texting. What were they talking about? Was it about him? His rational brain was trying to take over, telling him that it was completely unreasonable for him to think Zach would randomly get a text about _him_. His heart was still pounding in his chest, regardless of how hard he tried to convince himself the text obviously wasn’t about him or that Zach wasn’t going to see anything in his apartment. He rubbed some of the sweat on his hands off on his pants and, for a fraction of a second, he felt Zach’s eyes on him.

“That was Ned,” Zach looked at Eugene and held his phone up a bit. “He and Ariel are gonna go out for a bit while Keith is babysitting Wes. He wanted to know if we wanted to go?” Does that mean the text was about him, in a way?

“Do you want to?” Eugene offered.

“Yeah, it sounds fun, don’t you think?” Zach was trying to be optimistic but nothing about going out with Ned, Ariel and Zach sounded fun to Eugene right now. He would be lying, which he always is, if he said it did sound fun.

“Sure… Will we just meet them at their house or are we taking two cars?” Eugene tried to relay the optimism he heard in Zach’s voice, but he was afraid it just sounded sarcastic.

“We’ll probably go to theirs first then ride together… Do you want to take your car?”

No, why would Eugene want to take his car? “It’s whatever you want…”

“Then we should probably take yours since we’d end up coming back here anyway, you know?”

God, why did Eugene always put himself in these situations? “Yeah, that makes sense…”

 

The ride to Ned’s was excruciatingly long and quiet. The only noise coming from the a/c and the other cars outside. Eugene was really hypersensitive to it all as well; any move Zach made was loud and noticeable, to him at least. He felt the same about himself, too. Every time he had to use his blinker, turn, anything, he felt like he was being watched. He was too sober to be out in public…

After twenty minutes of prolonged silence and awkward glances, they finally made it to Ned’s. Walking in, Eugene didn’t know what he expected, but he sure as hell wasn’t expecting everyone to be there, seemingly waiting for the two of them to arrive. He could feel the anxiety creeping in his stomach. Why would seeing them make him nervous, these were his best friends? But nearly everything gave him anxiety nowadays.

“Hey guys!” Ned spoke a bit too enthusiastically for Eugene’s liking, especially this early in the morning.

“Hey! Eugene, I haven’t seen you in so long!” Ariel hadn’t seen Eugene in at least two weeks. Another side effect of his recent increase of bad habits. “How are you?!”

The number one question Eugene didn’t want to answer, but he put on his smiley face and did it anyway, “I’ve been really good! What about you?” His voice sounded so manufactured, it made him cringe. He was almost sure everyone else could hear it, too.

“Oh, I’ve been good… A bit tired since Wes but it’s worth it,” She motioned over to Keith, who was holding Wes. Just looking at all of them standing around made him feel like he was intruding on a family he wasn’t a part of. Eugene just nodded in acknowledgement, unable to think of a good enough response. Ariel continued, “Are you guys ready to go?”

“Yeah, whenever you are,” Zach answered, Eugene relieved he didn’t have to.

“We were thinking about going downtown to The Wall and maybe pick up some fresh fruit since Ariel’s been trying to eat more organic food. That sound alright to you guys?” Ned asked. Maybe it was just Eugene’s imagination, but Ned’s voice seemed scripted and wary.

“Yeah, that sounds good… Eugene and I haven’t had breakfast yet so the sooner we eat the better…” Why did Zach have to mention that?

“Wow… Skipping breakfast, guys… That’s not good for you,” _Neither is going days without eating but I still do that_ , Eugene thought to himself. He knew Ned was saying it as a joke but his inner dad was fully awake when he was saying it. They were starting towards the car and Eugene almost couldn’t bare another thirty to forty minutes in the car with them. 


	7. flowers and silent panicking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for such short chapters, i know it's annoying but I'm not a very good writer lmao 
> 
> I guess I could just combine certain chapters because I tend to split stuff up a lot when it doesn't need to be split up ??? But that just means it would take longer to update sooo :// idk... if you guys have a preference on chapter length or frequency of the updates just comment or hmu

As expected, the car ride was long and miserable. At least for Eugene. He didn’t talk unless someone directly asked him something, which didn’t seem to happen much. He barely listened to the other three talk, only picking up on a few phrases every here and there to make sure they weren’t saying anything too important.

By the time they arrived to the farmers market downtown, Eugene was already mentally drained. He didn’t want to see or talk to anyone and, by god, if anyone talked to him he might punch someone in the throat. Fuck, why was he so irritable when sober? He’d experienced withdrawal before but never to this extent. It was almost as if he could feel the absence of substance in his body and all that was left was just a shell. A very easily pissed off shell that could probably kill someone if they did something wrong. He needed something to calm him down. A cigarette, a pill, a drink, anything. There was an itch beneath his skin that he just couldn’t scratch. The fairly large amount of people also wasn’t helping his current situation.

The first thing the group decided to do was eat. They chose a place near the market called _Poppy + Rose_ , a hipster café with a fried chicken mural on the outside of the building, which Keith would’ve loved. It seemed alright to Eugene, except for the flow of people in and out of the building, which only made his uncontrollable anxiety worse. But he took a deep breath and followed the other three in, regardless of how he was feeling. Hopefully they sold drinks here.

Looking at the menu made his stomach ache. He couldn’t tell if it was an ache of hunger or if he legitimately couldn’t put food in his body right now. Luckily, he had already ordered himself a mimosa and was sipping it sparingly, not wanting to drink to fast in case anyone was watching. The drink helped ease his nerves, but not as much as his medicine could; but he was just going to take what he could get.

Zach decided on getting a chicken sandwich; Ned, a burger; and Ariel a salad. As for Eugene, though, he decided on the simplest menu item: a grilled cheese. It was a good choice because it would probably be a bit easier on his stomach and, comparatively, it was probably the best choice he had.

The other three kept the conversation flowing, talking about everything from new video ideas to Wesley. You would’ve thought they hadn’t seen each other in weeks even though they all spend nearly every single day right next to one other. God, it was so aggravating to Eugene. He was so tense right now. Finally, he was on his second mimosa but would like to be on his forth; though, he knew he had to keep some self-control.

Everything was so stimulating now though. He could feel himself slowing slipping away the more the others talked. He was starting to hear everything but their conversation; the sounds of other people’s silverware hitting plates, the chattering that carried throughout the room, other waiters taking orders, the sound of the bell every time the door opened, chairs scratching against the floor. It was all coming straight to his ears. He squeezed his hand on his knee, trying to keep himself with the group; trying not to let himself go.

The sounds were getting louder in his ears, completely drowning out the three closest to him. Now was no time for a panic attack. He had to calm himself down. _One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight…_ With every number he said in his head, he squeezed his knee a bit more. He could feel himself drifting more but he was determined not to do this here, with his two best friends and Ariel watching. He wouldn’t draw attention to himself. He wouldn’t cause a scene. He couldn’t. He refused.

 _Pants, chair, drink, floor, knee…_ Five things he could feel. _Chicken, rum, wine, sweet?, fries…_ Five things he can smell. _It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re here. Everything’s fine. You’ll be fine._ He was repeating to himself over and over again. He would not have an anxiety attack right now. He would not. Not until he was home and by himself, where no one could see him. Where no one would notice.

His brain snapped and he physically flinched when he felt a hand clasp his shoulder. “You alright, Eugene?” Zach spoke, visibly concerned.

Eugene was quick to nod his head, “Yeah, I’m good…” He began to stand a bit, “My stomach kinda hurts,” and he started off toward the restroom. He heard an ‘Oh’ probably from Zach as he left but he was still feeling wired. He needed a minute, and just a minute, to himself without any noise or people.

Lucky for him, it was a single stall restroom. He went in a locked the door after, pressing his back up against the door as if someone were trying to get in after him. A long, shaky breath escaped his lips and he felt his shoulders dip down. What the fuck happened to him? He hasn’t had a panic attack in public in months. In fact, he only ever has them after nightmares anymore. He wished he just had one Xanax with him. That’s all he need to calm himself down. He didn’t even want to be high, he just wanted to feel normal while trying to have lunch with his best friends, but he couldn’t even do that anymore.

It was situations like this that always reminded him why he could never stay clean. Even if he didn’t want to be high, he still needed all his bad habits to stay neutral; to stay normal. He was dependent. And, even when you don’t want to be high, everything about it just pulls you back in. Even if you don’t want it, you need it.

Eugene fucking hated himself. He was always ruining good days for other people. Why couldn’t he just be normal? He walked over to the mirror and looking at himself. It was a shitty sight, but he made himself look. The bags under his eyes deep, his lips slightly chapped and his hair not as _perfect_ as it normally is. He was a fucking mess and he knew it.

With shaky hands, he started the water and splashed a small amount on his face; desperately trying to wipe the nervousness off but with no luck. He was dreading going back to the table to face Ned, Zach, and Ariel. After a few deep breaths and slightly optimistic pep talk, he unlocked the door and inched back toward the table.

The three at the table turned to look at Eugene with concerned eyes as soon as he returned. Ned was the first to speak when he sat back down, “Are you okay?”

Eugene nodded his head in response, taking a sip of his mimosa. To which Ariel spoke next, saying if he wasn’t feeling well that they could leave so he could go home; but Eugene turned down the offer. He told himself he wouldn’t ruin their day, no matter how he was feeling.

 

-

 

The rest of the day went rather quick. That is except for Eugene, who was on the constant verge of an anxiety attack that he refused to have. After they finished eating, they walked around the market, picking up fresh food of all sorts and admiring all the art and flowers on display. Ned even bought Ariel some Asters that she put in her hair; and Zach bought Eugene some Bluebells that he carried around with him the whole day, even putting some in his shoe laces to contrast the dark black of his shoes. It made Eugene feel a bit better to have a little something to hold on to while they were walking around so many people. It kept him a bit more grounded.

Eugene stayed fairly quiet the whole day, never really making much effort to hold or start a conversation. Not that anyone was surprised though, after he had been weird in the restaurant no one really went out of their way to talk to him except for checking on him every once in a while; you know, because of his _stomach ache_. Which was obviously bullshit to everyone.

It was three in the afternoon when they finally made it back to Ned and Ariel’s, all of them, minus Eugene even though he was trying his best, greeting Keith and Wes enthusiastically. Zach, Ned and Ariel all surrounded the baby as if it was the first time seeing him. God, Eugene was tired of this whole baby thing; he excused himself to the bathroom once again.

He didn’t need to use the bathroom, but was that really a surprise. As he sat himself on the countertop he could still hear everyone talking in the other room. The bathroom wasn’t too close to the living room the rest of the group was in, but it wasn’t particularly far either. Meaning he could still make out a lot of words pretty clearly and he was positive when the starting talking in low voices, it was about him. Putting his ear up to the door he could hear select words like his name, “stomach ache”, “pretending”, “distant”, “quiet”, “faking”, “not high” … His stomach practically dropped. They couldn’t even wait till he wasn’t in the house to talk about him. His legs were beginning to shake a little and the panic attack that he’d been repressing all day was starting to resurface. _Not here,_ he thought. It was too risky to have a fucking panic attack in Ned’s bathroom but at the same time, they all had no problem talking about how he was acting when he was still here so what did it matter anyway.

Eugene’s hands squeezed the sides of the counter until his knuckles were white. _Calm down._ He was about to attempt to convince himself they weren’t talking about him but it was so blatantly obvious that they were. And that hurt, too. Why were they even talking about him anyway? Had he ruined their day that much? He wished he was home. Home and away from everyone. Home, where he could let himself go, where he could cry and hyperventilate and not have to hide himself. He was tired and starting to go numb, which probably meant a breakdown was getting closer. Oh, god, he had to get home.

            Without thinking, he detached himself from the counter, swinging the door open and walking straight out to the living room. As soon as he entered, everyone got silent, turning their heads toward him.

            “Hey Gene…” Zach’s voice was quiet and soft, like he was talking to a delicate child. Eugene hated it. He hated it and now his hands were shaking.

            “What were you guys talking about?” he asked knowingly, but he didn’t want to wait for a response before heading toward the door. He needed to get out of here before he either explodes or has a breakdown right in the middle of the room. It was just a split second before he opened his car door before he heard someone call him from the house.

            “Wait! Eugene!” Zach was going to be the death of him. He ran up to Eugene’s car and stood by the passenger door, “My-uh- my car is still at your place… so…”

            Eugene gave him the most deadpan stare he could muster and just waved his hand as he got into his car, Zach following suit.  


	8. awkward talks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trying my best over here guys :))))))))))
> 
> edit:   
> this chapter originally only had Eugene's pov but now it also has Zach's so if you already read this one you might want to read it again (sorry i'm unorganized af)

It was a battle for Eugene to not stop on the way home to get another pack of cigarettes and smoke them all in one sitting, even with Zach in the car. A large part of him didn’t care at all about what Zach thought anymore because obviously him and the other guys thought something of Eugene, and it couldn’t’ve been good or else they would’ve said it to his face. Eugene was pissed and anxious and irritated and about a handful of other adjectives to describe the just done feeling in his gut.

            This time around, he put the radio on, not caring what was playing but drowning out the sounds of his likely uneven breathing and awkward shifts of their bodies in each other’s respective seats. He drove faster, too, eager to get home and away from Zach. But every gas station or rest stop he passed put a little more weight in the pit of his stomach. The absence of nicotine in his lungs was beginning to get excruciating.

            When they arrived back at Eugene’s, he was at the door before Zach was even fully out of the car. He expected, or maybe wished, Zach would just get in his car and drive away but of course nothing can ever be that easy.

“Can I come in?” Zach was still standing by the cars.

Eugene could’ve easily said no. He could’ve told Zach to go away. But, nevertheless, no matter how bad he gets, he still can’t tell people no, especially Zach, “If you want to.”  

Zach walked toward the house, following Eugene in. After being out of his house all day, coming back he could feel the stuffiness of the air and the slight odor of smoke faint in the background, still there from this morning. So, no doubt Zach could definitely smell it, too.

“Do you wanna talk?” Zach spoke first, hesitating to sit on any furniture as if he was afraid he would break something. As if everything was as fragile as the man in front of him.

“About?” Eugene tried to keep his voice steady, but the combination of emotions was not doing him well, and that question did not help.

“I don’t know…” Zach sounded genuinely at a loss for what to say but Eugene felt like he already knew what Zach wanted to talk about. And it was definitely not something he wanted to talk about. “Why did you lie… earlier? About being sick?” He was still being hesitant and, trying to be, gentle.

“I didn’t,” Eugene lied again. Lies on top of lies on top of lies. But part of that wasn’t a lie, he honestly felt sick, just not in a way he could possibly explain to his friends.

“Okay, what about at work? When you go home early because you’re ‘tired’ or miss whole days because you’re ‘sick’? What’s going on Eugene?” There was a heavy amount of concern seeping through his lips. It made Eugene cringe. No one should be worried about him. He’s _fine_.

“There’s nothing ‘going on’!” Eugene did air quotes as he raised his voice a bit defensively.

“Then where were you on Thursday?” His voice has now flipped from deep concern to an accusing tone.

“I was here,” Eugene opened his arms, indicating he was just at his house, because where else would he be?

“Doing what?” Zach just wanted to hear him say it, didn’t he? Zach wanted to hear his best friend say he couldn’t come in to work because he was still high from the night before. He wanted to hear Eugene confirm what he thinks he’s been doing.

“I wasn’t feeling well…” Eugene turned away from Zach. His head fell a bit, conflicted by telling the whole truth or keeping these little half lies going.

“Why do you keep lying to me?”

“I’m not fucking lying, okay?! I didn’t feel good so I didn’t go to work! Is that not okay with you! Am I not allowed to not be okay!?” Eugene was yelling now. Everything he had been holding in all day, coming out right now. All the tension, nervousness, irritation, all of it just came out at Zach. And it hit them both like sharp knives to the back.

Eugene turned and went straight to the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind him. He just needed a few Xanax to keep him from completely exploding, even though it felt like he might’ve already. He dumped three in his hand, swallowing harshly then running cold faucet water down his throat. _Breathe. Breathe. It’s okay._ He clutched the sink in his palms, leaning his full body weight on the counter. He only managed to get a few deep breaths in before Zach was knocking on the door after him. He screwed on the bottle cap and replaced it in the medicine cabinet, now holding his breath.

“Eugene?” Zach was soft and confused; it made Eugene feel guilty for yelling.

“What do you want, Zach?” he almost gasped but he got ahold of himself before he could.

“Are you okay?” God, how many times are they going to ask him that today? No, he’s not okay, now leave. Eugene purposefully didn’t answer, out of spite of the previous conversation; there was no way Zach thought he was okay, so any answer other than no would be unacceptable anyway. “I didn’t mean to upset you… I just– we’re all worried about you, Gene…”

Eugene flinched at the sentence. They shouldn’t be worried. No one should be worried. He was a grown ass man who can take care of himself. He didn’t need anyone to worry about him. Period. “I’m fine, Zach.”

“Gene–,” But he was cut off by the sound of Eugene’s voice, stern on the other side of the door.

“I said I’m fine. Now– just leave,” there was a bit of hesitation in the air before he let out a small, “Please…”

He wasn’t even sure if Zach heard his plea but he wanted so desperately to be alone. He didn’t want to see anyone on the other side of the door when he opened it. He didn’t want anyone. Sure enough, he heard the faint sound of feet walking away, and the door was opened and closed. When he listened in the seconds that followed, he was sure he was alone.

He let himself fall to the bathroom floor, feeling the cold tiles on every inch of his skin, clothed or not. He just wanted to be captivated by the cold, he didn’t want to feel. A small huff escaped his lips and that was when he became aware of his highly uneven breath. But even when he tried to breathe, no air filled his lungs. There was just him gasping and tears beginning to form at his eyes. Why the fuck was he even crying? He was so weak, he couldn’t even control his emotions anymore. He kept trying to breathe but only finding more hot tears falling to his nose and mouth.

He pulled himself up more, nevertheless, still being short breathed. Just two more should knock him out, hopefully. Five is a good number, not too much, not too little. He grabbed the bottle again and shook out two more xans, popping them into his mouth with shaky hands. More cold water to wash them down.

He fumbled with the lock for a long second before he could figure out how to let himself out, which gave him more anxiety because what if he got stuck in his bathroom forever? No one would come for him, he would die because he was too stupid to open his own bathroom door. What a waste of space. He traced his way back to his room, guiding by the wall because his blurry vision wasn’t enough to carry him on his own.

All he wanted was his bed. Even though it was probably only four in the afternoon, he had plans of not waking up for the rest of the day.

-

Zach was distraught. Standing outside of Eugene’s house, he wondered what Eugene was doing on the other side. He had never yelled like that before, it was so surreal. They had all been through stuff together before, but not something like this. None of them knew what do to. Other than Eugene, the only person who had had experience with serious mental illness was Zach and even he was at a loss.

Pulling out his phone, he dialed Ned’s number, waiting for what seemed like only half a second for him to answer.  

“Hey,” Ned sounded breathless, almost like he was waiting for Zach’s call. “How is he?”

“I don’t know… things didn’t really go too well over here…” Zach didn’t know how he should phrase what just happened; _Oh, yeah, Eugene just freaked out on me, yelled, then locked himself in his bathroom and told me to get out. I think everything’s okay though but I saw a pack of cigarettes in his car the other day that I also didn’t tell you guys about…_ Nope.

“What happened?” Ned’s voice was prominent in the speaker but he could hear Keith and Ariel talking in the background, no doubt about the matter at hand.

“I’m not exactly sure… I mean obviously I know what happened, I’m just a bit… confused? I don’t know, dude… I’m just gonna come over,” Zach hung up the phone promptly after that. He needed to think about what happened before he started spewing information around the group.

He never turned on the radio when he got into his car, which is unusual because he normally hates quiet drives. Not this time though, he needed it to be quiet. He needed to be able to hear himself think.

What did he say that set Eugene off like that? The whole conversation happened so quick, he wasn’t even sure what exactly was said between the two. He knew he was trying to confront Eugene, but not fully confront him; he never mentioned any drugs or cigarettes. He kept it basic, which was what he thought he should do, right? But he just kept lying, or at least not telling Zach what was really going on and that pissed him off. They were just trying to help him, why wouldn’t he let them in?

Was he okay now that Zach had left? Zach really didn’t want to be the one who was the cause of Eugene’s problems but at this point, who knows. It could be him or either of the other guys. Maybe he didn’t want to be a part of the Try Guys anymore and he was trying to distance himself? _Would he leave us like that? After we started out own company?_ No. Zach wasn’t going to let his mind go there, but it was hard not to consider. Maybe Eugene was done with them. Maybe this was how he was trying to say goodbye to them? Zach hated all those thoughts for seeping into his brain. He hated that Eugene wasn’t talking to him, but at the same time, when has Eugene ever talked to any of them. About anything. Ever.

God, they were all tired of it; the secrets, the lying, the missing work. What the fuck was going on with him? Why couldn’t he just talk to them? They were his best friends for fuck sake, or at least they thought they were his. Maybe he doesn’t think the same for them.

Every passing thought Zach had made his heart race a little more. He just wanted Eugene to be okay and he knew that’s what the others wanted, too. Why did he have to keep so many secrets? Not just about this, but about everything. It has always been a challenge to get Eugene to open up but now it’s crucial that he actually does. He needs to, for his and his friends’ sake.

 Zach arrived at Ned’s quicker than he thought he would. Time really does fly when you’re overthinking about the well-being of your best friend. He opened the front door to reveal a worried Ned and Keith on the couch and a restless Ariel with Wes in her arms, pacing the living room.

“Okay so what happened?” Keith was off the couch, ready to hear some answers that Zach definitely did not have yet. He looked to Ned, but he seemed just as eager as Keith.

Zach sighed, sitting on the chair opposite the couch, “He yelled at me? Like actually… yelled?”

“What? Why?” Ned spoke anxiously. 

“Well… he was lying to me– same as he has been with us… I called him out, but I wasn’t trying to be mean– I think he thought I was doing it on purpose? But he just… freaked out? I guess?” For as much time as he had to think, he was just as confused as he was before. What a waste this was. He couldn’t even relay the information they needed to help their friend.

“What do you mean freaked out?” This came from a now sitting Keith.

“He yelled something about him ‘not being allowed to not be okay’ then locked himself in the bathroom…” Zach wasn’t looking any of them in the eye. The only person he wanted to see was Eugene. He wanted to see Eugene and make sure he was okay. But he couldn’t. He was here, just talking about him instead. “I tried to get him to come out of the bathroom–to explain to him that we’re all super worried about him… but he just said he was ‘fine’. And he told me to leave…”

“And you did?!” Keith was standing once again, arms flailing dismayingly. “Why would you leave?”

“I-I don’t know?!” Zach pushed up his shoulders in defense. “He asked me to leave so I left?!”

“That’s exactly why you shouldn’t’ve left, Zach!” Now, Ned was in on this crusade, attacking Zach for his evident wrong decision.

“What else was I supposed to do?!” Zach was now looking them both in the eye. “Break down the fucking door?! He obviously didn’t want me there, so I left!”

It was quiet for a second, the tension in the room rising exponentially with every silent passing moment. Ariel was the first to break the silence, having returned to the room without Wesley in her arms, “Zach was right to give him some space,” This received a few erratic looks from her husband and Keith and one appreciative one from Zach. “But someone still needs to be keeping a close eye on him… Just until we know what he’s really been doing.”

She was calm, which Zach was deeply grateful for. “Does this mean I’m going to have to talk to him again tomorrow?”

“Don’t say it like it’s a bad thing! You guys are his friends, alright. He needs help with, well, whatever it is he’s got going on so you shouldn’t argue about what Zach did or didn’t do, or who has to go talk to him next,” She took a seat next to Ned on the couch, “Now, if you want me to try and talk to him tomorrow, I’ll be more than happy to… But that doesn’t mean you get to use me as an out every time he tries to push you guys away.”

“Do you think if you went to talk to him it would be much better?” Zach almost squeaked from his side of the room.

“I don’t know… but I’m willing to try if that’s what it takes.”

“You’d really do that for us?” Ned gave his wife the saddest heart eyes Zach had ever seen.

“Of course. Just because Eugene is one of your friends doesn’t mean he’s not one of mine,” She put a hand on his knee and stood, looking at the three of them. “It’s almost five… Do you guys want dinner?”

In all honesty, Zach didn’t have much of an appetite after the past hour of conversations but he accepted Ariel’s offer, Keith and Ned following suit. For the most part, they stopped talking about Eugene after that. But it was obvious he was still on everybody’s mind. 


	9. coffee and walking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this ones longer but i still wish i wrote more for these chapters. sorry it took a minute i was having some trouble with this one (which i ironically find myself saying a lot). i'm half asleep rn so if there's spelling/grammar errors i'll most likely fix them later. i hope this doesn't suck too bad. and this a/n is way too long my bad so long

Ariel didn’t text Eugene before she decided to show up at his house at 11:30 the following day, so naturally, it took a quite a few knocks before he answered the door. He looked surprised when he saw her, undoubtedly having just been woken up; his hair falling in loose curls across his forehead and dark bags under his eyes. Suddenly, she fully realized why the guys were so worried. Rightfully so, too, he definitely wasn’t looking his best.

            “Hey Eugene,” Ariel spoke softly, trying her best to stay gentle with him.

            “Hey…” He replied lowly, not making eye contact or moving to let her in.

            “Do you want to go grab some coffee?” She motioned to her car behind them.

            “Uh-” He looks back into his house, “I mean, I guess… Let me change first…” but instead of letting her inside, he shut the door. A passing thought told her it was weird that he didn’t let her in but she ignored it. He didn’t need to let her inside if they were going to leave, right?

            It was just a short three minutes before Eugene reappeared in the doorway, his hair in a slight neater array and his clothes, while suitable, not his usual ambitious fashion.

            “Ready to go?” Ariel asked as he locked the front door behind him, an unusually strong scent of cologne radiating off his person. She knew he liked to be clean and not smell, like anyone would, but this was borderline overpowering. She wouldn’t doubt he probably had a headache from the constant smell.

            “Yeah… Where are we going?” his voice was almost monotone, not showing any emotion, negative or positive.

            “Well, I was thinking about getting some coffee from the Starbucks down on the corner, if that’s okay with you?”

            “Sure…” Again, an emotionless, and nearing robotic, response. Regardless, she led them both to her car, entering without a word between the two. Pulling out of the driveway, she wondered if she should try to initiate a conversation or just turn on the radio. He didn’t seem up for talking but that was the reason she was here with him. What would the other guys think if she returned with no new information to contribute to the cause? In a way, she almost felt guilty acting as a spy to Eugene; like she was betraying his trust by being here to report back to her husband. But if this was how she needed to help, this was what she would do.

            “Have you had breakfast yet?” She kept her gentle voice from before, not wanting to come off as intimidating.

            “No,” he said simply. God, getting anything out of him was probably going to be like pulling teeth, she thought.

            “Are you hungry? We can get food somewhere after we get some coffee…” she offered.

            “No, it’s okay,” He kept his head forward, not looking at her and still not speaking more than just basic replies.

            “Oh… Alright…” she looked over at him from her place in the driver seat of the car. He looked numb and absent, like he wasn’t really all there. That made her nervous, but maybe he was just tired? At least she hoped he was just tired, not wanting to think about the other options.

            They rode in silence the remainder of the way to the Starbucks, which was luckily just a short seven-minute drive from his house. She asked if he wanted to go in or just go through the drive through and take it back to his house. He said he didn’t care but Ariel assumed since he didn’t let her in earlier, he probably wouldn’t want her in his house now. So, she parked her car and they both went in silently.

            When they finally received their drinks, Ariel getting a green tea and Eugene just a black coffee, they settled in a more secluded area of the café, where it was bit quieter and less populated. They sat drinking for a bit, avoiding eye contact and Ariel trying to maintain light stereotypical conversation. When she failed to keep either of them talking, Eugene spoke up, taking Ariel off guard.

            “Did you bring me here just to talk about yesterday?” His eyes stayed on his coffee, voice low.

            “I– Maybe… but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to just grab a drink and catch up a bit,” She admitted, trying to cover up the fact that she was so blatantly sent here by Ned, Zach and Keith. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

            “Ariel, I’m fine… honestly,” He looked her in the eyes now, but his face said something completely opposite of his words. The look he gave her hurt her. It was a look of blatant dishonesty and inward fear of being discovered. Maybe it’s just because she’s known him for so long or because she’s a very intuitive person, but she could see right through his façade.

            “You know you can talk to me, Eugene… Or Ned, or Zach, or Keith… We’re all here for you…” She furrowed her brows and tried her best to connect her eyes with his in a hopeless attempt to convince him to open up.

            “There’s nothing to talk about,” he replied flatly, maintaining eye contact.

            “Gene…” out of sheer concern, she reached her hand to put it on his but he pulled his hand back.

            “No, I’m fine! Stop making me feel like I’m incapable of handling myself! I don’t need help and I _definitely_ don’t need your pity!” He got out of his seat and, thank god, they were in a more private area because she was afraid he would’ve turned some heads had they been in a more public line of eye.

            “Eugene, please sit down… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that–,” She tried to reason with his outburst but it was no use, Eugene was already off with a shaking head, trying to get as far away from Ariel as he could. She got up, following close after him as he traced his way through the café all the way to the sidewalk outside.

            “Eugene– Wait!” She jogged a little to fully reach him, grabbing his wrist before he could completely get away. “Where are you going?!”

            He snatched his arm away from her grip, “Home.”

            “Come on– At least let me drive you…” she pleaded, not willing to let him go so easily but not wanting to force him to stay.

            “I’m good, thanks…” He replied with a sarcastic tone, hurrying off down the pavement and out of Ariel’s reach before any other words could be said. He left her there, stunned and without words. This was obviously more serious than she thought it was. She had no idea how truly different Eugene was now but everything the boys were saying was starting to make sense in her head.

 

 

-

            Eugene’s legs carried him farther than he thought they would. The wind was loud and continuous in his ears and the sidewalk gooey beneath his feet. Why couldn’t they just leave him alone? Every fiber of his body ached with anxiety and his heart felt like it may explode in his chest. People on the streets may have been giving him odd looks but he couldn’t find a piece of his mind that could focus enough to care.

            The only thing he knew at this moment was the fact he was walking. Where he was walking, he didn’t know, nor care, but he couldn’t sit down or stop. If he did, he would start to think and he wasn’t close enough to his pills to think.

            He knew he needed to talk to his friends. He knew he couldn’t keep all this in. He knew he needed help. But he didn’t want to accept it. He didn’t want to face it. Not yet. He wasn’t ready to let go of all his bad habits. Because no matter how much he knew it was killing him, he loved every part of it. He needed his pills and his cigarettes and his booze; at this point, he was bare without them. He never wanted to get this bad but he did and now he can never go back. Not yet and maybe not ever.

            For now, his plan was to keep walking. He would like to think he was walking aimlessly but he was sure he could feel his subconscious working is the background. He wanted to be home but at the same time, he knew if he went home he would be with either his thoughts or his bad habits; and as much as he craved the latter, he wouldn’t let himself succumb that quickly. He deserved to suffer for a bit after making his friends go through all the trouble of trying to get him to talk. He deserves every negative thought, every ounce of anxiety, every fleeting urge to jump out into the oncoming traffic.

            He was _not_ suicidal. As much as he loved all of his escapes, he refused to refer to himself as _that_. He couldn’t be. Not with the friends he has, or the job, or the life. Just because he mixes pills with his drinks and gets blackout drunk every night doesn’t mean he wants to die, right?

            A feeling of hatred resonated in his core. Why did his brain always take him back to what he hated thinking about most? If he had his way, he would erase his memory so he didn’t have to think about all his fucking problems. But in a way, that’s what his pills were doing for him. After all, memory loss is a major side effect of substance abuse.

            Before he could register it, the local hospital building was right in front of him, large and looming. He looked at his phone and read it was already 1:45. The location of this mediocre hospital was six miles from the Starbucks, which meant he was about ten miles from home. Ten more miles of walking that seemed to make the day last longer than it needed to. He could’ve just went home with Ariel. He could’ve accepted her offer. He could’ve not been a complete dickhead to her after taking him for coffee.

            Why he brought himself to the hospital, he didn’t know. That scared him in a way that was nearly comforting. The way he had full control while having no control at all. It made feel vulnerable in a way he couldn’t get from being high. It was an all-natural high that he would, unfortunately, remember later when his feet ached. Later, when he remembered the look of the dull hospital sign in front of his face; daunting him as if it knows he had no control over himself coming here. Like it pulled him here on purpose. Almost as if it was in control, and not him.

            He hated hospitals. He hated the smell and the look and the way the doctors are so gently harsh. In the past, going there for Try Guys shoots always made him uneasy, but he would never tell the other guys that. That would pose too many questions that he just couldn’t answer. Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t. Hospitals had always made him uncomfortable, even as a child when he had to go in to see doctors. But, like nearly everything in his life, this worsened over time. Now, he refused to go see doctors when sick, even if the offices weren’t located in hospitals. Part of that was probably due to his incessant drug use, but he would never admit to that.   

            He stared at the building for a bit, pretending no one else was there, so obviously looking at him. He stood and he thought about nothing and everything. He thought about his friends, that he carelessly betrays day after day; about the doctors inside, just yards away from him, trying their so called best to help the helpless. He stood there, not caring about anyone, not even himself, because at this point he was numb and cold. A shell incapable of regular human feelings. He couldn’t even find enough feeling in his limbs to lift them and carry him away from the sight.

            He stood for however long, until a nurse on a, highly ironic, smoke break shook him awake from his callous state. She asked him if he was alright, if maybe he was waiting for someone. He considered not replying but instead gave a small ‘no’ and turned away, forcing his feet one after another to drag him back to his house. Maybe he could call an Uber? But that would be too easy, wouldn’t it? Classic Eugene, always looking for an easy way out. He cursed himself for even considering an Uber and pushed himself alive enough to keep his legs working.

            He would walk home, the whole ten miles, and he did. He did and when he finally returned home it was nearing five in the afternoon. A part of him was relieved he used this day to be awake, a rather rare occurrence, but he still craved his comatose sleep that awaited him on the other side of the door.


	10. new plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if theres any grammar errors just comment and I'll fix. sorry it took so long i've been hella busy also super not motivated to write anything ever. ight I'm gonna go get faded as fuck see y'all later.

On the ride home, Ariel thought about what Eugene had said, about being fine and not needing their pity. She didn’t pity him, not even in the slightest and she knew none of the other boys did either. Why did he think they pitied him? All they want to do is help.

            Ned was very obviously waiting for her when she entered the house, holding Wes close, pacing back and forth. “How did it go?”

            “It was alright…” she avoided his direct eye contact, instead diverting her eyes to Wes, “He might’ve yelled again but it’s okay… I think he thinks we pity him?”

            “Wait what?”

            “He said something about not needing our pity? He said he’s capable of handling himself…”

            “Is that all he said?” In a way, Ned forced Ariel’s eyes to meet his. Wes was still separating the two.

Ariel nodded in response, both of them sharing a sigh. She wasn’t sure what to do and it was obvious Ned wasn’t sure either. “We should probably give him some space… Just for a bit.” Ariel spoke and Ned agreed with her statement. “Give him time to think… We can talk to Zach and Keith later, I’m sure they’re wondering how it went.”

            A huff escaped Ned’s lips, there was a long pause before he spoke, “Zach thinks… Well, he thinks Eugene is- uh- doing drugs…” He turned and put Wes in his chair on the floor. Hesitant to look back to Ariel.

            In a way, she already knew this, but she wasn’t sure until Ned said it. “What kind?”

            “I–I don’t know… Probably the bad kind?” He looked up from his spot a few feet away from her, “I’m really worried about him.”

            She walked closer to him, pulling him into a hug, “I know… It’s okay… We’re gonna help him, I promise.”

            “We should probably call Zach or something… He’s been texting me all morning,” Ned pulled away, keeping his hands on her hips.

            “Go talk to him… I don’t know how much better he’ll feel after the way the talk went but…”

            Ned nodded, walking off toward the kitchen to grab his phone. Dialing Zach’s number, a bit of an odd feeling resided in his gut. What were they going to do about Eugene? Zach answered quickly and Ned explained the outcome of the situation. Zach said he understood, a tone of disappointment coming through the speaker. He was hopeful, as they all were, that maybe Eugene would open up more to Ariel but they were all sadly mistaken.

            Ned told him to give Eugene some space the next few days, and asked if he would relay the message to Keith. Zach complied, a bit resistant to leave Eugene alone for more than a few hours at a time. But he still agreed nonetheless, compromising on checking in on him if he didn’t come into work. Which was more than okay with Ned. They said their goodbyes and Ned took one last deep breath before rejoining Ariel and Wes in the living room, trying his best to enjoy the rest of his day.

 

-

            As much as he wanted to go for his pills first, Eugene reached for the vodka bottles that were still stuffed in his closet, along with his pack of cigarettes. He lit one, inhaling as much as he possibly could, letting the smoke completely flood his lungs before slowly letting it out, little by little. He could feel every ounce of smoke traveling through his nose when he exhaled and he wanted every bit of it. He wanted to feel more and more. He screwed off the top of the Smirnoff bottle and gulped it down like it was water.

            When he finally stopped himself, he was lightheaded. The mix of the nicotine and alcohol on an empty stomach after not drinking or smoking for more twenty-four hours hit him harder than he would’ve liked. Nevertheless, he inhaled again, thinking about staying awake tonight, just for the sake of it. Maybe he could go pick up some pot and save some of his pills for later. He held onto the bottle and the pack and walked to his kitchen, cigarette hanging loosely out of his mouth.

            Displaying the objects on the kitchen counter, he grabbed one of his Aquafina water bottles from his pantry and dumped the contents into the sink. Unfortunately, he didn’t have a funnel, so he was going to have to be extra steady; which would be difficult under regular circumstances and especially challenging under this lightheaded buzz. 

            He tipped both the bottles, as if to create an even flow between the two but failing miserably. Eventually, he was able to fill the water bottle with the vodka but it wasn’t without difficulty and a substantial amount lost to the drain. Fuck it. He took a swig from the Smirnoff bottle and saved the contents of the water bottle for when he went out.

            Putting out the finished cigarette with the water from the faucet, he lit another a walked his way to his bathroom. He grabbed a Xanax from his medicine cabinet, carrying it back to the kitchen, unscrewing the water bottle and crushed the pill before dropping it into the clear liquid. Finally, he was ready to go.

            He gathered the water bottle, pack, wallet and keys and left his house without a second thought. Leaving his phone on his desk, he was untraceable, or so he hoped. He was tired of people. Tired of listening to people, seeing people. He wanted to disconnect from everyone. And if anything happened to him while he was out, he was sure someone would recognize him and tell the other guys.

            It took him a second while in his car to actually leave his house. Something about the feeling of his body in the driver’s seat felt wrong. He knew he shouldn’t be driving. He knew this wasn’t a good idea. He knocked back another drink and put his car in gear, backing out of the driveway and onto the road, heading towards his dispensary downtown. The one he bought from was cheap but still good, which he highly appreciated.

            Driving was woozy, but he liked it. Occasionally taking sips from his bottle while still trying to keep himself steady on the road. It was fun. A different kind of rush you can’t get from just being on your couch. It took patience though, due to the constant flow of traffic in this fucking city at all hours. No one can ever get anywhere fast.

            It was forty-five minutes before he reached the shop, he was about halfway done with his bottle and completely out of cigarettes, which was probably for the best. At this point though, he didn’t want any more tobacco. All he wanted was this drunken high. He entered, trying his best not to stumble from the sudden movement, the spiked drink hitting him hard as he stood. It didn’t take him long to pick out the strain he wanted. After all, he had a particular liking for wedding cake and the man working already knew that. This definitely wasn’t the first time he had been in here buying it, and it might not have been the first time he’d bought while tanked.

            He bought five grams for about forty bucks, thanked the man working, and headed on his way, excited to be home again. The ride home was a bit lighter. He drank way less and put the radio on. Something about going home to smoke something other than cigarettes was appealing. He definitely needed this pick-me-up.

            Grabbing his pipe from his nightstand was odd because it had been so long since he had smoked. When people ask him if he likes getting high or drunk better, he normally replies with drunk because he assumes they mean a pot high, which is true. He prefers drinking most of the time, but a little bit of variety is nice. But if it was between smoking, drinking or his pills, his pills would always win. Even if all they do is make him black out for extended periods of time, that’s what he liked.

            As soon as he finished his second bowl his mouth was beginning to feel dry. God, he was such a lightweight. The first thing he reached for to drink was his vodka filled water bottle, but he stopped himself before actually drinking it. As much as he wanted to get completely and utterly wasted, a part of him just wanted to enjoy this high. This high that he most definitely did not get from his little blue pills; It was a trip kind of high, as opposed to the usual dejected high. When he went to go drink some water, he felt a permanent smile plastered to his face. Water. Maybe he should take a shower? Nothing better than a high shower.

            The water tasted so good on his tongue; he couldn’t get enough. Water was delicious and life was good. He practically chugged two whole glasses before remembering he wanted to shower. Which was a great idea because high showers are just the best, aren’t they? There was a bounce in his step as he walked toward the bathroom; enthusiastically relieving himself of his clothes, not giving any mind to the full medicine cabinet inches from him. No, he didn’t need anything other than a shower right now.

            The water was warm, creating an overflow of steam in the atmosphere, which Eugene greatly appreciated. Water was so powerful, he wondered if there was really any greater natural force. The smell of his soap was extraordinarily celestial. He forgot how great everything is when he’s high. Maybe he could make himself a sandwich. Damn, he was fucking hungry. He was actually surprised he hadn’t passed out yet… normally that would happen if didn’t force himself asleep. Wow. How the fuck is he not dead yet?

            He got out of the shower, so overcome with hunger that he couldn’t think about anything other than food. Chicken wings sounded exceptionally great. Maybe some mac and cheese. Oh my god, he could fucking Uber Eats some Cane’s chicken. Jesus Christ. He’s going to order some Domino’s. Pizza with breadsticks. Maybe he could get some ice cream as well. He sometimes forgets how much he loves food; too focused on the way his body looks to care about tastes.

            When the large cheese pizza he ordered arrived, he practically demolished it. Being full was such an unfamiliar feeling to him at this point he didn’t know what to do with himself. For a brief moment, he considered throwing up but he wasn’t about to ruin his good mood by shoving his fingers down his throat. But he was starting to come down a bit so maybe it wasn’t the worst idea. _No. Just smoke some more, you’ll feel better_. This night was going so good he didn’t want it to ever stop. He didn’t want to ever go back to being sober. He didn’t want to ever think about anything ever again. He wanted to be able to eat without hating himself and be awake without wanting to be asleep. That’s what he has right now and he never wants it to end.

            He smoked two more bowls and passed out. He was honestly surprised he hadn’t fallen asleep earlier, because normally when he smokes he knocks out pretty quick.

            “Eugene did you eat that whole fucking pizza?” Zach was standing above him. But he felt like he was laying below the floor. Everything was above him, weighing him down to the point where he couldn’t breathe. The atmosphere was so suffocating.

            “What a fat ass…” Kelsey was here. He hadn’t seen her in so long; he missed her. In a way, he missed working at Buzzfeed. It gave him an excuse to get up every day because if he didn’t he would actually get fired. Now he didn’t have to do that. He knew the other guys wouldn’t fire him for being flaky. And he used that against them every fucking day.

            “We expected better of you,” Quinta was here, too. Only he couldn’t see her, only hear her voice somewhere in the near distance.  

            “Why aren’t you trying harder?” Ned was standing next to Zach, but he only just now appeared. What were they all doing here. He wanted to be alone. Why were they all talking like this to him? Can’t they see he’s hurting?

            “Why couldn’t you just stay a workaholic like you used to be?” Zach again. That stung. He used to overwork himself to the point that his hair would fall out in small sections when he showered. He hated that time. It fucked him up so bad. It was probably the reason he was such a junkie now. He wanted to say that, to explain himself, but every time he tried to talk his words became lumps in his throat. In fact, he couldn’t even move because everything was pressing down on him so much.

            “We should’ve dropped you when we started the company. You can be replaced so easily, no one even wants to see you on our fucking channel. Everyone is done with your shit, Eugene,” Keith walked in his frame of vision, standing next to a nodding Kelsey. He felt like he could cry right now. He knew he should’ve left the guys before they could leave him. It was a bad idea getting so involved in the first place. He should’ve backed out as soon as they brought up leaving Buzzfeed.

            But, almost as if everyone in the room was reading his thoughts, Quinta spoke up, “We would’ve gotten rid of you if you didn’t leave with the guys. We’ve been waiting for you to leave the company, we’re just glad they took you with them. All you do is bring negative energy. No one wants you around.”

            His limbs were numbing with every word they said. He should put in his notice at the company. Before they have the chance to get rid of them. It was better to cut himself off before he could get hurt. He couldn’t take this. It hurt so bad. All of it, his “friends” weren’t ever really that. They were just coworkers that he got too acquainted with and he knew it. He should have isolated himself from the start like he did in school. He was a fucking idiot to think anything had changed since his adolescence.

            Kelsey shook her head at him, “Fucking do it, coward! You know they don’t want you anymore, just fucking do it already! Leave!”

            “Okay… I–I will.”

            Eugene jolted upright on the couch, vomit shooting out of his mouth and onto his clothes. So much for having pizza the night before. All he could taste was vomit and maybe a hint of tears. He was most definitely sober now and he didn’t want to be. What he could remember of last night’s dream was enough to send him back into his spiral of pills. He didn’t want the relieving high of pot, he wanted to feel like shit. He wanted to know he deserved to feel like shit.

            He exhaled deeply, trying his best not to spread the vomit around onto the furniture. Luckily, he throws up either from hangovers or nightmares at least once a week so this is a maneuver he isn’t unfamiliar with. He thought about if he should go to work. He didn’t want to and for all he knew, the other guys didn’t want him to either. They probably get more done without him anyway. He made a mental note to text Zach to tell him he wouldn’t be there. Maybe today he should talk to them about putting in his notice today, too.

            After cleaning himself up a bit, he lit up a cigarette and stared at his phone. He was hesitant to talk to any of the guys but he knew he needed to do this. He needed to leave them before they left him. He typed, and he deleted, again and again. He needed some Xanax, maybe that would help him think enough to be able to form a fucking sentence. Four is a good number. It might be too late in the day to text anyway, obviously he wasn’t coming in, it was already 11:30. He didn’t want to worry about any of this shit anymore, he just wanted to be done with it all.

            _E: Hey, won’t be coming in today. Feeling a bit sick, sorry. Maybe we could talk tomorrow._

            He was mad at himself for continuing to use an excuse that was so obviously bullshit. Nevertheless, he powered his phone all the way off, not wanting to have to talk to anyone else. He needed to think about how he was going to talk to the guys. Should he do it in real life? The groupchat? Both? He needed to think about the best way to do this. He needed a way to make it final, so they couldn’t try to drag him back in.

            The spiked vodka from last night was left on his coffee table. Fuck it, he downed the rest of the bottle and leaned back on the couch. What the fuck was he even doing with his life at this point.

 

            By 11:00, it was pretty safe to say Eugene wasn’t coming in to work. As much as Zach wished for him to show up, he knew that wouldn’t happen. There was no way they would get two videos out this week, based on how Eugene had been acting with work, it was difficult to even get one out a week. He was sure the fans were probably wondering what was going on but he was too occupied with Eugene to even care. Hopefully Ned and Keith were still being active on their social medias to make up for it a little.  

            When his phone went off around 11:30, he was partially relieved to see Eugene was still alive enough to send him a text. A small weight lifted off his shoulders but another one was replaced after reading his message. Why was he still lying? After the conversation they had on Saturday, Zach thought he would at least give up with the excuses. And he wants to talk? He never wants to talk. Anxiety flooded his system. He sat there, phone in hand, trying to think of a reply, if he even should.

            _Z: It’s okay. Just tell me when you want to talk._

            “Is that Eugene?” Ned swiveled around in his chair. Zach just nodded, setting his phone down on his desk. “What’d he say?”

            “He said he wasn’t going to be here… and he wants to talk tomorrow,” Zach stared at the floor. He felt very anxious, but at the same time, very numb. It was very a very surreal feeling.

            “Did he say about what?”

            Zach just shook his head and Ned let out a sigh, turning back to his work. Zach stayed in his position for an extended amount of time, trying to think straight about what Eugene could be wanting to talk about. He was supposed to be giving him space but that seemed so difficult right now. All he wanted to do was be there for Eugene and try to help him, but he didn’t know how. It seemed like everything he did somehow made everything worse. He wished he knew what to do. He wished Eugene was okay. He wished everything was back to the way it was when they had first started the Try Guys videos at Buzzfeed; when they were all young and happy.

            He could wish all he wanted, but this was the way things were now and he was just going to have to get used to it if he really wanted to help Eugene. Hell, they still didn’t even really know what was going on with him. Zach had a very strong feeling it was drugs but even then, he didn’t know how to help from there. If only Eugene would let him in this would be so much easier.


	11. night out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> haha teased you fools

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof it took a hot second for this one but HEY I DIDN'T FAIL ANY MIDTERMS WHATS UP!!!! also if yall think i'm bouta write some smut think again, i aint playing like that. No lie, this chapter has been more fun to write than any other because this whole fic is just a shit show of popping pills (spoiler, Eugene does something other than excessively take xanax)

Eugene was standing at a door, his nose practically up against it because he was so close. It was a cold, steel door with no handle or openings of any kind. From what he could see using his peripheral vision, the room around him was empty, but well lit. For some reason, he couldn’t move from his place against the door. It was like he was trapped there, like he wasn’t in control of his own body. Until the door burst open, causing him to flee in fear backwards in reaction.

            He landed roughly on the floor behind him, his head knocking against the extremely hard wall. Zach, Ned, and Keith stepped through the door, except it wasn’t really them. They seemed morphed or altered, as if they were fucked up clone versions of the real thing. But they were still real to Eugene.

            “We know what you’re planning, Eugene,” Zach said, but his voice wasn’t his. It had a dark undertone that the real Zach would never have.

            “You want to leave us, Eugene,” Keith said with the same almost trance-like tone as they as slowly moved closer to Eugene’s spot on the near the wall.

            “Why would you leave us, Eugene?” Ned tilted his head in a mockingly confused manner. “Do you think you’re too good for us?”

            “N–No, no I’m not–that’s not why–,” All of Eugene’s thoughts were getting jumbled in his brain. As much as he wanted to talk, when he opened his mouth, only fragments of his words would come out.

            “Fucking pathetic…” Zach muttered under his breath.

            “You’re not better than us,” Keith snapped. “You never were, and you never will be. You’re replaceable.”

            “You’re done, Eugene. You’re out,” Ned said flatly.

            “Wha–,” Eugene tried to speak again but he was interrupted.

            “We don’t want you anymore. You’re not good enough for us,” Zach scoffed at him. “You’re pitiful for thinking you could drop us before we get rid of you.” Just as he finishes the sentence, he pulls a pistol from behind his back. Eugene doesn’t have time to fully comprehend what’s happening before Zach aims at his head and pulls the trigger, violently waking him up, but not before he could hear the faint laughs of the three guys.

            He gasped for air as he flung himself forward, now back on his couch where he fell asleep hours before. These nightmares were really starting to get annoying. And frequent. There was sweat plastering his hair to his forehead and his shirt felt too tight against his chest. Everything was too close to him. He needed space.

He ripped the shirt off over his head to try to stop the claustrophobic feeling but it was still overwhelming. Air was struggling to enter his body. He could feel himself beginning to hyperventilate. His head was spinning in circles, not letting himself calm down from the dream. It was like there was barrier between his lungs and the oxygen in the room. Leaning forward more, he placed his head between his knees. _One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight._ He counted in his head, still struggling to breathe. _Just a dream. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Breathe._

He repeated the numbers again and again, until his breathing fell even with each digit. _It was just a dream._ His hands where shaking uncontrollably against his legs, reminding him of how he felt in the dream. What does it even mean? Obviously, Zach wasn’t going to shoot him if he didn’t leave the company but would it hurt more if he didn’t?

There was a good ten minutes of him sitting after waking up where he was just thinking and trying to his best to steady his hands. It was then that he realized he needed to figure out how he was going to tell the guys he was leaving. He grabbed his laptop from his desk and returned to the couch. Upon opening it, the time showed on the screen was nearly seven in the evening; yet another day gone to waste. He really needed to get better about not sleeping through weeks at a time.

He typed for about thirty minutes before finally coming up with something that didn’t make him want to actually off himself:

_After a lot of thinking, I’ve decided I want to leave the Try Guys. This is purely a personal decision; it has nothing to do with any of you. Thank you for keeping me around for as long as you did. I appreciate all the opportunities you’ve given me, but it’s time for me to move on to other things. I wish you all the best._

_x Eugene_

Without realizing it, he was crying. Silent tears fell from his eyes onto his cheeks. He didn’t want to cry about this because he knew he was doing the right thing for everyone. He knew, no matter what they all would say, they didn’t want him there.

Fuck this. He slammed his laptop shut, half throwing it onto the coffee table. He was going out. There was a nice bar across town that he usually goes to called the Red Door; it’s out of the way so he doesn’t have to worry about anyone he knows seeing him there. Plus, it’s hidden, meaning you can’t really get in unless you know what you’re trying to find. It’s almost like his safe place. If you could consider a bar a safe place.

He got up, heading towards his closet. Maybe he would even fix his hair tonight. He picked out a pair of black denim pants with holes in various places, a deep crimson V-neck, and black blazer. His pair of oxfords would go nice with the outfit as well. He quickly showered, being sure to wash his hair well. It had been a solid two weeks, at least, since he’s been out; it’s like he has to remind himself what to do.

The first thing he did after his shower was style his hair. He dried it, brushed it, put product in it, and hair sprayed it; the whole nine yards. As he was placing the hair spray can back under the sink, he spotted the tube of red lipstick that he kept from Pride. He froze for a second with temptation. Truth be told, he loved wearing that lipstick. After he bought it for pride, he had worn it out several times; though never with the guys. Not that he was ashamed or thought they would judge him, he just he didn’t want to make them uncomfortable. Being the only non-straight guy in a group of guys who had all been uncomfortably intimate with each other was a little awkward. He was sure he already made them uncomfortable enough by just being around, no need to add to that with being outwardly flamboyant.

He snatched the small cylinder from its place and applied the red stain to his lips. He didn’t care. He wasn’t planning on seeing anyone he knew tonight, other than the usual’s at the bar. It was bright and flawless. Wow, he felt like a bad bitch. He slipped the small tube into his pocket and reached for his medicine cabinet. He didn’t want to get high before going out, but he still needed just one to keep him normal in any social situations.

Gathering his wallet and phone, he slid his finger across the screen to delete the notification for Zach’s unread message and called an Uber. No way he was taking his car, knowing he was either getting fucked up beyond being able to legally drive or going home with someone else. Either way it meant no car, which was totally okay with him; it’s just one less responsibility.

The ride to Toluca Lake was about forty-five minutes without traffic; with, it was probably closer to an hour and fifteen. When he first moved to LA, driving seemed like a nightmare, but after all the years he’s become immune to it. The Uber let him out in front of Riverside Pizza and he followed the alleyway next to it to find the red door necessary for entry to the bar. It was kind of hidden, and hard to get to, but that’s how he liked it. The more secluded, the better. It wasn’t like the bar wasn’t full when he walked in, but it was pretty easy to fill considering the size. Even when it was at its full capacity, there still weren’t as many people as the bars he would go to with the other guys or his Buzzfeed friends. Regardless, he wandered to one of the bartenders, Mark, and ordered a Bloody Mary with extra vodka, how he likes it.

Mark nodded in acknowledgement, turning to grab the vodka behind him, “Haven’t seen you around in while, Eugene…”

“Yeah…” Eugene sighed, “I’ve been busy.”

Mark gave him a knowing look. He’s been coming around this bar long enough for people like Mark, who has worked here for years, to know what being busy means. Eugene has been ‘busy’ in the past but never like this; and depending on how out of control he gets tonight, Mark will either know or not know how bad he’s gotten. Hopefully the latter.

After a short minute, Mark slid Eugene the drink. “So, how’s the company?”

Oh right, the company, “Uh– It’s good… Kind of off to a slow start but, you know…” He trailed off, taking a drink. Mark nodded, as if he understood. But he doesn’t really.

“I watched the last video,” of course he did. He always has been supportive of Eugene ever since he started coming here regularly. “It was good… You looked a bit distant though. Everything good?”

Shit. He had practically forgotten about that completely. Memory loss is a major side effect of whatever you call this lifestyle, “Oh? I think I was just super tired the day of filming or something… We’ve been working basically nonstop.”

“Yeah, I get that… Just don’t work yourself too hard. Don’t want you passing out in our chairs anymore,” He laughed at the memory of when Eugene used to work at Buzzfeed and would come here after a week of nearly no sleep, drinking too much, and passing out here. Every. Single. Week. On some unlucky occasions, there would be vomit involved as well. But Mark was always there for him nonetheless, cleaning up his mess and putting blankets over him as he slept away in the wooden chairs.

Eugene half smiled at the memories as well. It was cringey to think back on but nice to make fun of and not care, “That was a rough time,” he let out an airy laugh (if you could call it a laugh) and took a large drink of his Bloody Mary.

“Eh– it was alright,” Mark shrugged, picking up some glasses to clean. But before Eugene could continue to speak, someone walked up to order a drink, taking Mark’s full attention away from him. He turned to the corner where the owner, Doc, and his band usually play. Tonight, it was only the owner, considering it was just a Monday and there were really not very many people in particular to play in front of. No matter what day of the week it is, Doc would always play, either with or without his band; even if it was just one song or a whole set. Part of Eugene thinks Doc should’ve started a band and actually took off with it instead of opening this bar. He was honestly a talented guy but then again, without this bar, Eugene wouldn’t have his safe place. And maybe Doc liked his small crowds here. Who was he to judge someone else’s life decisions?

People ordering drinks come and go, as well as the drinks Eugene orders. He’s on his third Bloody Mary when a guy with light brown hair and hazel eyes walks up to the bar. The man is noticeably shorter than Eugene but not _short_. He has a pair of dark blue jeans on with a white button-down shirt on and some fresh all white Nike Air Force 1’s (which Eugene almost hates himself for liking). To Eugene’s affinity, the man sat down, only putting one chair of distance in between them.

“Hi, yeah, can I get an Old Fashioned, please?” His voice was deep, but not too deep; like a low husky sounding voice. It may have been the alcohol talking, but Eugene liked it. And he may or may not have been staring at him for a more than acceptable amount of time. When Mark finally gave him his drink, Eugene could’ve swore he saw the man glance in his direction. Nevertheless, he turned and sipped his drink.

It was when Eugene finished his and was just about to ask Mark for another when the unnamed man turned to him, “Mind if I buy you a drink?”

The already present warm fuzzy feeling in his gut was just intensified by the question the man asked, “Sure,” Eugene replied with a slight smirk on his lips. He wasn’t quiet drunk yet, but he sure as hell was buzzed. He watched closely as the other man smiled and paged Mark and asked for two margaritas.

“I like the lipstick,” the man turned and said, half smirking, half smiling at Eugene.

“Yeah?” Eugene smiled back, a hint of pink filled his cheeks. The other man nodded and stuck out his hand toward him.

“I’m Eli,”

Eugene took his hand and the shook it only a small amount, “Eugene.” Mark was now handing them their drinks, giving him a quick glance. Eugene only giving a sly glance in return. The man, Eli, nodded and took a sip of his drink.

“So, what are you doing here on a Monday night? By yourself?” there was a slight slur to his words, leading Eugene to believe he was probably already drunk.

“I could ask the same to you,” the reply would’ve been sarcastic if Eugene wasn’t smiling so damn much.

Eli laughed a bit, taking another drink, “Oh I was just in the neighborhood…”

“Can’t say I’m any different,” Eugene took another drink. People coming to this bar weren’t just ‘in the neighborhood’. Especially since it was so hard to find. And a Monday. This guy probably had some shit he was trying not to think about and, in a very similar way, Eugene did too; so, he didn’t mind not talking about it. Regardless, Eugene wasn’t big on sharing personal information if he could help it. After all, this was his place to go where no one knew him (except Mark and a few other employees), and he’d like to keep it that way.

“Mysterious… I like it…” Eli nudged Eugene’s shoulder a bit, giggling. Eugene smiled like a kid. This guy was so fucking cute and he hated it. He drank more of the margarita to avoid saying anything stupid. “Alright Mr. Mysterious, what dreadful job will you be heading to in the morning?”

Eugene gave him a bit of side eye before downing the rest of his drink. He was doing so good not thinking about the Try Guys while talking to this guy. Not thinking about anyone who’s part of the company; not thinking about Zach or Ned or Keith or _Zach_. “Nothing too exciting…”

He raised his now empty glass to Mark as he looked at Eli’s half empty one. “Two shots, please Mark,” Then turned to Eli, “On me.”

Eli smirked, raising his glass and downing the rest of his margarita in preparation of the shot. It was almost like they were competing on who could drink more, which was weird because they both had no idea how much each other had drank before this. Eugene hoped the other guy wasn’t too smashed yet. Mark stood in front of them on the opposite side of the bar as he waited for the other two to drink, like he was keeping an eye on Eugene. And Eugene was fully aware of it.

“You good with this?” Eugene asked Eli, picking up his full shot glass.

“Yes, very,” Eli picked his up, clinking it against Eugene’s. Simultaneously, they tapped their glasses on the counter before throwing them back. Naturally, Eugene took it like it was water. Having practically only drank straight vodka nearly every day for the last four fucking years. But, out the corner of his eye, he could see Eli wince. That made Eugene laugh audibly. Eli’s cheeks turned pink and he gave a small, restrained cough.

“Sorry… I don’t normally do shots,”

“No, no, it’s okay. Do you want another or…” Eugene was still laughing a little at the other man’s reaction.

“Sure, I mean, if you want to I’m down,” Eli offered.

“Yeah, let’s do it…” He smiled at Eli and turned to Mark yet again, “Two more, please and thanks.”

Just a few short seconds later and the clear liquid was in front of them again and they were throwing back liquor like it was nobody’s business; laughing and exchanging glances and getting way too drunk. Just how Eugene liked it. After their third shot, Eli had moved to the seat right next to Eugene and they were sitting with their shoulders more than touching. Eugene could feel the heat from the other man’s breath on his face. It was exhilarating.

“Hey, do you uh– do you wanna get out of here or something?” Eugene tried to stifle his slur but he was probably unsuccessful considering all he could focus on was the absolutely stunning jawline just inches from him. Eli was incredibly attractive. It was almost as if every feature Eugene found attractive was put onto one person.

“I’d love to,” Eli’s eyes trailed from Eugene’s down to his lips. Goddamn, this man would be the death of him. The warmth in his stomach was beginning to trail down to his pants. Yeah, they needed to get out of here. He threw two fifty dollar bills on the counter and hoped Mark assumed he was paying for both the men’s drinks. It’s not like this hasn’t happened before.

Eugene grabbed Eli’s hand and dragged them both toward the exit. As soon as they were beyond the confines of the bar and around the corner, in the alleyway, Eugene pressed Eli against the brick, smashing his bright red lips into the other mans. Eli wrapped his arms around Eugene’s neck and pulled him closer, as if they weren’t already mushed together. Eugene felt his hands slip down to Eli’s hips. The kiss was sloppy, but what else was to be expected from two exceptionally drunk dudes.

“My place or yours?” Eli huffed between kisses.

“Yours,” Eugene was quick to respond. He knew the answer before he had to ask the question. No way was he taking a guy home from a bar; God forbid one of the guys comes over and catches him with a guy from a one night stand. The kept kissing like that for at least another five minutes. When they stopped, Eugene noticed he was the one on the wall now and Eli was calling an Uber.

If Eugene would’ve been sober, he would’ve felt incredibly bad for the Uber driver. The two were loud and messy in the backseat. It was taking all of Eugene’s will power to not rip Eli’s pants off in this car. It felt like forever before the car pulled up on a fairly nice apartment building that he assumed was Eli’s. Eugene followed Eli out of the car, up the pathway and through the front door of the complex. They were holding hands the whole way to refrain from _touching_ each other.

The keys to Eli’s apartment shook in his hand, the mix of being drunk and crazy horny was not the best for trying to unlock your door but Eugene tried his best to be patient. When he finally got it, the whole world clicked in place. The two busted through the door, Eugene now the one being slammed into the back of the closed door. It was exactly what he wanted. What he needed.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Eli asked before reaching for Eugene’s pants.

“Yes.”


	12. unintentional mistakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aye look at this, two updates in two days what's up. its a shorter chapter but i hope you don't hate it. its really eugene centric so yeah but i think I'm gonna start the next chapter with the other three guys (you'll see what i mean after you read it)

Zach can’t stand the distance. Maybe he’s just clingy, but he misses Eugene. A lot. He misses when they would hang out after work or sit next to each other every day. They could talk about anything, or at least he could; but now it feels like they aren’t even friends. For fuck sake, it’s been weeks since Eugene has willing hung out with him or any of their other friends. For all he knows, Eugene hasn’t been talking to anyone. That was what scared him the most. He knew Eugene had other friends besides the ones they share, but he hasn’t seen anyone on social media posting about him at all. Eugene was secluding himself, which was exactly why Zach was so at odds with the three of them giving him space. He didn’t need space; he needed help. Regardless of who it’s coming from.

And this ‘talk’ Eugene needed to have with them… That could go either way. Based on how he’s been acting, Zach doesn’t think there’s any chance of him trying to be up front with them or maybe even just give a little hint as to why he’s been in such a bad place. No, he’s afraid Eugene’s going to do something stupid. What if he wants to take a break or something?  

He almost hated Eugene right now. He hated him in every way that just makes him want to be around him more. Why did he have to do all these things to distance himself? Why can’t he just understand that they all love him unconditionally? All Zach wanted to do was make Eugene realize how much they all, especially Zach, love him. Why was that so fucking difficult? He understood it was just the mental illness; hell, he’s even struggled some himself, but it’s just so aggravating to be on the other side of it. He hated that he couldn’t reach Eugene anymore. He just wishes he could take all Eugene’s pain away, even if it meant giving it to himself.

That’s how much he loved Eugene. He was willing to hold the burden of all Eugene's worst demons so he didn’t have to. And if it was possible, trust he would do so in an instant without hesitation. He just wanted Eugene to be happy. Really happy, not just content or rich; he wanted Eugene to feel like he was supposed to be here when he wakes up every day. He wanted Eugene to feel like he belongs on this planet, with all his friends and family. He wanted Eugene to feel at peace with being alive.

Why were all the things he wished he could give to Eugene so intangible? Zach would give anything to take Eugene’s pain away. But, in a way, he knew that no matter how much love they could shower on Eugene, it might not make a difference. That’s just how mental illness works, and whatever Eugene is going through is probably bigger than any of the three of them could imagine. As much as Zach would never want to admit it, this might be something he has to conquer on his own before he begins to get better. It might be inconvenient, but that’s just how it is. Regardless, Zach will still do everything in his power to make sure Eugene wasn’t alone. No one deserves to fight that battle alone, even if, in the end, it’s just up to him alone to win.

-

            Pitch black was the first thing Eugene saw when he opened his eyes. His whole head was groggy and there was a sharp pain in his head. He was definitely hungover. The bed he was in felt vaguely unfamiliar against his skin; which lead to one question: Where was he? Last night must’ve been rough… He began to backtrack his steps. First, he woke up after passing out all day, nothing out of the ordinary. Then he decided to go out for the first time in a while. Again, not that unusual, although infrequent. He went to the Red Door and ordered his usual from Mark. Okay, how much did he drink? Knowing himself, he probably had at least two or three Bloody Mary’s, but he’s never blacked out from just that before. Trying to make some connection to the bed he was in to last night, he moved some of his limbs around in an attempt to find a phone. No luck, but he felt another body right next to him. Fuck. He did it again. He just hopes the drunk Eugene decided to use protection.

            Now that he pretty much had a good understanding of what happened, he lifted himself off the bed as quietly as possible. His eyes were adjusting to the dark even though his head was pounding relentlessly. There should be a phone around here somewhere, preferably his but he knows how that is. Near the door sat a pile of clothes that he assumed were his. Checking the pockets of the dark jeans, he pulled out his phone. Good, he didn’t lose another phone. That would be awkward. He hit the home button, the bright light illuminating the room and intensifying his headache. _5:08 am._ He needs to get home as soon as possible.

            He left the bedroom after gathering the clothes on the floor. The apartment he was in was small, so it wasn’t difficult to find his way to the front door. He put on the clothes he assumed he wore last night and snuck his way out the front door. This was an all too familiar action which he hated repeating. He called an Uber and waited somewhat impatiently for the driver to whisk him away to his place. Lucky, whatever guys house he was at was fairly close to his house, so it wouldn’t be too long of a drive back.

            The entire ride was unbearable. All he could think about was the text he was planning on sending to the group chat and it made his hangover worsen exponentially. He couldn’t sit still. He said he would talk to them today so that’s what he would do. Maybe they could just keep it all over the phone today; he really didn’t feel like seeing anyone. God, he was so over this already.

            When he arrived home, the first thing he did was grab some aspirin from the kitchen. With any luck, his hangover would be gone by midday, but not knowing how much he drank was not going to help. Maybe he could smoke a little before doing anything, that used to help him with hangovers when he was young. He shook his head at his inability to be sober for more than thirty fucking minutes. He didn’t _want_ to be under any influences when trying to talk things out with the guys but he’ll see how long that lasts.

He wandered over to his laptop on the coffee table and opened it up, revealing the Word document with the message on it. He copied and pasted it into the iMessage text box but left it there. He wasn’t going to send it this early in the morning. There’s no way any of them are awake yet. No, he’ll wait till at least nine, and in the meantime, he’ll catch up on some much-needed news. No worse way to start your day than hearing that the world is probably going to end and possible rapists are running the Supreme Court. What a great time to be American. Maybe if he was lucky, there would be a more optimistic story for today. Probably not but it was worth the watch anyway.

When nine-o-clock rolled around, he was restless. While trying to watch the news, which didn’t help his already falling mood, he analyzed every outcome he could think of. What if they agreed wholeheartedly to letting him go and confessed they were about to ditch him anyway? What if they refused to let him go because of legal contracts? What if they don’t respond to the message at all? What if they want to meet up to talk face to face? And countless more possibilities. His mind was going a mile a minute, and with the actual message ready to send in the iMessage text box, all he needed to do was send it, but every time his finger got within an inch of the button he pussied out. Oh God, this was too much. He couldn’t do this. He can’t leave. What is he thinking? Every part of his body was shaking.

No, he said he would do this. All the planning and missing work, he couldn’t back out of doing this after fucking his position in the company up so badly. He needed to get himself out before they decided to get rid of him. Especially since he’s basically ruined his place as an owner anyway. He paced from one end of the room to another, trying his best to keep focused on what he needed to do. _Just click the fucking button._ Oh Jesus, this was too much.

Pacing into the kitchen, he grabbed the vodka bottle from its place on the countertop. He gave a quick glance toward the stove clock, it read 9:32. He took a few gulps from the bottle, ignoring his hangover and his liver pleading him not to drink any more, and exited the kitchen to continue pacing.

Every few feet, he would take another drink. Maybe if he got drunk enough he would be able to actually send the message. He read over it once again, checking for typos; or maybe he wasn’t giving enough information? Should he make it longer to explain more things? If he did that, maybe he wouldn’t have to talk to them as much. Fuck, he was making this so much more complicated than it needed to be. All he has to do is send the fucking message. Why is it so fucking difficult?

Somehow, his feet brought him to the bathroom. And he didn’t need to use the bathroom. In an unusual sense, he hasn’t even thought about his pills yet today. He’s been so busy with sending this text, he has been incapable of thinking of anything else. But now that he’s here… it definitely won’t hurt to take a few, right? Loosen him up just a bit. That would probably help him send the fucking message. Let’s go for three. Three is good. Some people even consider it a lucky number. He swallowed them with one drink, so used to the feeling of pills down his throat.

He sat back in front of the computer once more, letting his body digest all the substances. He stared at the screen for a split second before saying fuck it and hitting the button before his brain could take anything back. It was sent. He sent it. Oh my god. When his head finally caught up with his actions, his breath quickened. Oh my god. He took another heaping gulp. Oh my god. His breathing was so uneven and fast, he wasn’t sure he was getting any oxygen. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. He sent the message. And there’s no replies yet, what if they don’t care. Oh my god. He could feel his heart beating in his chest. He felt like it might explode.

He stood up, unaware of his own actions. His legs were shaking so badly he could barely walk. He took another swig from the bottle, trying to breathe in between drinks but struggling so badly. He stumbled through the living room and into the bathroom once again. Taking another drink, he plopped himself onto the toilet seat, trying his best not to bounce his legs, but they were uncontrollable. He put his hands on his knees and heaved. He kept trying to gasp for air but it felt like none of the oxygen was able to reach his lungs. Jesus Christ, he was going to die right here in his fucking bathroom because he couldn’t not hyperventilate. He’s going to be the first, most pathetic human to ever die of a panic attack. The thought made it even harder to breathe. He took another drink.

Now there were spots in his vision. He needed to calm down, but god he couldn’t breathe. Everything was so difficult right now. He was going to die. He was going to die. He was going to _die._ Oh god, he needed more pills. He needed to calm down. He needed something to help him calm down. His legs could barely hold him up when he stood, and all the blood felt like it rushed to his head, making it hard to stay up. He clutched the countertop to keep him from plummeting to the bathroom floor. With a shaky arm, he reached for the Xanax bottle in his medicine cabinet. He poured some into his hand, some even dropping into the sink after the bottle cap. He didn’t count them, but he probably wouldn’t’ve been able to since his vision was blurring in and out.

His hands shook as he emptied the pills from the bottle into his palm, the bottle soon dropping into the sink as well. It was almost as if there were tears that were blocking his vision but he couldn’t tell if he was crying or not. He tried to take one more breath in but failed as he threw the handful of pills into the back of his throat and took a countless number of drinks from the bottle. It was then that his legs finally gave out as his grip gradually loosened from the countertop. His knees and right thigh were the first to hit the ground, his hands following suit. Unfortunately, the vodka bottle was still in his hand when he dropped, causing glass to pierce through his hand and shatter all across the floor. But now everything was cold and he couldn’t even feel the floor below him, let alone the glass in his hand. The broken bottle didn’t even register as he unconsciously lowered himself closer and closer to the floor. It was only when he felt a small thud on the back of his head that he realized he was now looking at the ceiling.

But now he was no longer shaking. He felt, for one very quick moment, that he could breathe. But the feeling went almost as soon as it came because now all he could feel was static and all he could see was black.  


	13. hurry up and wait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is a long one bois

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had a lot to say before i got here, and now I'm here but can't find my words. there's so much for me to say but maybe I'm just feeling emotional™. hope this ones not too cringey... also like the new video and the wired interview, i think zach is the one who smokes a lot of pot bc of his auto immune disease bc i know i do for mine (i have alopecia). and zach's not single??? Eugene has had a dick is his mouth??? eugene doesn't actually smoke pot??? and he's an emotional high (and giggly)??? all the information man its crazy i don't know what to do with myself. also like sometimes i feel really guilty about writing fan fiction because 1) these are real people that I'm creating a completely false narrative for, 2) I'm lowkey being lazy by not just creating my own characters (which i've tried but for some reason it's just not as good?), 3) I'm romanticizing the hell out of mental illness and drug use which is completely fucked up of me to do like drugs aren't fucking cool and mental illness is something we should get help for. But at the same time I'm over here getting high everyday on anything i can find and wanting to kill myself over the stupidest shit. i don't want to create a false narrative for people i love so much but thats what I'm over here doing. thanks for coming to my ted talk.

Zach was the first person to check the text when all of their phones buzzed. As soon as he saw the name _Eugene_ appear across the screen, he wasted no time swiping to read it. The message was sent to the group chat:

            _After a lot of thinking, I’ve decided I want to leave the Try Guys. This is purely a personal decision; it has nothing to do with any of you. Thank you for keeping me around for as long as you did. I appreciate all the opportunities you’ve given me, but it’s time for me to move on to other things. I wish you all the best._

_x Eugene_

            This was what he wanted to talk to them about. Of course. Zach fucking knew it. He swiveled around in his chair so he could see the other two, “Uh, guys… Check your phones.”

            Both Ned and Keith looked concerned and confused when he said this, but complied nonetheless.

            “Oh my god…” Keith whispered. And Ned’s face fell. There was a heaping amount of anxiety in Zach’s gut; he wasn’t sure what to say.

            “Do you think this is why he’s been acting so weird?” Ned asked quietly, still staring at his phone as if he was reading the text again, “And he’s not just on drugs?”

            Zach wasn’t sure how to answer that. Deep down, he still thought Eugene was probably doing drugs, but now it was even more difficult to say. Maybe he was just acting up because he was trying drift away from the three of them. Maybe he was doing drugs. Maybe it was both. God, why did Eugene have to do this. Now of all times, as well. They had just starting their company and, as far as the three of them knew, everything was seemingly going great between them all. Apparently not. He looked from Ned to Keith and back at his phone, “I honestly don’t know.”

            The silence that followed was extraordinarily painful. How could Eugene do this to them? They were all in this together, right? Four best friends who just happened to double as business partners; what happened to that? And to make the decision with almost no warning or negotiation, what the fuck was Eugene’s plan here? Did he just want to up and leave immediately? Did he want to finish out the year and wait till he could get out of the business contract?

            “He can’t really want to leave… right?” Keith was the first to break the silence, “I mean, he was all for starting the company. Why would he want to back out now? This doesn’t make any sense…”

            “Let’s just talk to him, okay. We shouldn’t make any assumptions yet. For all we know, he just wants a break…” Ned piped up, trying his best to remain optimistic.

            “What should we text back?” Zach had his phone in hand, ready to reply with whatever they could come up with.

            “Well we definitely shouldn’t have _this_ conversation over phone. Ask if we could all meet up and talk?” Keith suggested, there was a light hint of nervousness in his voice.

            “Just here? Should we give him like thirty minutes?” Zach began typing together a message.

            “Yeah, just ask him if he’ll come here in like thirty and we can all talk this out. I don’t think he really wants to leave. Like, he loves doing this… He’s literally the most liked guy out of all of us. I just don’t see how he could want to leave,” Ned was thinking out loud. Everything he said had a point, even if none of them really wanted to admit that Eugene was probably the most liked out of all of them.

            Zach sent the message. He tried not to make it too formal but it was hard not to when he didn’t know how to talk to Eugene anymore. Not to mention, he was literally considering leaving.

            Z: _Meet us at the office in thirty minutes so we can all talk about this._

            “What if he doesn’t come?” Zach was letting his anxiety speak for a second. What if he doesn’t even reply to the message? He can’t shut them out completely, right? Regardless of if Eugene wanted to or not, if he really did leave, they would have to talk out the logistics and everything with the contracts and ownership status. It wasn’t like you could just say you’re out and that’s it.

            “We’ll give him forty minutes to get here…” Ned spoke with a contemplative voice. There was a pause.

            “And if he doesn’t?” Zach asked again, his voice probably sounding tenser.

            “Then, I guess we go to his house?” Ned looked at the two other men. Keith nodded in reply. Zach looked Ned in the eyes, which spoke the words his mouth failed to say. The look conveyed fear and anxiety, which have been unfortunately common feelings shared between the three for their friend.

            Thirty minutes had passed but no one did any work. They all sat in their mutual anxiety waiting for either Eugene to text or walk through the door. It was completely silent except for the sounds of the computers and each other’s breathing. There were absolutely no sounds of a car pulling up or the front door opening or anyone’s phone buzzing. It was fucking dreadful. Zach was bouncing his knee, trying not to freak himself out more than he already was. He knew he needed to stay calm; for his sake and the sake of everyone else in the room, and, of course, Eugene. He just wondered what the fuck Eugene was thinking. There were no words to explain just how dumbfounded he was at everything Eugene has been doing recently. First with the missing work, then coming to work possibly high, never wanting to be around them and now trying to quit the Try Guys. It just didn’t make any sense. He always tried to be a good friend to Eugene, but evidently, he wasn’t good enough because even Eugene is going as far as wanting to get out. What if Eugene hated him and just wanted to be away from him as much as possible? Was this all his fault?

            “It’s almost been forty minutes…” Keith interrupted Zach’s train of thought.

            “Should we go see if he’s home?” Zach’s voice was quiet. Both Ned and Keith nodded, getting up from their seats.

            “We can take my car,” Ned offered, grabbing his keys. They were all still exceptionally silent, only nodding and mumbling in agreement. They were all too busy with their own thoughts and worries to be holding conversations, especially Zach. He was just hoping Eugene just didn’t hear his phone go off or something like that. He was hoping for the best and planning for the worst. The whole ride over to Eugene’s house just consisted of him thinking of millions of scenarios that could’ve prevent Eugene to come to the office; someone broke in a murdered him, he fell asleep because he didn’t get a good night sleep, he turned off his phone, he had the TV up too loud for him to hear his phone, he was in the shower and only just got the message, he was at the office now and they just didn’t wait long enough? But out of all the things he thought of on the ride over, none of them compared to what really happened.

            Thank god it was a relatively light traffic time of day, leading them to arrive in only fifteen minutes. When they pulled in, Eugene’s car was in the driveway, meaning he was still home unless he decided to Uber somewhere so early in the day, which was unlikely. They stood opposite the front door of his house, waiting as patiently as possible for someone to come answer the door. After knocking on the door for the fifth time, Zach tried the handle. He twisted it slowly, realizing it was unlocked which was very out of character for Eugene.

            Taking a few steps into the house, Zach moved slow, the others following suit, “Hello!” he shouted into the house, “Eugene?! Are you home?” There was no response. He wondered past the entrance to the kitchen, which led him further into the main living space. He tried calling out again. So did Ned. Again, no response.

            In the living room, the TV was turned on to the news. His phone and laptop both sat on the coffee table in front of the couch. Eugene almost never went anywhere without his phone, so he must be here. Zach’s stomach did summersaults. He didn’t like this at all. There was something wrong. Everything felt wrong. He looked at Ned and Keith, who seemed to share the feeling just by the look on their faces. They all looked around the living room, trying to see if there were any signs of Eugene in there. Just then, a light caught Zach’s eye, causing him to look closer in the direction of the bathroom. The light was on but the door was open. He started towards the bathroom slowly, almost scared of what he might see.

            “Eugene?” he said just a second before rounding the corner of the door. As he looked in, Eugene’s body was revealed to him, sprawled on the floor with glass everywhere. There was blood seeping out of his left hand and shards of glass poked out of him in many places. “Eugene!” He screamed alarmingly.

            His first instinct was to check his pulse. Was he breathing? He lunged himself at his friends still body, putting his fingers up to his neck. Glass stabbed at his knees as he did so. There was nothing that he could feel, but at the same time, his adrenaline was pumping so hard he couldn’t tell the difference between his pulse or anyone else’s. He looked at Eugene’s neutral face and wanted to cry. He slapped the pale face a few times in a hopeless attempt to possibly wake him up from whatever sleep the man was in.

            When Ned and Keith appeared in the doorway very soon after, he shouted at one of them to call 911. He looked at Keith’s paling face and followed his line of sight to the sink. There was an empty medicine bottle and a few stray pills still left in the sink.

“Oh no, oh god, oh no…” He half whispered, unable to get his voice to speak any louder, “God, what did you do?!” He tried to pick up the nearly lifeless body in an attempt to maybe hold him up. He knew he needed to make Eugene throw up. It wasn’t something he hadn’t had to do in the past for other friends. Unfortunately, this wasn’t his first overdose experience. But Eugene was way larger than him. He was struggling to even hold up any of his limbs long enough to move him an inch. Not to mention the glass everywhere kept threatening to separate his skin in multiple different places.

He looked up to whoever was still in the doorway: Keith. “Help me!” He shouted. Keith looked stunned but nevertheless he darted to the opposite side of Eugene’s body and lifted him up enough to relocate him.

“We need to get him over the toilet!” Zach ordered. For a second, he could hear Ned talking loudly on the phone in the hall. He hoped to any god that Ned was calling an ambulance and that it would be there soon. Zach settled between the toilet and the tub, holding onto the back of Eugene. Keith helped lower Eugene down the rest of the way, putting him almost half in Zach’s lap, trying to be as gentle as possible.

Zach exhaled heavily, trying to breathe as best he could with Eugene’s nearly whole weight put against him like it was. He readjusted a little so he could reach his arm to Eugene’s face. Zach stuck his fingers down Eugene’s throat and propped him forward as much as he could, simultaneously patting his back with as much force as he could have without hurting him. Nothing was coming out yet, but he was determined to get that shit out of his system. Who knows how long it had been since he had taken them. _Oh Christ, please, make him throw up._ Every inch of his body was shaking with pure anxiety and all he could do was shake as he tried to relieve Eugene of the poison in his body.

Keith was overwhelmed at the sight of two of his best friends in the bathroom like this, one nearly dying. He couldn’t move from his place in the room and couldn’t look anywhere else but at Zach who was helplessly trying to force Eugene to throw up whatever pills were in his stomach. He wanted to do something to help Zach but he was absolutely shocked. He couldn’t move. All he could do was watch.

After propelling his fingers multiple times in and out of Eugene’s throat, a white and reddish liquid began spilling from his mouth. _Finally._ There was a wave of relief throughout the room when Eugene started to slightly cough up more and more vomit. Zach was now only having to help him in little bits. Keith was now handing him a damp rag for him to use to wipe Eugene’s face. He continued to pat Eugene’s back as he tried his best to spit out anything he could. Though he was spitting and coughing, he was still mostly unconscious, not having opened his eyes once and still not responding with words to any one’s questions or statements. He wasn’t even awake enough to hold himself up, because as soon as Zach released his upward grip on him, he began to slant backwards and Keith had to rush to make sure he didn’t crack his head open on the bathtub.

Sound was still fairly muffled in Zach’s ears when he saw Ned appear in the doorway, talking to someone. It was only a second later that he saw two first responders right behind his friend and he knew what was happening. In a way, he was more relaxed now that trained professionals were here, but at the same time he was scared. He didn’t know what was going to happen to Eugene from here.

“Sir, could you please leave the bathroom,” the male first responder spoke in a calm voice to Keith, who was almost completely frozen still next to the sink. He nodded, still staring at Zach and Eugene on the floor and stumbled back out of the room. Glass crunched under the man’s feet as crouched next to Zach, who was holding Eugene, and grabbed Eugene’s wrist, the one without ample amounts of glass in it, to check for a pulse and pulled out a small piece of clear plastic that he held under Eugene’s nose for a second. Zach watched as the clear piece clouded and unclouded.

The first responder shouted back towards the door, “He’s breathing!” He then looked back at Zach, “Can you lift him from the back? We need to get you out.”

Zach didn’t know what ‘get you out’ meant but he sure as hell wasn’t about to leave Eugene. He nodded his head anyway and attempted to prepare to lift Eugene’s back. The first responder counted to three and Zach pushed the other man up as the first responder pulled under Eugene’s arm and steadied him on his shoulder. Zach moved out from under Eugene and stood in the corner opposite the toilet, still next to the tub.

Another male first responder entered and grabbed hold of Eugene’s other shoulder as a woman pulled a gurney into the hall, just outside of the door. Zach watched as the pair lifted Eugene and placed him on the stretcher; he couldn’t move. He wanted to follow and shout and ask a million questions but his feet were like cement. He watched as they strapped Eugene’s body down and pushed him off down the hall. For a spilt second, Zach felt like he could pass out, but he needed to get back to Eugene. One by one, his feet carried him as quickly as he could manage to match the pace of the first responders holding his friend. As they made it to near the front door, he saw Ned talking to another woman, who seemed to be writing something down. Keith was stood near them, still looking dead in the face.

“Where are you taking him?” Zach probably shouted, but he couldn’t hear himself speak at this point. He just wanted to be with Eugene where ever he went.

“We need to get him to the hospital,” the woman pushing the far end of the gurney spoke calmly, which was quite the opposite of how what her body language was saying. The ambulance was parked behind both Eugene’s and Ned’s cars, with the lights flashing brightly.

“Which hospital?” he asked quickly.

“UCLA Medical Center. He needs to get to the emergency room as soon as possible,” one of the men spoke this time, his voice a little less calm than the woman’s. Wait, as soon as possible? Oh my god, what did Eugene do?

“I’m going with him!” Zach meant it to be a question, but his brain wasn’t working the way he wanted it to. Now they were loading up Eugene’s body in the back of the ambulance. God, he almost looked dead.

“Sir, please stay with your other friend–,” the woman tried to reason with him, but Zach interrupted. He wasn’t about to let Eugene go alone.

“I can’t leave him!” He shouted at her, trying his best not to cry at the sight of Eugene laying in the back of the truck, being hopelessly connected to different tubes. The woman stared at him for a long second before scrunching her brows.

She looked back into the truck and answered, grabbing onto Zach’s hand to help him into the back, “We don’t have time to argue. Sit still and don’t touch anything, please.”

Zach gave one last look out the back of the opened ambulance door, spotting Ned’s worried eyes and Keith’s anxious expression, before a man on the outside pulled the door closed, shutting him off from the outside world. The only thing on his mind was Eugene. He hadn’t even noticed that upon sitting down, he had grabbed Eugene’s hand. It was cold against his, but not deathly cold. Both the woman and a man from earlier were in the back with him, poking and prodding Eugene with different machines.

“Do you know what he took?” the man asked Zach, who had absolutely no idea.

“Ther–there was a medicine bottle– in the sink. It was empty. A-and the glass… It was probably alcohol…” Zach’s voice was shakier than it had been just moments before. Everything he had saw was now catching up to him. Eugene’s body on the floor. The pill bottle in the sink. The blood. The _vomit._ “I-I made him throw up. Before you got there…” He couldn’t take his eyes off Eugene.

“How much did he throw up?” the woman asked. Her calm façade also seemed to be slipping.

“Not much, but I think it was enough to get a lot of it out. I don’t think he had anything to eat before…” Zach stopped himself. Before he overdosed. Just the pairing of that word with Eugene’s name made him want to throw up until he couldn’t physically throw up anymore. He almost gagged just thinking about it.

“Sir, are you okay?” the woman asked, trying to get Zach to look up at them. “Sir, I need you to answer me.”

Zach couldn’t speak. He was afraid if he opened his mouth, chunks of his breakfast would spew all over Eugene’s body and he refused to do that. He flung his hand, the one not intertwined with Eugene’s, up to cover his mouth and shook his head as much as he could to signify that no, as a matter of fact, he was not okay.

“Get a bag!” the woman shouted at the man who nearly dropped the gauze and medical tape he was holding. Quickly, he reached for a compartment above Zach’s head a pulled out a blue plastic bag, and pushed it towards Zach’s face. It only took about half a second before both of Zach’s hands were holding onto the bag and he was relieving himself of the contents in his stomach, just as he had done to Eugene a little bit before. He coughed and spit into the bag, easily filling it up. God, he was a mess. The two EMTs shouldn’t have to worry about him, they should be focused on Eugene. He was fucking pathetic.

He lifted his head, wiping his mouth to try to remove any excess vomit from his face and whispered with the loudest voice he couldn’t muster, “I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay. Give me the bag,” the woman had a nice tone in her voice, which she was probably trained to have if something like this happened. Regardless, it made Zach feel a fraction less guilty than he had a second before. He handed her the full bag and she grabbed it with one hand that hand a glove on, then disposed of it in the double lined trash can near the front of the truck. She then handed Zach some industrial strength hand sanitizer which they both put on.

Zach leaned himself back and closed his eyes, trying not to think about the images of Eugene when they found him, but it was hard not to. Even looking at him right here, in the back of this fucking ambulance, was better than when he found him. He decided to look at the man instead, who had resumed back to his station of bandages and disinfectants. He watched as the man gathered bandages and medical tape then placed a metal tray on Eugene’s chest. The man continued to sanitize objects at the small counter he was sitting in front of, one of which seemed to be a pair of tweezers. He swiveled around in his chair, holding the gauze, medical tape, tweezers and alcohol wipes then began placing them on the metal tray.

The man held up Eugene’s injured hand and began rubbing the wounds with the alcohol wipes before beginning to use the tweezers to pull pieces of glass out of his hand. With every piece of glass that left Eugene’s hand, the bleeding that hand seemed to stop, starting again profusely. After the paramedic managed to remove all of the glass from his hand, he started to use smaller strips of the dampened white fabric to pack the larger wounds on his palm and wrist. He, then proceeded to wrap the whole hand with a few layers of dry gauze before taping it down. Zach really hoped Eugene didn’t feel any of that. It looked painful, and Zach definitely did not want Eugene in any more pain.

“Sir, are you bleeding anywhere?” the man asked Zach after finished up with Eugene’s hand and turning to dispose of and sanitize the materials used. Zach wasn’t sure if he was bleeding. He had some of Eugene’s blood drying on his shirt but other than that he didn’t know where any of this other newfound blood was coming from. There was blood on his pants and staining his hands. For all he knew, it was just Eugene’s, but this was way too much to just be from one person.

He looked at his still shaky hands, which luckily didn’t really seem to have any glass in them, and to his pants, where an exceptional amount of blood was coming from. It was unusual to see his pants filled with blotchy red spots and it wasn’t until he leaned over a bit to see his pants ripped at the knees, and quite a bit of blood pouring out of them slowly. It wasn’t nearly as bad as Eugene’s hand, but it was still enough to ruin his jeans and probably give him a few scars. He looked up at the man and nodded his head a few times.

“Can you show me where?” the man tried to maneuver closer to Zach but with the tight space and amount of people in here, it was still hard to see around to his knees. Zach pulled his knees up to his chest and winced at the shifting of his skin against his jeans, showing the two EMTs the small pools of blood staining his pants. The male nodded at the damage, “Do you have any other bottoms you could change in to?”

Zach shook his head, “I can- um- I can call someone… to see if they could bring me some shorts…” His voice was rough as it exited his mouth, nearly cracking on certain words.

“Call whoever you need to call. When we get to the hospital we’ll send you to one of the nurses to get you cleaned up, okay?” the woman, Zach felt bad for not knowing her name, said gently. She could probably sense that Zach wasn’t feeling the best right now; having literally just thrown up in the back of an ambulance that wasn’t even meant for him. He appreciated her kindness, nonetheless and nodded as a response, pulling out his phone which was still miraculously in his pant pocket.

The first person he thought to dial was Ned, but Ned and Keith were probably behind the ambulance, following close. He didn’t want to make them turn around and get him some fucking clothes like he’s incapable of doing it himself. He was also sure they would want to be at the hospital just as much as he did, so he didn’t click on Ned name. Instead, he dialed Ariel, unsure if Becky knew about Eugene or not. He knew Ariel probably had Wes or was at work but this was urgent and if Becky wasn’t aware of everything that was going on he didn’t have enough time or energy, or mental stability, to actually explain it.

The phone only rang three times before she picked up, saying hello in her usual cheery voice.

“Hey, Ariel. I-um… I’m on my way to the hospital right now–,” he tried to talk quietly, but still loud enough for her to hear; but she interrupted him mid-sentence.

“What?!” she yelled in a confused tone.

“Yeah… it’s Eugene. He had a bit of an accident– but listen, I need some shorts, okay? Could you please run to my place? Just grab whatever pair, it doesn’t matter… There’s a key under the plant.”

“Zach, what happened?” her voice was overly concerned. She deserved to know what was going on since he was literally asking her to stop whatever she was doing to get him shorts to bring to a fucking hospital of all places, but he couldn’t bring himself to say _it._ He wasn’t sure what Eugene did, or intended to do, but he wasn’t about to start making assumptions while the man was unconscious right in front of him.

“It’s nothing– Just please bring me some shorts. We’ll be at the UCLA med center…” there was a long pause between the both of them, like Ariel was still waiting for some sort of answer out of Zach. But Zach took one more look at Eugene laying in front of him and could’ve starting bawling right there. He said he wouldn’t cry and he wasn’t about to start now. He took a deep, shaky breath, “Please.” His voice nearly cracked yet again.

“Okay…” She almost whispered, but she was still loud enough in Zach’s ears. “I’ll be there soon.” And she hung up. Zach had no doubt she was probably calling Ned now to find out what the fuck was going on. He kept his eyes to the ceiling of the ambulance to stop himself from looking at Eugene, because he knew if he looked at his stupid pale face one more time he would actually lose it. He blinked and blinked and took deep breaths after deep breaths. He wouldn’t cry. Not here. Not now. He couldn’t cry.

After what felt like forever, but was probably just a few minutes, he felt a hand touch his upper thigh. He looked over to see the woman looking at him with sympathetic eyes. “He’ll be okay…”

He felt a few tears travel down his cheek. Wiping them away quickly, he nodded, still trying to divert his eyes. She handed him a tissue, which he appreciated. He dabbed at his eyes as he took a few deep breaths. They were going to be at the hospital soon and everything would be okay. He was okay. Eugene would be okay.

They stayed like that for a few more minutes before they finally arrived at the hospital. There were a group of nurse’s ready to take Eugene inside as the EMTs lowered him out of the ambulance. The female helped Zach out of the back after they got Eugene out and led him after the group. As they were walking, he heard one of the paramedics talking to the nurses, explaining the situation. They said he would need gastric lavage and most likely stitches in his left hand. Zach didn’t fully understand the terminology but he was sure that words like that probably didn’t mean anything to good. The stitches were minor, but what the fuck was gastric lavage. He tried to walk faster to hear what they were saying but it was nearly all being drowned out by the sounds of his heart pounding in his ears.

Once they were inside, the nurses pushing the stretcher were greeted by a doctor who seemed to be in his early forties. The EMT who bandaged Eugene’s hand was now talking to the doctor as the doctor was telling the nurses where to lead Eugene. Zach’s first instinct was to follow Eugene and he almost did, but the doctor stopped him before he could go through the restricted doors.

“I’m sorry, sir, you aren’t allowed back there,” he almost spoke with a casual undertone which made Zach a bit mad.

“No, that’s my friend, I can’t leave him!” Zach threw his arm toward the door as he protested.

“It’s immediate family only. You can see him when he’s relocated to a different room,”

“But–,”

“Zach!” Ned called from his spot near the south entrance desk. Keith and Ariel were right behind him as he speed walked to the group of people standing near Zach.

“I need to get back there!” Zach started up on his rant again, paying almost no mind to his other friends coming this way.

“You are not allowed back there. I’m sorry, but it’s not going to happen,” to Zach, the doctor sounded like he was trying to be a dick. Like he was purposely keeping Eugene from him. And he couldn’t stand it. Luckily, before he could say anything, the female paramedic who was in the truck with him spoke up.

“He needs to see a nurse,” she said to the doctor, pointing at Zach, “There’s glass in both his knees and possibly his hands. He needs to be sanitized and bandaged before he goes anywhere.”

“Right,” the doctor then paged a nurse to attempt to sweep Zach away.

“Wait! What about Eugene?” He stopped before the nurse could take him any further away.

“I assure you, your friend will be fine,” there’s that damn doctor and his stupid tone again. Zach almost felt like he could punch him square in the fucking face.

“I don’t want him to be alone,” Zach said firmly, looking the doctor in the eye.

“Zach, it’s okay. Eugene will be fine,” Ned tried to reach for Zach to try and help the nurse take him to a different room, but Zach swatted away at his hand.

“No, it’s not okay!” He yelled at Ned and at the doctor. “I won’t let him be alone!”

It was quiet for a second before the doctor spoke again. “When we relocate your friend, you will be the first person we notify. Until then, please wait in the waiting room.” And he walked away through the doors.

Zach was stuck in his position between the nurse, paramedics and his friends. He stared at the doors, as if he was waiting for the doctor to walk back through and welcome him in, but it never happened. All he wanted to do was sit with Eugene and tell him it would be okay, but he couldn’t. He was just as alone as Eugene was on the other side of the doors.

“Zach…” Ariel inched toward him, using his soft motherly voice. Zach wanted to move before anyone could get to him, but his feet still weren’t working. “Zach, come on. It’s okay. You need to get cleaned up, okay?”

He looked down at himself, there was blood on his shirt and pants, and even some staining his hands. God, he was a mess. Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to care about how he looks or how bad his knees were cut up because, in the end, Eugene was still back there by himself with a bunch of strangers doing who knows what. For a second, he thought he would throw up again.

“Zach, we need you to go with the nurse,” Ned was using his dad voice. What the fuck was up with both of them trying to parent him. He was a grown man and could think for himself. His head snapped toward Ned and he nearly exploded. If it wasn’t for the shared look of concern on all of their faces, he probably would’ve. He looked at the shorts Ariel was holding and snatched them out of her hand before turning to the nurse who began to lead him down the hall into a different part of the building. He didn’t look back as he was sure the three would be staring at him leaving. He didn’t care, all he wanted to do was be with Eugene right now.

He followed close behind as the woman led him to what seemed to be the opposite end of the hospital. Possibly a clinic area? There were more casual rooms as opposed to blocked off doorways and hazards signs which littered the previous area they were in. Few of the rooms had beds or major operating tables, just desks, chairs, and examination tables. The nurse slowed to a stop in front of room 116 and held her arm out for him to go in first, her following close after.

“We’re going to need to get you out of those pants,” she started, pulling a cloth like fabric out of a cabinet. “If you could put this on over your underwear that would be great. If you want to keep the shirt on for now, that’s fine but you will need to find a new shirt before you go see your friend.”

Zach nodded in agreement, taking the fabric from her and pulling it on before slipping his pants off. The brushing of the denim against his wounded knees hurt more than he would’ve anticipated. He winced a little before remembering the cuts on Eugene’s hand and felt weak for thinking this could hurt nearly as bad as what he had gone through, regardless of if he was unconscious or not.

Once the nurse finished gathering the needed supplies, she made her way to the computer on the desk, “Okay, Zach, my name in Rena. I need to ask you a few questions before we start anything, is that okay?”

She was talking to him like he was fragile, “Yes,” His voice sounded unfamiliar to him. It was almost robotic.

“Good. What is your last name?”

“Kornfeld.”

“Okay. Do you have health insurance?”

“Yes,” they were going back and forth like it was a competition to see who could sound the most generated. She was probably winning, but he wasn’t too far behind her.

“Great! Do you have your insurance card with you right now?”

“No, I left it at work…” It was still at work because he left so quickly from the office to talk to Eugene.

“That’s okay. We can get your information at a later time. Can you tell me what you cut your knees on?”

“A broken glass bottle.”

“Do you know how long you stayed on the glass or on your knees with the glass in them?”

“No,” He was too busy worrying about Eugene to keep track of himself. He probably couldn’t’ve even told you he was injured until the EMT made him point it out.

“Okay… Just by looking from here, I don’t think you’ll need stitches so let’s get them cleaned and wrapped so you don’t have to worry! Would you like me to dispose of your pants or do you plan on keeping them?”

“It doesn’t matter,” He couldn’t care less about whether or not he wanted to keep his fucking jeans. 

“Alright, well we can keep them in a bag so if you decide to keep them you can, okay?”

“Okay,” he hasn’t looked her in the eye once. Instead diverting his eyes to the clock on the wall. It was almost eleven. Each time the second hand jerked forward, he felt a beat in his heart. And he couldn’t decide if it was the clock he was hearing or the sound of his heart thumping in his ears.

“Can you put your legs straight for a second and I will pull this extension out so we can get a better look,” Zach complied. Sticking his legs out straight as she pulled a piece of the table out far enough for Zach to rest his whole legs on it. Wow, he really was bleeding quite a bit.

Rene pulled a tall rolling chair closer to the examination table, as well as a small rolling table which held a tray with tweezers, gauze, medical tape, cotton balls, and sterile saline, “I going to put a bit of saline on both your knees to sanitize before we start. I will also put some more on after I’ve removed all the glass. It shouldn’t burn, but it may be a bit cold.”

She soaked a cotton ball with the liquid and began dabbing around the small glass shards in his knee. It didn’t hurt, per say, but the pressure around the cuts definitely wasn’t comfortable.

“Okay, now I’m going to take all the glass out. If this begins to hurt too much or you need me to stop for a second, just say so.” She was trying to sound nice, but Zach couldn’t think of a world where someone who willingly helped separate him from Eugene would try to actually be nice to him. But at the same time, she was just doing her job; and he can’t hate her for that.

The tweezers pinched his skin and made the bleeding worse. He didn’t know if that was what was supposed to happen, but regardless of what was supposed to happen, it fucking hurt. He hated that he thought it hurt, considering his pieces of glass are miniscule compared to the chunks that were lodged in Eugene’s hand. He felt like a fucking pussy. He didn’t deserve to think this was painful compared to Eugene. He bit the inside of his cheeks to try and refrain from wincing too much. But she pulled a certain piece out that, for some reason, he felt more than any of the others and his leg twitched without Zach being able to stop it first.

“Are you okay? Do you need to stop?” Rena tried to sound concerned, but they both knew she just wanted to get out of here to continue her day.

“No, it’s fine. Let’s just get this over with,” Zach spoke quickly, with no intent of being nice. Thankfully, she didn’t question it or try to ask again. He knew that anything more was definitely above her pay grade, which was understandable. He wouldn’t want to deal with himself either.

It was probably only five minutes before she pulled out the last piece and began dabbing more saline at the wounds. “A few of these could probably use stitches, but they wouldn’t necessarily be needed, so unless you specifically want them, you will be fine with just keeping them properly wrapped and sanitized for a few days or weeks.”

“I don’t want stitches,” was all Zach said in response. He didn’t think he needed stitches considering his wounds were so much lesser. At this point, he just didn’t want to be here anymore. He watched as she tightly wrapped both his knees and taped them secure.

“Okay, once you get dressed, you’re free to go. Do you know where the main waiting room is or would you like me to take you there?”

“I think I know where it is,” he had no idea where it was. He had never even been in this hospital other than the times they all had come to a specific area in the building for a video. Other than that, he was completely lost. It couldn’t be too hard to find though, right? Honestly, he didn’t care if he ended up roaming around the hospital, as long as he wasn’t with any of the fucking nurses or doctors he should be alright. Ideally, he’d be on his way to accompany Eugene, but he knew that wouldn’t happen so it was back to the group for him. Not that he didn’t want to be around his other friends, it was just that Eugene was top priority right now.

When he got his shorts on, he removed the hospital gown before looking at himself. He looked disgusting, with dried blood on his shirt, gauze wrapped around both of his knees and upper shins, and some shorts that didn’t match the rest of his outfit, he was a complete mess. Fuck it. He didn’t care if people saw him like this, the only people whose opinion actually matters is Eugene’s, Ned’s, and Keith’s. Anyone else could just fuck off.

He said his goodbyes to Rena and left the room, going right down the hallway; the same way that he came in. It was pretty easy to find his way to the waiting room. All he had to do was follow the sings plastered on the walls every six feet. He stood at the back entrance to the large main waiting room and scanned around for any of his friends. He finally spotted them in some seats near the west entrance, the one nearest to the main desk, and began walking towards them. Ariel was the first to spot him, standing up as soon as she saw him, putting her hands on his shoulders and looking him up and down.

“Are you okay? Do you need stitches?” She was asking questions rapid fire style, trying to get some information out of Zach. He loved her to death, but this was too much right now. He was so physically and emotionally drained from the day he had just had at it wasn’t even noon yet.

All he could do was shake his head and say “No,” whether that was the answer to the first, second, or both questions, neither he nor Ariel knew. He shimmied out of her grip and took a seat next to Keith who was one seat away from Ned. Ariel settled in between the two other men.

“Should we call his mom?” Ariel asked. The question sent a pang to Zach’s chest. Who the fuck was going to call Eugene’s parents? What were they even going to say to them? God, he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t. All he could imagine was having to give the call to Eugene’s mother, telling her that her son didn’t make it. Or even worse, receiving that call.

“I can’t,” Zach whispered. This caused Keith to look up at him from having his head down in his hand. His eyes were empathetic, but not in a way that he felt bad for Zach. It was a way that said he felt the same more than words could. Keith put his hand on the man’s shoulder for a second before taking a deep breath and running his hands down his face, removing his glasses in the process.

“Does anyone actually know how to get a hold of her?” Ariel looked at the three. None of them had ever even talked to her unless it was for a video, so needless to say, they had no way of contacting her without Eugene. Ariel sighed.

“What are we going to do?” These were the first words any of them had heard Keith speak since they found Eugene. Zach just shook his head as Ned murmured a small I don’t know. “I mean, what are we going to tell the fans? Do we just go MIA for a bit or should we say something?”

“We can’t say anything about this until we talk to Eugene… He probably doesn’t want this getting out, you know…” Zach kept his voice quiet, but didn’t make any significant effort to make sure any one specifically heard him. But he saw Keith nod, nonetheless.

“Maybe we could just put a tweet together saying we’re gonna be gone for a bit. We can keep it vague for now and later, if Eugene’s okay with it, we could talk about _it,_ ” Ned suggested.

“What about everyone else who works there?” Ariel reminded them of their other employees that they’ve seemed to forgotten while being in this situation.

“They could probably keep working on stuff… Maybe like keeping the social medias up or something, I don’t know,” Ned huffed, putting his head in his hand and rubbing his temples with his thumb and middle finger. There was a bit of an unspoken agreement to not really plan anything right now considering they probably weren’t thinking straight and one of the four members was, for all they knew, still unconscious.

“Should we go get some of Eugene’s stuff to bring here?” Zach looked at the three people next to him, “Like his phone and maybe some clothes?”

“Probably…” Ned brought his hand away from his face, “How long do you think he’ll be here?”

“No idea,” Zach’s look to his friends turned numb and suddenly he was staring through them instead of at them. What if the hospital decided to keep him here? What if he’s in a coma? Will he have to go to the psych ward? Was it intentional? _Was it intentional?_ The sickness in Zach’s stomach was coming back. Quickly, he searched around the room for a restroom. Luckily there was one in between in west and south lobby entrances. Without a word, he stood and made his feet go as fast as they could without running or literally vomiting on the floor.

The bathroom was a single stall, thank god. He closed and locked the door behind him, practically jumping towards the toilet in order to actually make it there in time. He honestly didn’t know how he could still be throwing up, but toward the end, it was mostly just heaving without any actual vomit; which was almost worse than actual vomiting. It burned his nose and throat, having no substance other than yellow acidy fluid. He felt water form at his eyes, but he didn’t feel like crying. At this point, his body could just be trying to rid him of whatever feeling it is he has, but it doesn’t know how.

He coughed and spit, yet again, into the toilet, trying his best to stop, but being unable to. There was an unexpected knock at the door that made him jump back a little, almost causing him to fall on the floor.

“Zach? Are you okay?” Ned was on the other side of the door and, by god, if another person asked him if he was okay…

“Yes!” his voice was scratchy and not his, he attempted to clear his throat but he wasn’t sure it really helped.

“Do you want to open the door?” No, but what choice did he really have. It’s not like he could just say no. When he straightens himself up, there were dots in his vision and a strong wooziness in his head. He had to grip the toilet paper holder and the grab bar in order to keep from falling. “Zach?”

He pulled himself straighter and tried to blink away the dots and the tears before reaching for the door handle and just unlocking it, hoping that the sound of the click would be enough for Ned to take a hint. And he did; the door cracked open slowly and Ned peaked in before fully exposing Zach to him, and possibly the rest of the waiting room. But neither of them cared, nor did they think anyone else cared enough to look in their direction anyway.

Ned saw the way Zach was holding himself up against the bar and his eyes went to a level of sad Zach had never seen before. Maybe it was pity, or maybe it was concern. Either way, Zach didn’t care. He leaned forward as Ned walked toward him and his head crashed into Ned’s chest. Ned, being the loving fatherly figure he is, wrapped his arms tightly around Zach and rubbed his back a bit, not caring if Zach’s tears or left-over vomit got on his shirt.

“It’s gonna be okay…” Ned whispered as he held Zach close.

“I should’ve done more,” Zach’s voice was still rough and throaty, but he was unsure if Ned could even hear him anyway. But as soon as the words left his mouth, Ned’s hands stopped against his back.

“What did you just say?” He pulled Zach away, placing his hands on his shoulders. Zach wiped at his eyes quickly, not wanting the other man to see him cry.

“I– I should’ve done something sooner… I knew there was something wrong and I just let it happen… I shouldn’t have let it happen…” Zach’s voice cracked at the last sentence. God, why was he so emotional. It’s not like Eugene is actually dead. Yet. Oh, god.

“No, Zach, no. This is not your fault!” Ned was loud in a way that was still incredibly private, “You did not do this. It isn’t your responsibility to look after Eugene all the time, okay? It’s not your fault. It’s not my fault, and it’s not Keith’s fault. We did what we could and that’s all that matters.”

But, to Zach, that wasn’t all that mattered. Eugene was in some hospital bed yards away from them and he could be in a fucking coma. He could be _dead._ That’s what matters. What they did doesn’t matter. It’s what they didn’t do and now Eugene could’ve _died._ That’s what matters. All he could do was shake his head. He wanted to say a million things, but he was afraid that if he said one word, he would become weak. He wasn’t about to have a break down in a fucking hospital waiting room bathroom.

“It’s okay, I promise…” Ned sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than Zach as he pulled him closer again and took a deep breath. “Do you want to come sit down or do you want to go with me and Ariel to get Eugene’s stuff?”

There was the feeling again. He honestly didn’t want to see Eugene’s house again just because the last thing he saw there was Eugene’s nearly lifeless, bloody body and that wasn’t an image he wanted in his brain ever again. But he also wanted to go to see if he could find anything. Like the pills he took or maybe if he had anymore or if he had any other drugs. Or maybe if he could find anymore cigarettes. He wanted to know if he was right from the beginning or if this was just a mistake. He wanted answers, but he didn’t want to go behind Eugene’s back either. Was it wrong for him to want to investigate while the man was unable to have a say in what Zach knows or doesn’t know? Was it wrong that he thought the only way he would be able to ever really know was if he snooped around his house? What if they relocate him while they’re gone? He promised he would be there as soon as he was allowed to. Not that he promised anyone in particular, but he promised himself and he would’ve promised Eugene if he had been awake. He didn’t want to not be there for him.

“I’ll stay…” He backed away from Ned’s grasp and flushed the toilet before going to wash his hands, “If they move him, someone needs to be here.”

“Keith is staying, so if you want to go–,”

“No. I have to be here,” He stopped Ned mid-sentence. He didn’t know if it was more or less weird that he insisted on staying, but he wasn’t about to explain why so he just decided to walk past Ned and into the waiting room.

He met Ariel, who was standing near the south entrance, probably waiting for Ned, “Are you going with us?”

Zach shook his head and continued walking past to Keith, who was still sitting in the same chair, staring off into space like it was the most interesting thing he’d ever seen. When Zach sat in the chair next him, he asked if Becky knew about anything.

“No… I–um– I didn’t want to stress her out earlier. You know how she is…” He half smiled at the last sentence and his fiddled his thumbs. Zach just kinda bobbed his head as if that would be a valid response. Keith looked at him, “You know she loves all you guys, right? Like, she really cares about all of us.”

“Yeah… I know,” Zach quietly breathed.

“Something about you guys being important to me, so you’re important to her… She’s so empathetic…” Keith’s voice cracked a bit as he muttered the word important. He was really pulling on Zach’s heartstrings right now. He hadn’t even stopped to think about how the other guys would be feeling, he’s been so concerned with Eugene. Wow, he was such a bad friend. He literally has only been caring about Eugene when Keith is sitting next to him with an expression he’s never seen before saying close to nothing. For Christ sake, he literally had to watch Zach gag Eugene until he threw up. That can’t have been too good for a person’s state of mind. Plus, he was the first to see the pills. Who knows what has been going through his brain.

“Keith?” Zach looked up to see Keith was back to staring at his thumbs. He hummed in response, not lifting his head to look at the other man. “I’m sorry…”

Keith snorted a little, “What for?”

“I’ve been so focused on Eugene and… I just–,” He closed his eyes in a flinching way, cringing at what he was failing to say, “I can’t imagine how you’re feeling. Especially after seeing… I’m sorry,” now Zach was looking at his thumbs. He didn’t necessarily want to talk about what happened, but it wasn’t like he could ignore it either.

“It’s okay… You didn’t do anything.”

“Exactly…”

“That’s not what I mean,” suddenly, Keith felt inclined to look at Zach after this comment. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I know,” Zach’s voice was barely audible. How did he manage to turn everything back to being about himself? He really didn’t want to talk about this, though. He was so conflicted. Keith wrapped his arm around Zach and Zach rested his head on his shoulder. It was weird being this affectionate while being off camera but it was something he needed. He knew Eugene needed it, too though. “You should probably call Becky. She needs to know where you are.”

“I will in a bit… I’m sure she’s working now, I don’t want to bother her,” Keith leaned his head on Zach’s. They stayed like this for a bit, in silence. They didn’t say anything and they didn’t move. It was a calm after the storm that they both desperately needed. Zach was sure they probably looked weird but he couldn’t find enough energy in him to care. He was with one of his best friends and that was all that mattered.

They were able to stay like that for probably thirty minutes until a woman standing near the front desk called Zach’s name. Both Keith and Zach’s head snapped up at the sound of his full name being called. Zach glanced at Keith with a concerned look before standing and heading toward the woman.

“Hi, Zach?” she was holding a clipboard with hopefully some information on Eugene.

“Hey?” He sounded confused as he stood in front of her anticipating.

“Are you with Mr. Eugene Lee Yang?”

“Yeah, is everything alright?” He had a bit of anxiety due to the mention of Eugene’s name. It seemed too formal and unnatural sounding in this setting.

“Yes. If you would come with me, I will lead you to a room he is in.” she motioned for him to follow and began walking down the west hall, toward the main elevators. “It was told to me by the doctor that greeted you and the EMT’s that you were the only exception to the relative rule, so if either you or Mr. Yang have any visitors, they will need to stay in the waiting room. We have a separate waiting room for those on floor five, which is where Mr. Yang is located, so they are welcome to stay in there as well.” Zach gave a small okay as they stepped onto the elevator together. “It says that we were able to pump Eugene’s stomach, but considering the amount of time in between the initial overdose and the arrival at the hospital, we were not able to remove all of the contents that had already disgusted. He has also had stitches put into his left hand so, please refrain from touching that arm,” they stepped out of the elevator at level five and he followed her down a long hallway marked _Intensive Care Unit_. “Before you enter you will need to put on a different shirt. I brought an extra UCLA shirt from the gift shop downstairs. There’s a bathroom around the corner you can change in.”

Zach took the shirt from her and entered the bathroom, changing as quick as possible before rejoining her in the hall. She took the shirt from him and put in on a basket cart full of dirty sheets and clothes.

“Unfortunately, we were unable to wake him up and it’s suspected that he is in a comatose state. We will be running more tests to see if we can pull him out. We will continue to flush his system regularly but it is speculated that he has been abusing Benzodiazepines and alcohol for months or even years. It is likely that he may have an amount of brain damage and liver damage but it is too soon to tell how much. If he doesn’t wake up within the next 96 hours, he will be moved to a more private and permanent room.”

There was so much information being spat at him in such a little time. It was hard to even take in everything she was saying. He was in a coma? In the ICU? With possible brain damage? Jesus Christ, were they trying to kill Zach? As if he wasn’t already stressed, now he probably won’t be able to function properly. “He will wake up though?”

“Hopefully, yes,” She sounded so much more casual than Zach felt. This made Zach stop in his tracks in the middle of the hallway. What the fuck does that mean? Eugene had to wake up. He had to. Could he really not wake up? God, was this a fucking dream? It all seemed too outlandish to be real. This couldn’t be happening. Not to him. Not to Eugene. Not to anyone.

“Hopefully?” He sounded broken. This day was too much.

“Yes, we’re doing everything we can to make sure your friend comes to as soon as possible but there are never any guarantees when dealing with overdose cases. Especially ones like this where excessive use has been displayed in the patient.”

Zach nodded. He didn’t want to break. He had to stay strong for Eugene’s sake. He had to keep in his tears. He had to keep in his stomach for fucks sake; there was nothing left for him to throw up so why was he so nauseous. He took a deep breath before walking again, continuing to follow the woman to Eugene’s room.

They stopped in front of door number 521. The door was shut and there was a do not disturb sign on the handle and paper in the little holder next to the number. The nurse knocked on the door before opening it slowly, revealing a doctor, thankfully not the one from before, and Eugene, who was laying still on the bed with his eyes closed.

She entered, holding the door open for Zach then shutting it behind him. The room was dim, the only light coming from the long wall lamp behind the bed. “Dr. Buchman? This is Zach Kornfeld; He arrived here with Mr. Yang in the ambulance.”

“Ah, yes. Hi, Zach. I’m Dr. Ed Buchman. I will be taking care of Eugene until he wakes up and we can transfer him to a different unit.” The doctor reached his hand out to Zach. He hesitated to take it, knowing his own hand was probably very clammy but it would be disrespectful not to. Ed had a firm grip, but it was reassuring, just like his voice. Zach appreciated that he used the word ‘when’ not ‘if’ while talking about Eugene waking up. It definitely eased Zach’s nerves a bit. “Can I ask your relation to Eugene?”

“We’re friends… and coworkers.”

“I see… We were able to gather information about your friend from the man who initially called 911; Ned Fulmer?” Everything he said sounded so formal. Zach fucking hated it. Talking about Eugene is this way with him right here felt wrong. He just wanted Eugene to wake up and say something to break his deafening silence.

“Yeah, Ned called 911 when we–um… when we found him…” Zach had to clear his throat to keep his voice from cracking.

“Okay. If it’s alright with you, I’d like to ask some questions about him so we can understand the situation better?” Zach nodded, unable to open his mouth as his vision trailed to Eugene’s comatose body. He looked dead, but the monitor next to the bed said otherwise; thought, it seemed his heart rate was exceptionally slow. He was so neatly laid in the bed. Everything about the scene was unnatural. His body was straight as a board, his arms placed next to torso like he was a wax figure. The stitches in his hand looked fake interlaced in his skin. His whole body was paler than usual. The sight was sickening. “Zach? Zach, are you with us?”

Zach snapped his head back to the doctor as sound refilled his ears, “Yes–uh, yeah… I’m good. What was the question?”

“Can we ask you some questions about Eugene?”

“Um, yeah… That’s fine…”

“Okay, good. Would you like to sit down?” Dr. Buchman put his hand on Zach’s shoulder and his first reaction was to flinch. Sensing the immediate discomfort, the doctor removed his hand.

“Could I? Please?”

“Of course…” He moved to the single recliner chair in the room that was there for the relatives of patients, “Take a seat.”

Zach did as he was told, gently lowering himself down into the chair. If he would’ve stayed standing, he was confident he could’ve passed out.

“Could you start by confirming the patient’s name and date of birth for me please?”

            “Eugene Lee Yang. January 18, 1986,” Zach recited effortlessly. He was expecting a lot of this to be information he knew like the back of his hand.

            “Does he have any living immediate family?”

            “Yes, his mother, father and his two sisters,”

            “Do any of them live in the state of California?” The doctor continued writing words down on the clipboard in his hand. Zach almost felt like he was being interrogated.

            “Not that I know of,” Eugene never talked about his family so this was going to be the most difficult information to obtain without him being awake. Except, of course, why he did what he did, but Zach didn’t want to think about that.

            “Is there any way to contact any of these family members?”

            “Probably… Ned Fulmer and his wife were going to his house to get his phone and some stuff for him so we could probably find all a way to call them when they get here with his phone,” Zach rested his head in his hand that was being propped up by the arm rest. His head hurt so bad.

            “When they arrive with his stuff, could you be responsible for alerting his family about the incident?”

            “I–,” how do you tell the doctor that you can’t physically bring yourself to tell Eugene’s parents what happened to him? How do you say that the last time you talked about it, you vomited stomach acid into the lobby’s toilet? “Yes, either me or Ned will do it.”

            “Perfect. Are you aware of any pre-existing conditions, illnesses, or allergies we would need to be aware of?”

            Does alcoholism count as an illness? What about mental illness? “No, none physically…”

            “May I ask what you mean by ‘physically’?” The doctor furrowed his brows at Zach, but it was manufactured.

            “Well, uh, Eugene… He drinks. A lot…” Zach gulped, “We’ve never really payed much attention to it until recently…”

            “We’ve?”

            “Yeah; me, Ned and another guy, Keith Habersberger. We just started a business together, but we worked together for years before that at Buzzfeed.” Zach explained. Something about talking so professionally about their relationship was unsettling but he didn’t know how else to explain that they’ve literally spent years doing things together that most friends never do.

            “Alright,” Dr. Buchman wrote something down on the clipboard, “When you say he drinks ‘a lot’, how much are you implying?”

            “He drinks more than anyone I know… It takes him like eight or nine regular drinks to just get fairly drunk,” He felt like he was betraying Eugene by telling the doctor all this information. “I think he drinks almost every day, but I haven’t seen him as much over the last few weeks…”

            “But you work together? In the same office, I assume?”

            “Yeah, but he’s been missing a lot of work. He only comes in a few times a week, if that,” He took a glimpse toward Eugene’s body but quickly looked away.

            “Could you give me a more specific time frame than ‘a few weeks’, please?” the doctor flipped the top paper over to reveal a paper full of words that Zach couldn’t see from his place in the chair.

            “I–I don’t know… Maybe three weeks or so?” He was concerned that there was going to be some kind of information that was on the piece of paper that would make this all make sense, but he didn’t want to hear anything about Eugene from this doctor. He wanted to hear it from Eugene.

            “I see…” The doctor started, “Have you known about any past prescription drug use in relation to Eugene?”

            “No?” Zach was quick to answer, part of him not wanting to fully expose Eugene by telling the doctor his suspicions. But the doctor was just here to help, right? Eugene won’t be in any trouble? “But, um… the other day, Eugene came into work and I think he might’ve been high? But not the marijuana type of high, you know?”

            Dr. Buchman nodded, “Were you aware that Eugene has been prescribed Xanax for at least two years?”

            Zach was taken aback. He knew he saw a pill bottle in Eugene’s sink when they found him, but he didn’t think they could actually have been his. He’s never even given the slightest hint that his friend would be using antidepressants, even if they were prescribed by a doctor. “I had no idea…”

            “When I looked at Eugene’s record, sometime around last year there was an attempt to up the dosage that was requested by the patient, and for a brief time of about two months, a higher number of refills. But the number of refills soon decreased on orders of the doctor. Around four months later, Eugene seemed to switch to a different doctor but was prescribed the same medication. Starting again last month, there was a significant increase to the number of times Eugene called to refill his prescription; it was a little over twice the amount it should’ve been. Though, this was an incredibly higher number of refills compared to the last spike of increase. Are you aware of the possible side effects and risks of excessive Xanax misuse? Especially when mixing with alcohol?”

            Jesus H fucking Christ. The more he ended up knowing, the less he wishes he knew. Zach didn’t necessarily know the full effects of Xanax abuse, but he had a pretty good idea. Plus, if anyone said anything else about the terrible things that could happen to Eugene, he might just have a breakdown right here in this room. Instead of asking for details, he just nodded.

            “When he wakes up, and we make sure he’s as healthy as he can be, we will perform a mandatory mental health assessment. Based on the results of that test, Eugene will either be sent to our psychiatric ward or our rehabilitation center. There is a high chance that regardless of the outcome of the test, he will be required to attend a minimum of one week in the rehabilitation center. We are required by law to assign mandatory rehab to adults who overdose on any substance; but I, as well as our behavioral health doctor, will be the ones to assign the length of time that is spent either in rehab or in the psych ward.”

            “Wait, you mean you’re going to admit him?” Zach was stunned at what Dr. Buchman had said. He had heard of people going to psych wards and rehab before, obviously, but not Eugene. He’s heard horror stories about people coming back worse than how they started. And they’re all alone. Hell, sometimes they aren’t even allowed visitors, even if it’s family. Eugene couldn’t do that. What if it makes him worse. What if he changes in a bad way. He wants the old Eugene back, not an altered version of him. What the fuck has Eugene done? What will this do to the company? How will they make videos when he’s stuck in the fucking loony bin? How long would it even be before he wakes up? What the fuck would they even say to the viewers without completely exposing Eugene? Goddammit, Eugene, what the hell did you do?

            “I’m afraid I have no other choice due to the circumstances and laws put in place for these kinds of situations,” the doctor tried to sound sympathetic but it was bullshit and he knew it. All he could do was shake his head. His legs moved before he could even think and he walked straight out of the room and into the hall. He wasn’t sure where he was going, but he knew he was getting out of there. He couldn’t stand to see Eugene’s body or that doctors face. He couldn’t answer any more questions and he couldn’t receive any more information. Everything was too overwhelming. This whole day was breaking him into a million pieces.

            He walked and walked, until suddenly he was in the emergency stairwell. The whole room was dull and concrete but it was better than the overly sanitized white walls behind the door his back was now against. God, he wishes he could scream. He wishes he could punch something. He wishes he could talk to Eugene. Or yell at him. Or hug him. This was all Eugene’s fault but at the same time, it wasn’t.

            “Fuck!” Zach’s scream echoed in the stairwell as lurched toward the metal stair railing and slammed his fist into it. Pain surged through his hand but he could barely register it. There was no way he would tell anyone about that because he definitely wasn’t about to sit with any other fucking nurse, or even worse, a doctor to get his fucking hand fixed. Nothing about fixing his hand would fix the situation; so, until the situation was fixed, his hand will remain how it is whether it was fractured or just bruised.

            He leaned down and rested his head against the cold metal before letting a few sobs escape his lips. It was almost as if he had held in all the tears for so long that he wasn’t even in control anymore. He couldn’t stop himself from crying, even if he wanted to. But it was like the tears were held in for so long that they were all dried up. Now all it was, was just broken weeps that made his shoulders shake. He took a few steps backwards before sliding down against the concrete wall and landing on the hard floor with a thud. His knees subconsciously were pulled to his chest by his arms and he placed his head atop of them before flinching at the pressure, suddenly remembering his bandages.

            That almost made him want to cry more, even though he knew he wasn’t upset about it. He felt so sensitive and weak right now; like the slightest touch or word would make him bawl even harder. He didn’t deserve the tears that were spilling so effortlessly from his eyes. He didn’t deserve the bandages on his knees or any help for his hand. He didn’t deserve his other friends who were probably just as worried about him as they were Eugene. All that was meant for him was the guilt of not being able to help Eugene sooner. All he deserved was isolation, because that’s what he gave Eugene by not helping him sooner and that’s what he will be giving Eugene when he’s being sent to that awful place for insane people.


	14. breaking points

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol this is a shit show but its all good because i got so fucked up last night holla. hope this chapter doesn't suck for you guys as much as it did for me lmao peace

Ned and Ariel arrived back at the hospital after only an hour and a half, which was fairly quick considering the traffic and time it takes to get there and back. When they reentered the lobby, they spotted Keith sitting alone, seemingly overlooking their arrival. They walked up to him, but it took Ned to speak before he even realized they were right in front of him.

            “Where’s Zach?” Ned almost felt bad for this being the first thing he said, considering Keith still seemed very out of it. If not more so than before the pair had left.

            “I don’t know, he got called by a nurse then disappeared…” Keith waved his arm a bit, keeping his head rested in his other hand. His voice seemed extremely drained.

            “I’ll go see if one of the receptionists knows where he went,” Ned quickly turned in the direction of the front desk, leaving Keith and Ariel in their spots. He walked up to the first available person and asked if a Eugene Lee Yang had been placed in a room, guessing that using Zach’s name would most likely get him nowhere.

            The receptionist typed in what Ned assumed was Eugene’s name before speaking up, “Mr. Yang is located in the ICU on the fifth floor. There should be a main desk up there that will provide you with more information.”

            “Great, thank you so much,” he turned back to his wife and friend before motioning them to follow him to the main elevators. The three met there, Ned explaining that Eugene was in the ICU, which probably couldn’t mean he was in good shape. But it also meant he wasn’t dead.

“Do you think Zach is with him?” Ariel asked as they stepped onto the elevator.

“Yeah, probably…” Ned hit the button for floor five, “I can’t imagine he wouldn’t be.”

It was quiet until they heard the ding signaling their arrival. They all stepped off the elevator, but no one seemed to want to talk. Something about being in the ICU for their friend was unsettling. They didn’t belong here; none of them.

Ned was the first to step toward the main desk, Ariel and Keith following close behind him, “Hi, we’re here for Eugene Lee Yang?” Ned put on his professional voice when talking to the receptionist.

“Mr. Yang is in room 521 but is not currently cleared for visitors other than immediate family and Zach Kornfeld,” her voice was artificial, just like everyone else at this damn hospital, “Are any of you Zach Kornfeld?”

“No…” Ned said as the other shook their heads.

“Okay. If you would please take a seat in the waiting room, I will alert Dr. Buchman you are here for Eugene!” she smiled at them and continued typing on her computer, subtly signifying the conversation was now over. Ned looked at the other two before shuffling his way toward the closed off space for non-permitted visitors.

The waiting room was nearly empty, the only other person being a frail old man who sat near one of the windows in the room. The three settled in near the entrance, facing a small television mounted on the wall which was displaying the local news station.

“Should we text Zach to let him know we’re here?” Ariel suggested, keeping her voice fairly low in respect of the other man in the room.

“That’s probably a good idea…” Ned pulled out his phone quickly moving his thumbs to create a message, “I told him were in the waiting room up here and asked if he wanted to come get Eugene’s stuff to take to the room.”

As Ned was finishing his sentence, a tall man with a white coat walked through the entrance and started toward the group. He stuck his hand out to Ned, then Keith and Ariel; all of them introducing themselves individually. “You all must be with Eugene, yes?”

“Yeah, we are…” Ned answered. Next to him, Keith silently hoped Ned would take control of the conversation so he wouldn’t have to talk.

“Great! I’m Dr. Ed Buchman, I will be taking care of Eugene for the time being. I take it you all are aware of the situation that brought Eugene here?” The three nodded simultaneously. “Alright, so I’ll waste no time filling you in. When Eugene arrived at the hospital, we were able to successfully preform gastric lavage, or stomach pumping; but due to the length of time between the initial suspected overdose and arrival at the hospital, a lot of the medication that was taken had been digested already. Unfortunately, this caused Eugene to fall into a coma,” He explained all this with the same tone he used previously on Zach. But the information was still shocking, nonetheless. Ned suddenly paused and Ariel’s breath hitched. A small ‘oh god’ could be heard from Keith’s place in the room. This was most definitely not good news.

“It was told to me by Zach Kornfeld that you would be arriving with some of Eugene’s personal items such as his phone, which could be used to notify his immediate family. Is Zach here with you now?” The doctor continued; the question at the end taking them off guard.

“No? We thought he was in the room with Eugene?” Ned was the quickest to reply with their mutual understanding of where they thought Zach was.

“Yes, well, there was a bit of an event while I was explaining some more specific details to him about Eugene’s case and he ended up leaving the room obviously upset. I would think he would come back to you for comfort?” the doctor seemed presumptuous thinking Zach was with the three, but at the same time, they did the same by assuming he was with Eugene.

“We haven’t seen him since we’ve got back from getting Eugene’s stuff…” This time Ariel spoke up, sounding concerned and slightly confused.

“Have any of you attempted to contact him since arriving?” Dr. Buchman’s voice also held a bit of concern.

“I texted him before you came in…” Ned pulled his phone back out, “He hasn’t texted me back yet.”

“It would be best if you tried to find him. He seemed very distressed at the time of leaving. Is there anywhere you would think it’s likely he would have gone?”

The three looked around at each other and shook their heads, “I mean, he could just be in the bathroom?” Keith suggested.

“You’re welcome to search the halls or anywhere you think he might be, but if you decide to leave any waiting rooms or lobbies, please refrain from entering any rooms, especially those marked with hazardous or quiet signs. Do you think it’s necessary for me to assign a nurse to help you find him?”

“We should be able to find him on our own,” Ned thankfully declined the offer of a nurse.

“Alright. I would be happy to take Eugene’s belongings back to his room for when he wakes up. Please keep his phone to access his family’s contact information,” The doctor reached out and grabbed the bag Ariel was holding as she let out a small thank you. “If you need any help, the receptionists will be more than happy to.”

And with that, Dr. Buchman left Ned, Ariel, and Keith in the waiting room, still confused on where their other friend would be.

“Should we go find him?” Keith turned to the other two. Ned immediately nodded.

“Ned, you go check the bathroom,” Ariel ordered, “Me and Keith will look around the halls. Call us if you find him.”

Ned agreed as he stood and left the room, Ariel standing up as well, “Try calling him. He might just be wondering around or something.”

The pair left the waiting room, nearly following Ned but turning the other direction. Only after a few steps did Keith pull the phone away from his ear, “He didn’t answer…” Keith’s voice sounded concerned and weary.

“Shit…” she whispered, “Try him again in a few minutes if Ned doesn’t call. There’s no way he doesn’t have his phone.”

They continued walking, peering around corners and objects like they were children playing a game of hide and seek. It was when Keith suddenly stopped in front of the closed door marked 521 that Ariel remembered why they were here in the first place. It was tempting not to open the door but they both knew it would be wrong of them to do so. Plus, Keith wasn’t sure if he could handle seeing Eugene’s comatose body.

Ariel placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah…” Keith swallowed hard and nodded, turning to continue walking, “Yeah, I’m good.” But something about imagining Eugene in a coma behind that door put a disconcerting feeling in the pit of his stomach. They should be at the office, brainstorming new video ideas. Instead they were at the hospital looking for a likely distressed Zach while wishing for the best for Eugene.

“Are you sure?” Ariel followed him as he continued on the search for Zach.

Keith just hummed in attest, “Has Ned called yet?”

Ariel shook her head, trying her best to keep up with Keith’s quickening pace. Keith dialed Zach yet again as they came to a stop at the end of the straight hallway; two different turns faced them.

“I’ll go left. You go right,” Ariel demanded, “If I can’t find him, I’ll text you and go back to the waiting room, okay?”

Keith nodded, his feet carrying him further away from her and down the length of the similar looking hall. He held his phone up to his ear as the ring back tone sounded, Zach still not picking up, and was annoyed when Zach’s automated voicemail played. He cursed under his breath as he hung up his phone and shoved it in his pocket. It was already bad enough that Eugene was pretty much unreachable, but now Zach. It was like they were falling apart and Keith didn’t know how to hold them together. Over the last few weeks, he’s seen Zach worry endlessly day in and day out about Eugene, and he was finally pushed over the edge. It’s like he’s lost two friends in one day. He was mad at himself for being so out of it since they found Eugene, but it was hard not to feel his mind go numb when remembering what Eugene’s body looked like against Zach’s as he was being forced to throw up. His stomach twisted just thinking about it.

Eugene looked so _dead_ when they found him. All Keith could do in that moment was freeze in fear. What if Eugene had actually been dead? Had Zach not acted so quickly, this situation could’ve gone in a whole different direction. He just wished he wasn’t so useless. Maybe that’s why he wanted to be the one to find Zach; but he would never say that to Ned or Ariel. He felt like everyone had done something to help, except him. All he has been able to do was stand around absentmindedly. Hell, most of his time spent at the hospital has been him zoning out; it would be a miracle if he even knew the stuff that was going through his head. It was almost as if he wasn’t even himself from the moment he stepped into that bathroom just hours ago. Seeing Zach’s body next to Eugene unconscious one flipped a switch in his brain that made him feel like he was watching his life through a TV screen, and he hasn’t been able to flip the switch since.

He was at the end of the hallway before his brain could process it. Hopefully Zach wasn’t anywhere in the hall he just mindlessly walked through because he couldn’t tell you a single thing he saw during the whole walk. There was a large window at this end, displaying the city from a rather low angle. Tall buildings stretched as far as Keith’s eye could see. He felt so small in comparison.

He had to mentally kick himself to look around. To his left there was another door that he assumed belonged to a patient; to his right was the emergency stair exit. Keith stood for what felt like a second to him but could’ve easily been closer to a minute, just staring at the sign that was marked on the metal door. He wondered if maybe an alarm would sound if he opened it, like in a lot of buildings with fire exits. But unlike others, this one didn’t clearly state the warning of alarms. He checked his phone again, just in case he had received any texts or calls from either Ned, Ariel, or even Zach. But there was still nothing.

Placing his hands on the panic bar of the door, he pushed forward, revealing a very concrete room with very industrial lights. He began walking forward, nearly reaching the first set of downward steps when sniffling distracted him. He whipped his head around to see Zach curled up in a ball, leaning against a set of exposed pipes.

“Zach?” he stepped toward the man on the ground, kneeling before him. Zach raised his head, his glasses resting on the end of his nose and tears clumping his eyelashes. There were streaks staining his face from where water had flowed repeatedly. “Zach, we’ve been looking for you… are you okay?”

The smaller man shook his head and more tears threatened to fall from the brims of his eyes. Keith moved closer to him, almost sitting on the same floor opposite him. He placed his hands on Zach’s arms and gently pulled him closer, avoiding touching the slightly blood stained bandages on his knees. Zach accepted the movement, inching his body closer to Keith’s. Once Zach was finally close enough, Keith wrapped his long arms around him and held him tightly. They didn’t say any words, but it was like they could hear each other’s thoughts. They didn’t need to say anything to know that they were both not okay. It was the mutual silence that spoke volumes.

Keith held Zach numbly as tears spilled from Zach’s eyes. Keith didn’t know why he still felt so distant, even when being so close to his best friend. It made him feel depersonalized. He still felt like he needed to comfort Zach, but he couldn’t feel the same for himself. He was just there. He was there for Zach. But no one else. Because he couldn’t focus on anyone else at the moment. Only Zach, but even then, the man in his arms was almost too much as well. Keith stayed quiet nevertheless, knowing where he needed to be and what he needed to do even if his mind told him otherwise.

Zach tears finally faded after a while and the small sniffles seemed to cease, “They’re going to put him in a psych ward…” he whispered.

 “Really?” Keith had to force himself to sound shocked. It was important information, not good information, but he still didn’t feel any particular emotion when Zach said the words. What the fuck was wrong with him?

Zach nodded his head against Keith’s chest, “Either that or rehab… maybe both.”

“Wow…” he knew his voice sounded distant, but he couldn’t help it. It really wasn’t good news at all. But, to Keith, he’d rather have Eugene alive in a mental hospital than dead in a grave.

Zach hummed, “Did Ned and Ariel come back?”

It was odd that he phrased the question like that, but Keith couldn’t care to give any extra thought into anything, “Yeah, they’ve been back for a while… We were all looking for you.”

“Oh…” Zach pulled his head away and wiped his eyes clean of any spare tears or crust, “Sorry.”

“It’s okay…” Keith stood, holding his hand out to help Zach up. As Zach stood, he held onto Keith one more time, tightly reaching his arms around Keith’s torso. And Keith reciprocated the hug only because he knew he needed to, for both Zach and his sake. Whatever he was feeling, or not feeling, needed to leave soon because he has friends he needs to care about. He can’t be focused on himself. At least not right now. “Do you want to go back to the waiting room?”

Zach nodded yet again and Keith led them both out of the stairwell and into the hallway. The smell of deep sanitization and the blinding of the white walls hitting them both hard. In a way, Keith was relieved; at least he could still smell and see like normal and it was only his emotions that were fucking him up. Whether that was a good thing or not, he didn’t know.

He started walking first, keeping his hand on Zach’s upper back almost as if to keep himself there. He was sure Zach probably thought he was doing it for him, but it was definitely more for himself. They walked and kept walking, but Keith couldn’t tell you which one of his feet was stepping on the ground. Keith could’ve had his glasses off this whole time but it would still look the same to him.

When he missed the turn down the hallway that passed Eugene’s room and led to the waiting room Zach spoke up, “Keith, we need to go this way.”

Keith looked down at his hand, which was no longer placed on Zach’s back and at Zach, who was now feet away from him, standing at the designated turn. “Oh. Right.”

As they passed room 521, Keith could’ve swore he felt Zach hold his breath. And it made him anxious. He could’ve even tripped over his own feet had he been in more control, but his senseless mind kept him upright. Zach’s arm brushed up against his as his gaze locked onto the door, inadvertently causing him to walk closer to Keith. There was a weird feeling in the air for the rest of the time they walked down the hall. Keith wondered what was going through Zach’s head. Does he want to go back in the room? After all, he’s the only one that was allowed.

The closer they got to the waiting room, the clearer Keith could see Ned pacing between the entrance, front desk, and elevators. He seemed to be talking, but there was no voice that Keith could hear. He glanced toward Zach who seemed to have an expression that encompassed the way Keith felt. In a way, it would be relieving if Zach was feeling the same as him so he knew it was weird. But maybe it’s still weird regardless. They were a few feet from Ned when Keith heard a few snippets of Ned’s voice. Out of the few words he heard, Eugene and hospital were a few. He must be talking to Eugene’s mom, Keith thought. Sure enough, when he focused his eyes, he saw that the phone that was pressed against Ned’s ear was indeed Eugene’s and not his own. He felt bad that Ned was the one who was tasked with that, and as much as wanted to do something, that was not at the top of the list of things he was willing to do.

Keith made eye contact with Ned, trying his best to give an apologetic look before following Zach into the waiting room. He really hoped his face did what his brain told him to do because he was getting tired of the whole absent feeling that has encased his body the last few hours. Ariel greets them when they arrive.

“Why didn’t you tell me you found him?” Ariel had her hands on her hips like the concerned mother figure she most definitely was. Zach had passed them both, taking a seat near where some of her and Ned’s stuff still sat.

“I forgot?” Keith tried. He couldn’t actually tell anyone why he forgot to call. He can’t even tell himself. He tried to make his face hold a look of remorse but he was afraid he didn’t have enough control and it looked just as vacant as he felt.

“Are you kidding me?” her voice was dry. Keith looked around the room, which was now empty except for the three of them. He didn’t know what to say to her, but luckily she spoke before he could say something dumb or empty, “Forget it. It’s okay. Just–,” she turned to Zach, “Are you okay? Where were you?”

She sounded overly stressed. He didn’t see why, he had found Zach and Eugene was alive. What more could they ask for? Keith drooped into the chair next to Zach as he nodded and replied to Ariel, “I’m alright… I was just by the stairs. It’s fine.”

She took a deep breath and nodded, “Ned’s on the phone with Eugene’s mom… Keith, have you talked to Becky?”

He shook his head, choosing not to say anything. It was probably time that he called her. Maybe she would make him feel better.

“You should probably call her soon. I dropped Wes off with her when Zach called. I didn’t have time to say much so unless you’ve told her about the last few weeks with Eugene…” she trailed off.

Wait, she dropped Wes off with Becky? Christ, he felt bad for procrastinating calling her. She was probably so fucking confused. He was such a bad husband. He sprung to his feet, pulling his phone out of his pocket and walked in the direction of the hall before he remembered Ned was probably still out there. Fuck it, he’ll go to the bathroom. He dialed her before he was even in the bathroom and she picked up right as he was walking through the door.

“Hey, honey, is everything okay?” she said it like she knew something was wrong, but she didn’t know how bad it was yet.

“Yeah, everything’s fine,” Keith breathed, setting himself against the line of sinks. “Are you and Wes good?”

“Mm-hmm, I just fixed lunch…” He heard he sit something down through the phone, “Is Ariel with you? She seemed like she was in a hurry earlier when she dropped Wes off?”

“Yeah, she’s and Ned are both with me…” he listened to the sounds of her and Wes on the other end of the phone. How the hell does he phrase what he’s about to say? It’s almost as if, all of a sudden, it hits him; where he’s at and why he’s here. It’s all laid out in front of him like evidence of a crime. Something in his stomach does a quick flip. “Listen, we’re at the hospital…”

“What?! What happened?” She instantly was surprised, which Keith expected.

“We’re okay, but Eugene… He’s been having a rough time recently…” Keith kicked his feet at the floor. What the fuck was this feeling in his stomach? He could throw up. God, was this what Zach felt like?

“Keith. What happened?” Her voice was flinty.

“He had a bit of an accident…” his stomach twisted harder. “Well, we’re hoping it was an accident…” That was something he didn’t think either of the other guys or Ariel would say. There was a good chance that this wasn’t an accident, but he might be the only one to admit that.

“Keith,” she whispered lightly. Keith could still hear Wes in the background.

“He overdosed…” He whispered back. He refused to let his voice crack but at the same time it felt better to be feeling something. Even though what he feeling wasn’t good, it was still a bit of a relief to have some sort of emotional residing in him.

“Jesus Christ, on purpose?”

“We don’t know…” his voice shook, but he didn’t feel like crying.

“Is he okay now?” this made Keith heart drop a little in his chest. Again, something that was just now hitting him, Eugene might not actually be okay. Eugene might not actually make it. Eugene could have brain damage. Eugene could have liver damage. If he wakes up, he might never be able to drink again. He might have to go to AA meetings. He might not be able to come back to work, even if he wants to. He could die in that hospital bed. But there was no way, right? These doctors must have cases like this all the time there’s no way they could let him die. He must’ve taken too long to reply, because Becky was saying his name yet again, snapping him from whatever trance he was trapped in. “Is he okay?”

“I don’t know…” Keith choked out.

“What do you mean? Have you not talked to him?”

There was a punch to his gut. No, he wasn’t even allowed to see him let allow talk to him. Even if he knew he wouldn’t get a response, “No, I–I can’t. He’s, uh, he’s not awake…”

“When is he gonna wake up? Have you even seen him?” He knew Becky enough to know she was beyond worried at this point.

“I haven’t… Zach’s the only one who’s allowed to see him,” he paused. “We don’t know when he’ll wake up.”

“You mean…” she stopped herself, most likely unable to say the words, just as Keith had been moments before.

“Yeah…” It was silent on both ends after that. Keith could hear himself breathing and it was masking the sounds of Becky and Wes. He should probably say something, but his voice wasn’t working anymore.

“What did he take?” she was quiet, her voice switching from stressing to calm. She probably sensed Keith’s mild distress over the phone.

“I’m not sure. I didn’t get a good enough look at the bottle…” he stared at his feet like they were suddenly the most interest thing he’d ever seen. It was as if everything he hadn’t been feeling over the last few hours suddenly came together and rammed him in the chest. But even now, it still seemed dull.

“Oh my god… Baby… Are you okay?” She said it like he was the one in the hospital bed, which almost made him angry until he remembered that it was okay for him to also be cared for. Just because someone cares for him, doesn’t mean they care any less about the other person.

“I’m fine, I just– I wish I would’ve helped… I didn’t do anything. When we found him, I didn’t do _anything_. I just froze! I fucking froze!” He stood up straight and began pacing.

“Hey– it’s okay. Just calm down,” he wasn’t sure he could calm down, but Becky’s voice helped, “You’re there for him now. That’s all that matters, okay?”

A sigh escaped his lips, sounding shakier than he felt, “Okay…”

“Do you want me to come to hospital?” damn, he voice was so reassuring. He wanted to say yes so he could see her and hear her, but she was with Wes. Who would take him if she came here?

“What about Wes? Maybe you should talk to Ariel–,”

“I’ll text her… Do _you_ want me there?” it was like she knew how much he needed her. But Keith still didn’t want to say yes. He knew she needed to be with Wes. “I’m just gonna call Ariel… I’ll be there in a little bit.”

Keith nodded before realizing she would have no way of knowing that. He whispered a small ‘okay’ instead, hoping it would suffice.

“I love you…” She was gentle. And kind.

“I love you, too,” he mumbled back. He loved her so much. All he wanted right now was to hug her and hold her. It was like what Eugene did to himself was making him worry about losing everyone else. It was so easy to take a life away. God, he hates death. She hung up the phone, leaving him in the bathroom alone. He kept the phone pressed to his ear for a few more seconds though, almost as if he was waiting for her to continue talking even though he knew she was gone.

Keith turned and looked at himself in the mirror. His face didn’t seem like his own. He looked like a stranger to himself, and he no doubt looked any different to any of his friends. He took his glasses off in an attempt to see himself without any premade feature but he looked even more strange without them. _What the fuck?_ This was his face. Why did he not even recognize his own fucking face!?

He reached his hands toward the water faucet and turn both the hot and cold on. He leaned forward and he cupped his hands and brought the luke warm water to his face, wiping his hands down his face as he did. There was water everywhere, but he couldn’t find an ounce of him that cared. All he wanted was his face to be his again, and for himself to feel something. Like really feel something, not just the halves of emotions that are dulled by whatever is blocking him. When he looked back up, he was still far away, but he was hell of a lot closer than he was just seconds before. He grabbed a few paper towels from the dispenser and dabbed at his face. He didn’t want to look blotchy, but what was the point if he didn’t even look like himself anyway. He scrubbed his face with a small amount of force before throwing the paper towels away and walking out without a second look.

The hall was empty except for a few nurses so Keith assumed Ned finished his phone call to Eugene’s mother. That cannot have been a good conversation. The guys have only ever talked to her when she came in for videos at Buzzfeed. And even that was only in passing. Ned really pulled the short straw on that.

Ned, Zach and Ariel were all sitting in the same area when Keith returned. He took the chair next to Zach and heaved, “How did the call with Eugene’s mom go?”

Ned shrugged, “It wasn’t bad… I think she was upset, but she wasn’t surprised…”

How could you not be surprised at your son’s possible suicide attempt? Whether intentional or not, he still could’ve died. “What do you mean, she wasn’t surprised?”

“I don’t know, like when I said it she didn’t really say anything that would make you think she was shocked. She just sounded sad or maybe disappointed?”

“You don’t think he’s done this before, do you?” Zach piped up. Keith shook his head.

“No? We’ve never talked about anything like this… Have you guys?” Ned replied. The other three looked at each other with a mutual agreement that no, in fact, none of them have ever talked about overdosing on pills. Sure, they’ve talked about depression and maybe even suicide, but never in a sense that any of them would actually do it, or wanted to for that matter. They all had gone through a least a little bit of a rough patch before so it wasn’t a completely untouchable subject. Hell, they all knew about how rough Eugene’s life had been before they started working together, so why would he try to hide these things from them? None of this made any sense to any of them.

They all sat there, letting the silence wash over them. Keith swore, if someone walked into the room they would probably feel the confusion radiating off the four of them. He wished Eugene would’ve opened up to someone before resorting to this. Whether or not he meant to do it, he still did. And if he was capable of doing it, what’s to stop him from meaning it? There were so many questions left unanswered and Keith hated it. He hated not knowing what was going on. He hated not being at least somewhat in control of the situation. He must’ve zoned out again, because when his ears began to work again, Ned and Zach seemed to be deep into conversation about Eugene’s mom and how she was going to tell his sisters. Ned talked about how she wouldn’t be able to come see him, but maybe his dad could. He said that she mentioned having one of his sisters call his dad so they wouldn’t have to. But Ned said he might still call anyway, because it felt wrong not to make sure he knew.

In a way, they were all trying to find things to make them feel better about what happened. It was like since they couldn’t change the fact that they didn’t do enough to prevent it, they all wanted to do things to fix it. Even though they all knew they couldn’t, if they wanted to admit it or not. They couldn’t change what Eugene did and they couldn’t go back to help him, so the only thing they had to do now was make sure it didn’t happen again. Maybe Keith was the only one having this revelation, but he wasn’t about to be the one to propose it to the group. He knew how defensive Ned and Zach would get if he accused them of just wanting to help because they felt guilty. Obviously, they all really did want to help because Eugene was like family to each one of them, but that didn’t mean the feeling wasn’t enhanced by his actions that they failed to prevent initially.

He was drifting again, but this time he could feel it. He could feel his insides slowly melt away as all that was left was his mind and the blank wall in front of him. There was no chair below him and no people beside him. It was just him and his thoughts. Maybe this whole situation was affecting him more than he thought it was? He knew something was wrong, but could it be because of Eugene. He wasn’t blaming the other man, but a part of him was positive that without the whole event this morning he would probably be feeling just as normal as any other day. It was surreal to be self-aware of slipping out of reality as he had been doing on and off for the last few hours. Normally, he would just skip from being there to _not_ being there, but this time it was a transition that made his fingers numb.

The whole feeling was rather foreign as well. Though he had been feeling like this the last few hours, there wasn’t another time he could pinpoint that this feeling had embodied him the way it was now. The only time he could remember that he felt even near this intensity of numbness was when he and Becky got the new that he grandfather had died. But even that wasn’t this bad and no one even died. It was almost as if the idea of losing Eugene hurt him more than anything. He wouldn’t know what to do with himself if he lost Eugene to such a preventable cause. And he knew both Zach and Ned felt the same. Especially Zach, who was particularly close to Eugene. He also knew Ned would probably never forgive himself if Eugene had succeeded. Something about having a baby made everything a little more personal for him. What if Wes has mental health issues in the future? What if he ends up being suicidal? Not that Eugene _was_ suicidal, but if he had died today, or if he dies tomorrow, they may never know how he really felt; if he meant to do what he did. Keith hated that even in his head he shied away from the words: Eugene tried to kill himself.

Then there was the whole him wanting to leave the company fiasco which, in comparison, seemed silly to even think about. A dead person can’t leave a company. It was odd to think that that text was the reason they had even found him. It was even more odd to think that it was the last text he sent before overdosing. Keith’s head probably twitched at the thought of the word but he couldn’t feel it. _Overdosed_. That’s what Eugene did. Maybe he did it because he wanted to leave the company. That would be such a fucking immature reason for wanting to die. If he wanted out of the company that bad, he could’ve just told the three of them face to face so they could talk it out like adults. But Keith found it hard to believe that would be the reason, regardless of the circumstances. He felt they were all pretty understanding. They weren’t that hard to talk to, right? After all, they had been friends for years, he would consider them friends over business partners any day; now he felt like maybe he didn’t know Eugene as well as he thought. The only thing he knew for sure was that he hadn’t been that great of a friend to Eugene, and neither had Zach or Ned. If they had been as good as they thought they were, none of them would be here at the hospital. Especially Eugene.

Suddenly the saturation of the world increased and the feeling of his feet on the ground pulled him into the reality of the hospital waiting room when he heard the sound of Becky’s voice. God, how long had he been out of it that time? He looked beside him and Zach was gone, presumably back to Eugene’s room. Becky was standing near the entrance talking to Ariel when he caught her eye and she signaled for him to come over to her. Robotically, he complied; propelling his body weight forward and forcing his back to straighten as he picked one foot up after another and stepped with the sound of his beating heart.

“Hey baby,” she reached her arms out to pull him the rest of the way to her, “How are you holding up?”

He loosely hugged her back, not having full control of his arms yet, “I’m alright.” Whether he was lying or not, he couldn’t tell you. But the automated voice in his head was in control of what he was saying. All of his thoughts were locked in a box and he was stuck with his prefabricated words as replies.

“Are you sure?” she looked up at him with knowing eyes and he tried his best to look like himself, but he was still afraid his best wasn’t enough for her. She could see through him. One of the many disadvantages to being in a lasting relationship was the fact that he couldn’t hide anything from her, regardless of if he wanted to or not. Keith hummed and nodded, which was both his best and worst attempted at being okay, but it was all he had in him.

She gave Ariel a look that probably meant something but he didn’t have enough energy to decipher it. Ariel just nodded like she knew what it meant and walked away. Jesus Christ, could women communicate telepathically? Becky grabbed onto Keith’s hand and pulled him to a private area between the bathrooms and the elevators. There was no one within ear shot. It was just him and her.

“Listen, I know you’re upset but you gotta talk to me, okay?” she sounded concerned, but not unknowing to how Keith was feeling.

“What?” he played dumb. Why he did? He didn’t know. But that was his first barrier that would prolong him from having to explain how he’s feeling.

“Keith. It’s okay to be upset about this…” the way she said his name sounded unusual. Almost like it wasn’t his name that she was speaking.

“I’m not upset,” his voice was firm and spoke with pure denial. If he was upset, it wasn’t him who should be allowed to feel upset because Eugene was the one with these problems. He was the one who needed to be helped and cared for. Not him.

“Well I am,” she looked him dead in the eye, and he was the first to look away; partially in shame but he was unsure what for. Maybe he was ashamed that he couldn’t admit to his emotions, which he’s never had problems doing before. Or maybe he was ashamed of how he was feeling; but if he was ashamed of himself for feeling this way, wouldn’t it, by connection, make him ashamed of Becky? No, he knew he wasn’t ashamed of Becky, so it must be the former. “I know you want to talk so just do it…”

Keith leaned up against the wall and Becky stood in front of him, taking his two hands in hers, rubbing the backs of his comfortingly. He rested his head back against the wall, willing himself to stay in the moment, using Becky to ground himself. Whatever had been going on the last few hours needed to stop. He needed to be here. He needed to talk to Becky. He needed to be normal by the time Eugene woke up so he could speak to his friend level headedly. He took a deep breath, “I–um, do you remember when your grandpa died…” obviously she still remembers, it wasn’t that long ago. “And when we found out, I was just kinda distant?”

“Yeah?” she traced his knuckles, keeping her touch soft but still firm enough to remind him she was there.

“I feel that… Right now,” He looked up at the ceiling to avoid her eyes yet again. Even though he knew looking at her would make him feel one hundred times better, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Not when he could easily be crying. Not when he was trying to explain that he felt both numb and like he was grieving at the same time. “Except–Except it’s so much worse…” he held his breath to save his voice from cracking. “After it happened–After I saw him… I don’t know. I just couldn’t feel anything…” His sight switched from the ceiling to the floor without him realizing. “And when I sit down… It’s like there’s hours going by in just a few minutes… Before you got here, it had only felt like ten minutes since I called you, but it takes almost an hour for you to get here… I just don’t know what’s wrong with me…”

Becky had moved closer to him, removing one of her hands from his to wipe tears off his face that he didn’t know began to flow. “It’s okay,” She whispered. “Just let it out.”

He felt like a child when she said that, but, in a way, he didn’t mind because she was there. She was right there in front of him and he was right there in front of her. He could feel the floor beneath his feet and her hands on his skin. He was there in full but now instead of numb he just felt sad. He felt sad for Eugene. He felt sad for Zach and Ned and Becky and Ariel. He even felt sad for himself. He felt sad that the world flipped for them all when it seemed to be doing so good, for most of them anyway. Even if Eugene had been struggling, the rest of them thought life was going pretty great. Part of him almost thought it unfair of Eugene to bring them all down like this; but he slapped that thought out of existence because Eugene was like family to them and if he was in pain then, by God, that meant they all deal with it together.

“I just wish I would’ve done more for him…” he leaned his forehead against hers and her hand rested on his cheek. He was sure they were being unbearably affectionate but he was just glad to be feeling his surrounds instead of just being a part of them. If Eugene would’ve seen them, he probably would’ve called them gross or something of the sort. Thinking about that made him smile through his tears, which was probably exceptionally inappropriate considering he and Becky were in the middle of an extremely serious conversation; but he couldn’t help himself to not giggle just a bit at how Eugene always scorned at the concept of love even though everyone knew he was possibly the most inwardly loving person they had met. Eugene was sometimes funny like that. God, he loved that man.

“What’re you laughing at over there, huh?” Becky’s voice was lighter, her hand tracing up and down the back of his neck while holding this half hug in place.

“I really love Eugene…” and it hit him. It hit him like a ton of bricks to the chest. Eugene could’ve been _dead_. He could still die. He overdosed. Keith had been saying all these things before, but when he said them, there was no feeling attached to the words. Now when he thought about it, it was as if every emotion sucker punched him in the gut. Before he could help it, a small sob escaped his mouth. He bit down on his bottom lip to try to prevent himself from weeping too hard but it was barely a second before he was fully crying on Becky’s shoulder. She held him tightly as she rubbed his back. She told him it would be okay. She repeated it until it was all he could hear, even if she wasn’t speaking.

He felt every emotion he had been missing the last few hours and he was letting it all out right then, too. He held Becky tightly as he cried and she held him just the same. They were there together. And everything he felt, she felt too. Just the sight of him breaking down in her arms was enough to make her heart ache. It was bad enough that she had one of her friends in a hospital bed, but to see how much it hurt Keith. She almost couldn’t take it. She was almost mad at Eugene for putting him and the other guys through this. What was he even thinking? Of course, she wants him to get better and work out whatever he has going on but there were probably other steps he could’ve taken before trying to die.

It hurt her because it hurt Keith. “It’s okay…” She whispered into his ear that was still pressed into her shoulder. “I promise…”

He nodded his head against her shoulder as she used the hand that wasn’t rubbing his back to wipe the tears from his cheeks. She slipped his glasses off and lifted his chin so she could see his face, trying her best to get him to calm down as much as possible. She held his face in her two hands made sure any remaining loose tears would be swept away before dropping down yet again.

“Do you want to go sit down?” she kept her voice low, not wanting the volume to make him any more upset. He nodded his head yet again, pulling her closer to him as he wrapped his arms fully around her and squeezed, hugging her like she was going to disappear if he ever let go. It chipped away at her heart a little more. But she still hugged back just as strongly, not wanting him to think he would lose her anytime soon. It was reassuring for him even though he knew it was irrational to think Becky would never not be a part of his life.

Pulling away, she ran her hands down his arms and interlaced her fingers in his. They shared a brief moment of eye contact before Becky was guiding him back to the waiting room so they could rejoin the other married couple. Becky made sure to keep one hand locked with Keith’s as they walked past the elevators and main desk and to the entrance of the waiting room.

Keith could feel the redness of his face and puffiness of his eyes but there was no point in trying to hide it. He was allowed to have his fair share of crying over Eugene. There was nothing wrong with that, right? He tried hard not to look for too long at Ned and Ariel as he and Becky sat in the chairs next to them, just in case they did notice. He didn’t feel like being analyzed right now. What he really wanted to do was to see Eugene, awake and smiling; a sight he hadn’t seen for quite some time. He didn’t want people to ask him questions. He didn’t want people to look at him. For the first time since before he had a large presence on the internet, he didn’t want any attention. He wanted Becky next to him and for Eugene to be alive and well. Other than that, he was content with not speaking or looking at anyone; especially not with his face looking the way it did. Of course, now he probably looked more like himself than he did before Becky showed up, or at least he hopes he does.

“Where’s Zach?” Becky leaned forward a bit to see Ned and Ariel, who were on the opposite side of Keith. Regardless of if he wanted to talk right now or not, Keith was just happy he hadn’t zoned out yet. He credits Becky for probably being the only thing keeping his head on relatively straight.

“He’s with Eugene,” Ned replied.

“Oh…” Becky gave Keith’s hand a little squeeze, like the mention of Eugene’s name would send him into another crying fit. God, he wasn’t that broken, he thought. To be fair to Becky, she had no idea anything was wrong to begin with. For her, it was just a sudden call with no details. Whereas, for the rest of the guys and Ariel, it has been weeks of watching and waiting and listening and trying. They at least had some warning as to what was happening. Keith felt bad for not explaining more, but even if he felt more like himself, he wasn’t sure if he _really_ wanted to talk about what he saw. At least not in depth. He partially felt feeble for being so incapable when it came to actually saying _it_. After all, he wasn’t the one who had to experience what either Zach or Eugene did and people see all kinds of worse shit every day. He didn’t compare to some people who have it way worse. And he hated himself for being so privileged but still mentally fragile.


	15. questions with no answers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ggonnna edit + name later bc i have to leave my house in .000002 seconds brb i shouldn't be long -- enjoy
> 
> EDIT: i literally have nothing to say here lmao but like theres a name now so whoop

When Zach woke up, there was a blanket draped across him and both of his hands were near his face. He immediately jolted upright at the sudden lack of his best friend’s hand in his. Before he could look past Eugene, there was a woman’s voice that sounded.

            “Woah, calm down. It’s okay, you just fell asleep,” her voice calmed as the sentence progressed but he could tell he probably startled her with his sudden burst of movement. When his eyes moved from the still comatose Eugene, he spotted the source of the voice changing out the IV bag.

            “What time is it?” he sounded groggy and discombobulated, which was a pretty accurate portrayal of how he was feeling.

            The woman glanced at the band on her wrist, “About a quarter after seven.”

            Shit, he thought, but the sound must’ve slipped out of his mouth because the nurse seemed make a noise of disapproval. He wasn’t sure where the other guys were or if they were even still here. No way they were all still here, right? Even if they were, at least Ariel probably left to go get Wes or something. Zach pulled out his phone and scrolled through the lengthy list of missed messages, some even from when they couldn’t find him when he broke down in the stairwell. A lot of them were from Ned. Two hours ago, he asked if Zach wanted anything for dinner. Three hours ago, he asked how Eugene was doing; he also said Ariel was leaving to check on Wes, but her and Becky would be alternating so they could stay here. Four hours ago, he offered to take him home so he could change clothes and rewrap his bloody bandages on his knees. That last message completely reminded him of his injuries that had seemed to slip his mind during his constant worry about Eugene. He lifted the blanket to reveal the bandages that were indeed bloody and quite gross, if Zach was being honest. For the betterment of himself and Eugene, it would probably be a good idea to go home and rewrap his knees and he wouldn’t mind putting on some better clothes as well. Not that the hospital provided shirt wasn’t a good look, it just wasn’t necessarily something he’d like to be seen in. But, then again, what if Eugene wakes up while he’s gone. He can’t let Eugene be alone when he wakes up. He refuses to let that happen.

            Zach stood up in a rush, moving his body way too quick. Black dots started to appear in his vision and his head was instantly woozy. He felt his feet stumble backwards as he grabbed onto the chair for support. For a second, he was almost sure he was going to pass out but after a few deep breaths he felt more okay. Apparently, he didn’t look okay because the nurse seemed to have stopped her task at hand to come around the bed to check on him.

            “Sir, are you alright?” she hovered her hand near his shoulder, not quite touching him. Which he greatly appreciated.

            Zach nodded, taking a second longer before standing, “I’m gonna go get some air…”

            “If you need any help, I’m going to be Eugene’s nurse until the late-night shift. My name is Laura,” she moved back around the bed to resume her task.

            Zach wanted to do something like introduce himself or maybe ask what she was doing to Eugene, but instead he just walked out of the room with nothing more but a little mumble of an ‘okay’. A passing thought told him to call Ned before just wandering to the waiting room to see if he was still there, but he was still extraordinarily tired. And now that he was standing, his stomach churned with both hunger and discomfort. He knew he needed food, but the thought of it made him want to vomit all over again.

            The walk to the waiting room felt long but his legs were surprisingly able to carry him the whole way there. His immediate line of vision brought him to a middle-aged woman with a little girl sleeping right beside her. Rounding the corner, he spotted Ned, Keith, and Becky in the same spots they were in before. Ned and Keith looked just as shitty as Zach felt but he was sure he was the only one of the three to get any rest. Not that it helped much.

            Becky was the first to see him walking toward them, jumping up and pulling him into a hug, “How are you?”

            He wondered how long she had been here; also, how much she knew. Had any of them be able to talk about or was he the only one having trouble? “I’m okay…”

            She gave him a look, but dismissed it anyway. “Are you hungry? We didn’t know if you wanted to eat earlier and you didn’t answer your phone. We tried to get back to the room to ask you but they wouldn’t let any of us in.”

            He felt guilty about that. Ned and Keith were just as much friends with Eugene as he was. Why was he the only one to go see him? “I don’t really know but I probably need some food…”

            They sat back down next to Ned and Keith, who said, “Well there’s some stuff around here but you might just want to just wait till you go back to your place so you can change clothes and stuff.”

            Oh right. He looked down at his knees, and knew he needed to go home, “I don’t have my car here…”

            “One of us can take you. It’s no big deal,” Ned chimed. “We all need a bit of a break anyway… It’s been a long day.”

            “I’m coming back as soon as I’m done changing, though. I don’t want to not be here when he wakes up,” Zach didn’t have to say a name for anyone to know who he was talking about. Ned nodded, standing from his seat.

            “Let’s go then, so we can get back as soon as possible,” Ned looked to Keith and to Becky, “Are you guys coming?”

            Keith hummed, standing so he was face to face with Ned and Zach but Becky kept her place in the chairs, “I’ll stay just in case anything happens.”

            “Alright, we’ll be back soon,” Ned began toward the exit and Keith leaned down and kissed Becky’s forehead before following the other two men out of the room and to the elevator. Zach propped his body against the elevator wall for support, realizing his head was beginning to feel light yet again as a slight wave of nausea washed over him. He closed his eyes and breathed heavily, attracting the attention of his two friends.

            “Zach, you good?” Keith put his hand on Zach’s arm and Ned looked at him apprehensively. Zach shook his head, unable to speak out of fear of vomiting. The moving elevator probably didn’t help much at all. “When was the last time you ate?”

            Zach shook his head again. He felt like a child who was having a fit and Ned and Keith were his parents who were desperately trying to make him feel better. Except they were grown and he’s not a child, no matter how much he may look like one. Nevertheless, he felt the elevator come to an abrupt stop, meaning that they were hopefully to the first floor.

            “Here, Zach, can you walk?” Ned had moved closer to him and wrapped his arm around the middle part of Zach’s back as Keith did the same on the other side. Zach opened his eyes as much as he could, trying to not let the light bother him too much. He picked his feet up, indicating he would at least try to walk. He felt their arms supporting him as he placed one foot in front of the other in an attempt to get to the car as fast as possible. It felt like forever. And the lights were really starting to make his head ache. He was sure they probably looked like something more serious was going on, but he really wasn’t sure how well he could walk on his own. He didn’t think he would pass out, but he definitely was feeling sick enough that he could if he exerted too much energy.

            When they made it out to the car, it was dark outside. Ned and Keith put him in the back seat and buckled him in like he was a toddler. Maybe he was just irritable, but it made him a bit mad that they did that for him. He probably would have focused on that feeling more, too, had he not been feeling so absolutely sick.

After Ned and Keith got in, Ned was the first to speak, “You need food. What do you want?”

“I don’t care,” Zach barely grumbled, pressing his head against the window and closing his eyes again.

“Have you eaten today?” Keith asked. Zach knew he had a granola bar for breakfast, but he also threw up multiple times since then. The only other food he had had was last night for dinner. Even then, he didn’t eat much because he was so nervous about Eugene. That means his last real meal was probably either lunch or breakfast yesterday.

“Not really…” Zach tried to speak loud and clear enough for them to hear him but he wasn’t too sure.

“Okay we’re getting you something plain, so you don’t barf all over my car,” Ned spoke as he pulled out of the hospital parking lot. Zach honestly think food sounded too good right now, but he knew that’s why he was feeling so shitty. He knew he needed to eat no matter how completely and utterly unappetizing it sounded. “And some water… I can’t imagine you’ve had that much to drink today either.”

Ned drove as fast as he could to get back to place on almost the opposite side of town, but regardless of the fact that it was 7:30 on a Tuesday, there was plenty of traffic to keep them moving at a steady pace. Zach just kept his head pressed against the cold window and his eyes shut tight as he focused on his breathing. He was not about to throw up in Ned’s car. He was so preoccupied with that, that by the time he heard the car turn off, they were at his house and Ned and Keith were already out of the car walking to his door to help him out. The temperature of the window definitely did help his now pounding head but his stomach was still as gooey as before. He almost tumbled out of the car when Keith opened the door, the only things stopping him being Keith and his seatbelt.

“Woah there, Zach,” Keith pressed Zach’s body back into a sitting position, “Can you get up?”

Zach opened his eyes and squinted. Even though it was dark outside, all the lights from the street were still getting to his head. He attempted a nod as he reached over and unclicked his seatbelt, trying his best to strengthen his legs to walk. It worked, but only for a second because as soon as he stood, the waviness returned, making him sway and see stars. He felt two sets of hands hit his body, helping him stay upright and continue to walk him to his front door.

“Do you have your keys?” Ned asked. Zach shook his head. He couldn’t even remember where they were. Hopefully at the office still.

“Plant,” he mumbled the reply and waved his hand toward the small potted plant beside the door. Ned left the two to retrieve the key from its hiding spot and unlock the door, soon letting them all in. It was dark in the apartment but Zach wasn’t sure if he could handle any lights. Nevertheless, Ned was flicking on lights left and right, leading Keith and Zach to the kitchen. Keith sat Zach down on a stool at the bar and turned to help Ned find whatever they were searching for. Less than a minute later, the two were next to him, sitting a plate of crackers and a glass of water in front of him.

“Here, eat some of these…” Ned motioned for Zach to take some, but he honestly didn’t want to eat anything. He was afraid it would come back up instantly. Plus, just the thought of food was enough to make him sick right now. Instead of reaching for a cracker, he grabbed the glass of water, putting it to his lips and taking a sip. He must’ve looked weak because he felt a hand grab the glass as well, assisting him in the drink and even making him drink more. “Zach, seriously. Eat one.”

The two hands put the glass down and Zach glared at Ned, picking up a cracker just as weakly and slowly as he did the water. It took him a long second to bite into it, and as soon as he did, he wasn’t sure if he felt better or worse. He sat it back down, unsure if he wanted more yet and took another drink of water. When he looked at Ned and Keith, they were both staring at him eagerly.

“Come on, dude, you need to eat so we can get back,” Keith nagged, picking up one of the crackers and holding it to Zach’s mouth. Goddamn, he looked bad enough they needed to feed him. He bit the cracker Keith was holding and swallowed hard. Keith was right, the sooner he ate, the sooner he could get back to Eugene. There was still a churn in his stomach but he needed to eat quick so he could be there when Eugene woke up. He didn’t want Eugene to wake up alone. After his sixth cracker, a small burp made him question whether or not he would be able to hold even this down, but he still continued to eat, taking sips of water in between each cracker.

Slowly but surely, he finished the plate. His stomach was less queasy and he was able to stand, but there was still a nauseous undertone that didn’t seem to quit after any food or water. He walked to his bedroom, his friends following close behind as he headed for his closet to change and pack a bag.

“Do you have the stuff to rewrap your knees?” Ned questioned.

“There should be a first aid kit in the hall closet,” Zach replied, digging in his closet for shirts and pants to put in the bag. Ned left the room but Keith stayed, taking a seat on Zach’s bed.

“Why are you packing a bag?”

“I don’t know when Eugene’s going to wake up,” Zach stuffed the clothes in, moving toward his attached bathroom to grab his toothbrush and deodorant.

“So, you’re gonna stay there with him?” Keith sounded confused but Zach nodded, grabbing his phone charger. “Did you ask the doctor if that’s okay?”

“No but I’m not gonna let Eugene wake up alone. I don’t care what the doctor says.” Ned walked in the door just as Zach was finishing his sentence.

“Wait, what?” he said, setting the first aid kit on Zach’s desk. “You’re staying with him?”

“I mean, yeah… He doesn’t have anyone else to be there for him…” Zach was confused as to why they weren’t seeming to understand. “You guys don’t have to stay because you have families and stuff but I’m not gonna let him be there by himself.”

“Okay… I just want to make sure you’re taking care of yourself, too,” Ned motioned to Zach’s knees, “For Christ sake, you also got hurt today. Plus, you forgot to eat? I don’t want that to be a daily thing.”

“I’m fine, okay?” Zach was back to his closet, pulling out a comfortable t-shirt and sweat pants to wear back. “Eugene’s the one in the hospital, not me.”

“Still, that doesn’t mean you get to completely let yourself go,” Ned continued.

“I’m not letting myself go. I just don’t think I’m necessarily the priority right now,” Zach changed shirts and sat on the bed, grabbing the first aid kit and opening it to reveal all of the emergency medical supplies.

“You matter just as much as Eugene, Zach,” Keith put his hand on Zach’s shoulder.

“No, because if I mattered as much as you say, Eugene wouldn’t be in that fucking hospital bed right now!” He yelled without meaning to, moving his shoulder out from underneath Keith’s touch. He wasn’t even sure if he meant what he said because the words came out of his mouth before he even knew what he was saying.

Ned sat on the other side of Zach, “It’s not your fault, Zach.”

“I know– I just,” Zach took a deep breath and closed his eyes for what felt like the hundredth time today, “Did you know he took antidepressants?”

“What?” both Keith and Ned said in unison.

“Yeah… He took Xanax, and apparently last month he upped his dosage and started getting an unusual number of refills…” He looked at both his friends, “That wasn’t the first time he’d done that either. Sometime last year or something, I don’t know.” He sighed.

“Shit…” Keith whispered. Ned stayed quiet.

“You’re not supposed to drink with that medicine either… I guess we really don’t know him like we thought,” Zach fiddled with the wrap from the first aid kit.

“I guess not,” Ned looked at his feet.

“They’re probably gonna admit him… and make him go to rehab,” Zach looked at Ned then at Keith, who already knew this.

“He’s that bad?” Ned looked at Zach who just nodded. They were all disappointed at the secrets Eugene had been keeping, but Zach couldn’t tell who was more upset. He knew it wasn’t a contest but he felt pretty fucking terrible about the whole thing. Zach started to take off the old bandages around his knees, revealing the cuts and now slight bruises that were beginning to surface.

“I just wish he would fucking talk to us! To someone!” Ned stood up and threw his arms into the air, obviously agitated. “I mean, does he not trust us or what? We’ve all been friends for how long? Jesus Christ, we even knew something was wrong but all he tried to do was get away? Are we just shitty friends to him?” Ned looked as if he was seconds away from tears, which was fair because neither Zach nor Keith had seen him get emotional all day. It was his turn to be upset, and rightfully so.

            “We did as much as we could, Ned,” Keith tried to reason with him, but even he wasn’t sure if he believed his own words; having had the same doubts himself earlier in the day.

            “But obviously, we didn’t or else we wouldn’t be having to stay at the fucking hospital for him!” Ned plopped back onto the bed and sniffled. Zach and Keith looked at him and Zach slung his arm across Ned’s shoulders. Ned placed his head in the crook of Zach’s neck a cried. It wasn’t a lot of tears, but it was enough for Zach and Keith to know how truly upset he really was about this, no matter what he’d said throughout the day. It was tough for all of them. They all considered each other their best friends and it would be unfair of Zach to think one of them would be more upset than the other.

            “It’s okay…” Zach whispered, feeling like he and Ned had switched places from where they were earlier in the day. “We’ll do better.”

            They stayed like that for a while, until Ned was finally able to stop crying. Now they had all officially cried over Eugene. It didn’t seem right to any of them to have to worry about the wellbeing of someone so close to them who was as young as Eugene was. It was surreal in a sense that none of them _really_ knew how to feel about it.

            “Zach, your knees…” Keith was staring down at Zach’s wounds, which caused him to look at them as well. There was a line of blood traveling from his right knee down to his ankle. Zach jerked his leg up to make sure no blood got on his carpet, bumping Ned off his shoulder in the process.

            “Fuck. Get me some paper towels,” he ordered Keith who moved quickly out of the room and back within seconds, shoving a handful of paper towels at Zach. Zach wiped up the blood and pressed against the largest cut on his right leg that was spilling the blood. It hurt, but not as much as it had earlier. Thinking back to what the nurse said, it was probably one of the ones that could’ve used stitches.

            Zach reached for the first aid kit that had seemed to fall to the bed in his attempt to keep blood off his floor and retrieved some of the packages of alcohol wipes. He ripped a few open and began dabbing around the cuts. The alcohol sent a burning sensation through his legs that caused him to physically flinch, but he continued anyway, not wanting to have to mess with his knees for a while. He handed the slightly soaked paper towels to Keith, who was still standing and staring, and began wrapping his leg with the gauze until there was enough to keep him from seeing any blood. He repeated the process on his left knee with both of his friends watching him. He used medical tape on both of his legs to make sure the bandages wouldn’t come off then he closed the first aid kit and hopped up.

            “You guys ready to go?” Zach said dully, grabbing his bag and tossing it on his shoulder. If he was being honest, the sudden movement did cause a bit of lightheadedness, but he wasn’t about to say that to either of them.

            Ned wiped his eyes with both hands and sighed, “Yeah, I guess so.”

            They followed Zach back out to the living area, Keith being the only one to stop as they were passing through, “Zach, do you need any more food?”

            “Nah, I’m alright,” Zach waved his hand and continued walking toward the door, flinging it open, “Should I take my car or…?”

            “No, we might as well stay together. Especially if you’re planning on staying,” Ned walked passed Zach who was holding the door open. Zach shrugged and walked out as well, holding the door for Keith as he exited before locking up and replacing the key under the plant. They piled back into Ned’s car and this time, Ned turned on the radio to drown out of silence. Zach wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk about Eugene anymore, but he also wasn’t sure if he needed to. They had said everything that needed to be said, cried over things that needed to be cried over. The only thing the three of them haven’t actually talked about was their actually experience finding him, which was probably the most traumatizing. For all he knew, Ned and Keith had talked about it but he found it hard to imagine them talking about it without him.

            Even with the radio on, there was a tension that was indescribably pushing the three of them apart. The air was thick enough to make it hard to breathe. This major elephant in the room sat with them like another passenger in the car. Yet, none of them said anything; mindlessly listening to the music and keeping their thoughts to themselves. On more occasions than one, Zach thought about opening his mouth. Though, he wasn’t sure what he would even say. What was there to say? ‘So, Eugene tried to kill himself, huh?’ Yeah, no. They weren’t even sure if it was intentional or not, but Zach was almost sure that it was. Eugene doesn’t not like being in control. Eugene always knows what he’s doing. Unless maybe he didn’t?

            God, everything was so jumbled in his head again. He didn’t know what to think or feel. This day would never end. He could’ve lived the entire events of this day over the course of a week, but instead he was being bombarded with an avalanche of emotions and events just to make his life more stressful. Just everything from Eugene saying he was going to leave the company to him nearly passing out from lack of food was making him want to hit his head against a wall.

            Without realizing it, Zach leaned forward and let his head fall with a considerable amount of force against the back of the passenger side headrest. It hurt, only because of the plastic backing of the part, but it wasn’t a pain that he was overly worried about registering. He sees both Ned and Keith frantically glance back at the sudden sound, which was no doubt felt by Keith himself.

            “Zach, dude, are you okay?!” Ned was still taking quick glances back at him, but also trying his best to drive safely.

            Zach groaned, “Yes, I’m fine.”

            “Well, are you gonna be sick? Do I need to pull over?”

            “What? No? I’m fine, Ned,” Zach lifted his head and looked at Keith who was still turned around staring at him with concerned eyes. What a stupid brain he fucking has, making him do things without even thinking first. What the fuck was wrong with him?

            “You know what? No,” Ned sounded annoyed, putting on his blinker and turning into a side road before pulling over the car completely. He turned to look at Zach, “First of all, what’s wrong? And don’t give me any bullshit, okay? We’re going to talk. Like friends.”

            Both Zach and Keith looked at him like he was crazy, “Ned, come on we gotta get back to the hospital…” Keith put his hand out to try and reason with Ned.

            “No!” Ned swatted Keith’s hand away, “I’m tired of us not talking to each other! I’m tired of us hiding things! That’s exactly why Eugene is in the fucking hospital right now and I’m fucking done! I’m not about to almost lose anyone else! From now on, no more secrets, no more anything! We tell each other what’s going on, okay?”

            It was quiet in the car for a minute, the three basking in the words Ned spoke. Zach was the first to follow up hesitantly, “Okay… But we can at least drive while we talk.”

            Ned nodded, taking a deep breath before putting the car in gear and making a U-turn to get back on the road. "Zach, are you okay? Really?”

            “No,” Zach looked out the window dramatically, not wanting to say the words Ned so desperately wanted to hear. He heard Keith mumble what sounded like ‘ditto’ from the front seat, which earned a look from Ned.

            “Alright… Why did you hit your head on the seat?”

            “I, um–” Zach cleared his throat, “Do you think he tried to kill himself?”

            Zach could’ve sworn he felt everything stop. Something about saying the words out loud made the whole situation so much more real. They could use other words like ‘accident’ or ‘overdose’ but he wasn’t sure if they fully encompassed what had happened in the same antagonizing way.

            “I don’t know,” Ned whispered. The question was anxiety ridden and fear inducing and, quite frankly, not one that any of them wanted to think about. But here they were anyway, sitting with the same absolute dread at the possible answer to the question.

            It was silent the rest of the way to the hospital, even the radio had been turned off at some point. Zach’s brain had seemed to slow down to the point of almost no thought. It was like his brain froze. He didn’t know if the other guys felt it, too, but they looked like they had enough to think about as it is. Especially Ned, who has a kid to worry about. Maybe this was just Zach’s guilty conscious, but he felt like both him and Eugene were taking Ned and Ariel away from Wes today. They had both been at the hospital for considerable amounts of time and even Ned still hasn’t gone home to his family. Zach was sure he would, but at the same time it was like he had two different families to tend to and staying with one would be like choosing one over the other. Zach wanted to tell Ned to go home. To get some rest and be with his wife and kid. But another part wanted him to stay and keep them from falling apart completely. To literally be, for lack of better words, the _dad_ of the group. He was like the glue that held everyone in place. At least he was for Zach. Without Ned, who knows where he would be right now. Probably still in that chair next to Eugene, starving and bleeding. Which sounds more dramatic than it should but it’s true. Ned was like an angel, always putting others needs before his own; a respectable quality to say the least.

            Ned pulled up to the main entrance, “You guys go ahead, I’ll park…”

            “You sure?” Keith looked at Ned, a hint of worry in his eye.

            “Yeah, I’ll be there in a few,” Ned insisted and Keith and Zach complied, exiting the car and watching Ned drive away. Zach began to turn away but Keith stood in his place, still looking out toward the road.

            “Zach…” Keith said, still not looking at anything in particular. Zach hummed, stopping his walking and looked toward where Keith stood, his back facing toward him. “I love you.”

            “I know, Keith,” Zach walked up and put his hand on Keith’s should before stuttering, “I–I love you, too… Come on, let’s go inside.”

            They made their way back to the ICU and parted ways at the waiting room so Keith could rejoin Becky. Zach continued on his way down the hall to Eugene’s room with his bag hanging off his shoulder. Before going in, he sent a silent prayer to any god to make Eugene be awake; but nevertheless, when he opened the door, the stone-cold body still laid in the same position as he was in when Zach left. A surge of disappointment coursed through Zach’s body as he returned to his chair next to Eugene’s bed and replaced his hand in the folds of his friend’s. The only thing Zach knew for sure in this moment that life was going to be tough for the next few weeks, regardless of if Eugene woke up.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> since I'm not gonna do a Keith pov for this chapter,, seeing Zach re bandage and have all the blood and cuts was super triggering and lowkey sent him back into a little bit of a dissociative episode like he was experiencing earlier in the day


	16. can you open your eyes?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter is bipolar as hell whats up lmao  
> it's been a hot second since I've updated and this chapter isn't really as long but fuck it i've been busy as hell. if there's any typos let me know in the comments please and thanks

It was inarguably the longest four days of Zach’s life. There were nurses flowing in and out to constantly check on Eugene. Luckily, Dr. Buchman was kind enough to allow Zach to stay; but in all fairness, Zach wasn’t ever planning on leaving. Dr. Buchman even informed Zach about the Tiverton House, or the hotel next door to the hotel reserved for the families of patients. He thought about maybe getting a room, so he didn’t have to sleep in this chair for God knows how long but, once again, his separation issues stood in the way of him getting a good night’s rest in both a mental and physical way. He liked being next to Eugene so he could make sure he was still breathing and get all the information he needed from the nurses and Dr. Buchman. The morning after the incident, he even talked Dr. Buchman into letting Ned and Keith come see Eugene; explaining that none of Eugene’s biological family would be coming to visit. Which wasn’t a lie. Ned was keeping in contact with Eugene’s sisters, who were relaying information to both his parents. Since they all lived flights away, and still had their jobs and lives, they said they wouldn’t be making the trip unless it was absolutely dire for them to do so.

            Neither Ned nor Keith stayed the night at the hospital, so when they arrived the morning after, Zach took them back to see Eugene. He could’ve sworn Ned was about to cry the entire time. Keith’s face never showed any emotion, but Zach knew there was probably more going through his head than he knew how to cope with. It was an intense feeling, seeing his three best friends in a state they had never been before. It was also the first time they had all four been together since they found him, which was surreal in of itself. Zach told them they could stay in the room, but there was only one chair and a plethora of unwieldy tension still waiting to be dissolved. Ned was the first to leave, saying he would check back in later because at least one of them had to go to the office to sort stuff out, and it obviously wasn’t going to be either Zach or Eugene. Keith stayed for only a short while longer, not speaking much and only looking at Eugene and out the window. Zach only left the room if it was to get a snack from the cafeteria, only because the nurses forced him to, or to use the bathroom, which was attached to the room itself.  

            Now it was Friday morning and Zach desperately needed some tea and a change in bandages. He thought that he could maybe be okay without any, but when he unwrapped his knees, most of them still weren’t very scabbed over or even remotely being closed to healed. It was fucking annoying and he knew if he had someone at the hospital do it, it would probably take forever and cost a fortune just as the original wrapping had. On Wednesday, he was able to go back to the front desk and fill out his information for when he arrived because the guys had brought him his wallet; unfortunately meaning he will be receiving the bill sometime soon because his insurance didn’t cover it. That whole ordeal made him think about if Eugene’s insurance will cover any of this. How much will he have to pay? Zach has heard horror stories of people who have broken bones and had to call ambulances, and they all end with having to pay thousands of dollars. Eugene having that, plus the ICU bill, plus the possible rehab and mental facility… He was racking up the cost quicker than he was making money. Since they haven’t been, and definitely won’t be making videos, all of their incomes had taken a hit. Zach was concerned about how much money Eugene actually had to use for this. Surely, he had enough money put away for emergencies and things but the health care system was so broken that Eugene could easily be put back months or even years from this. The thought gave Zach anxiety. Which was why he was now heading to the café for some tea. He would worry about his stupid knees later, after he grew a money tree and made health care free.

            Ned, Ariel, Keith, and Becky weren’t at the hospital yet today, but it was still fairly early. Zach wasn’t sure, because he had pretty much completely disregarded the normality of time, but he thought it was around eight or nine in the morning because the early-morning shift nurses were beginning to cycle through. Eugene had some of the same nurses on a daily basis, Laura having the late-night through mid-morning shifts and Caitlyn, the student nurse, having the noon through early-night shifts. They were both very nice and accommodating, always making sure Zach was just as well taken care of as Eugene, obviously noticing he was having a hard time. They never asked any questions or tried to pry, which was appreciated, but they made it known that they were there for both Zach and, of course, Eugene if either of them needed anything.

            As he was walking down the hall, he spotted Laura coming out of a room just down a bit from Eugene’s, “Morning Zach, sleep alright?”

            Zach nodded, “Yeah, I’m going to grab some tea. Do you want anything?” After his third morning here, he knew Laura wouldn’t let him buy her anything even though he was just trying to be nice. Which was most likely an attempt to fix his mistake of lack of generosity to Eugene.

            “Thanks, but no thanks,” she smiled at him as they passed by, “But if Jeff is working, tell him I said hi.”

            “Will do,” he smiled back at her. Also during his time here, Laura has been the one to keep him company when he can’t sleep. She tries to keep his mind off the bad things, and quite honestly, she’s fairly good at it. That being said, he’s learned that her and Jeff, the barista, have a little bit of a fling, but it’s nothing official yet. Zach hopped on the elevator, and traveled down to the first floor.

            When he arrived at the café, Jeff was indeed one of the ones working. He was glad, because telling him Laura said ‘hi’ was the least he could do. Jeff blushed and said to tell her ‘hi’ as well. Zach really hopes their relationship turns out, because Laura was doing so much for him and Eugene and she deserved a happy, healthy romance. He stepped into the quick moving line and ended up ordering a large pomegranate green tea and made sure to put a five in the nearly empty tip jar before departing back to Eugene’s room. 

            Zach was nearly finished with his tea by the time Laura made her rounds to Eugene’s room. He looked up from his phone when she walked in, “Jeff said ‘hi’.” He smiled.

            Her cheeks went red, a major contrast from her overly pale skin, “Of course he did… I think I’m going to ask him out one of these days.”

            “You totally should. I ship it,” They both giggle at Zach’s comment as Laura continued.

            “I wish he’d do it first though. I hate being the one to actually start the relationship, you know?”

            Zach briefly glanced in Eugene’s direction, “Yeah, I get that… But there’s no way he’s not into you so there’s no point in waiting for him to ask first.”

            Laura groaned, fixing up Eugene’s IV bag and checking the machines that did God knows what, “I know, I know… I’m just so nervous. Like, what if he says no?”

            “He won’t say no, I promise,” Zach watched as she fiddled with different buttons and such. He saw her face change from playful to concerned in a matter of seconds and Zach’s stomach dropped, “What’s wrong?”

            She scrunched her eyebrows together, “He seems to be having a series of heart palpitations and an extremely high heart rate…” She reached down for the pager attached to her scrubs near her where belt loops would be and clicked the middlemost button. “He hasn’t shown any signs like this before.”

            Laura read his blood pressure out loud as well, but Zach didn’t know what any of these numbers meant, “It’s way too high.”

            Zach wasn’t sure what to do or how to help but he knew he probably couldn’t. He felt a rush of blood to his head and sweat gathered on his palms. What was happening to Eugene? Next thing he knew, Dr. Buchman was walking through the door and asking Laura what happened. She explained to him in a heaping amount of words that Zach didn’t understand. He stood there, useless and confused as they spat medical terms back and forth, grabbing things and hitting buttons. Zach’s vision was narrowing to Eugene’s body that was beginning to shake heavily and nearly seize in multiple places. Zach’s legs went numb as he watched Dr. Buchman and Laura work to figure out what was happening. Maybe they knew already, but Zach was sure he couldn’t hear anymore. He was probably shaking just as much as Eugene at that point. Only, his was out of fear and anxiety, but for all he knew, Eugene was fucking dying. That’s what it looked like at least.

            Dr. Buchman used his pager to call for another nurse and suddenly another man was walking through the door. Zach thought he could hear someone shout ‘Get him out of here’ but he wasn’t sure what it meant, his brain working both too slow and too fast for his own good. The male nurse who walked through the door grabbed Zach’s arm and gently tugged to get him to move, but it felt like Zach’s feet were cemented to the floor. He couldn’t peel his eyes away from his friends jerking body. He couldn’t move from his place in the room. He didn’t want to, but at the same time, he didn’t know how much more he could watch. Eugene looked so helpless. So out of control. The man tugged harder on his arm, forcing Zach’s feet to stumble.

            “Sir, I need you to come with me,” the man’s voice was one in a sea of voices in Zach’s head that he was having trouble distinguishing from his own thoughts. For a second, Zach regained control of where he could look and forced his sight to align with the man. He looked serious, but in a kind way. Almost as if his eyes were saying he was trying to help but everything else saying otherwise. Zach didn’t know if he could trust this man because he needed to be with Eugene but if Dr. Buchman needed him out, what else was he to do? Zach let his body be guided out of the room, taking only one look back at Eugene before the door was closed between them.

            “If you could wait in the waiting room until either Dr. Buchman or Laura is able to inform you on the condition of Mr. Yang, it would be greatly appreciated,” the man stood in front of the door, blocking it as if he thought maybe Zach would try to enter again. But Zach nodded, not knowing what other option he really had, and walked without feeling his legs carry him.

            When he blinked, he was sitting in the waiting room, in the chairs closest to the furthest window from the door. His gaze traveled out to the rest of the medical center. So many people walked around outside, young and old, workers and visitors. It was sad to think that many people had people they knew that were also here. No matter what, being in a hospital almost never meant anything good.

            Zach was shaking more than he knew, but he could feel it all the same. He couldn’t stop it. It was like his core was erupting and there was nothing he could do about it. His legs bounced up and down fast enough to make him notice and his hands were vibrating in his pockets. Nothing about his sitting was still. Even his vision could be shaky, but he couldn’t focus enough on anything to be sure. He probably looked as if he was sat in the arctic without a coat but it wasn’t cold in the hospital, or at least not cold enough to make anyone shiver as much as he was. There were one thousand and one thoughts flowing through his head, but the number one was the question of if Eugene was dying. He sure as hell looked like it.

            It could’ve been five minutes or it could’ve been an hour, Zach had no perception of time, but at some point, Laura’s face appeared opposite his. He thought he maybe hear her say his name a few times. She was crouched down so her eyes were level with his, “Zach, can you hear me?”

            Zach nodded even though he wasn’t entirely sure what all he could and couldn’t hear. Though, he did hear a very prevalent static in the background of everything. He thought if he should ask if Eugene’s alright, but he didn’t know how to make his voice work anymore. He didn’t know how to form a sentence. He barely even knew how to breathe. Now, he was sure his vision was blurring, because a fairly tall blondish man was now walking toward them. In the distance, Zach might’ve heard a familiar voice say ‘what’s going on?’ but there was a barrier between the words being spoken and his ears. His shoulders still rattled, his core still shook, and his knees still bounced but he knew he wasn’t in control.

            There was a firm hand placed on his arm. Zach looked to the touch but was still unable to fully place a face, “Zach, it’s okay…” Was that Ned? What was he doing here? Shouldn’t he be at work? Zach willed his eyes to focus but nothing he tried worked. “Eugene’s okay, it’s okay…”

            There was a possibility that Zach shook his head, but he wouldn’t know whether or not he did for sure. He was still focused on his movement; his uncontrollable shiver in the middle of a warm room.

“Zach, are you listening?” Ned was sitting next to him now and Laura was still crouched in her position, her arm now resting close to his. He was only half listening because he felt like he was underwater. His vision and hearing were blurry and there was a weight on his chest that was preventing him from taking in full breaths. “Hey, just breathe, okay?”

Just breathe? Just breathe? He couldn’t ‘just breathe’ He couldn’t breathe at all. There was no longer any oxygen in his lungs and it made his head spin even more than it already was. Oh my god, he couldn’t breathe. The shaking of his limbs seemed to worsen. He felt like if he tried, he could phase through a wall because he was vibrating so much. He squeezed his eyes shut, thinking it would maybe help him breathe better, but it didn’t.

While without his sight, he felt a soft hand lift his own and be placed on what seemed to be the neck of Laura. His fingertips were nudged near her jawline, just below to the place where her pulse is most prominent.

“Can you feel that?” she asked, keeping his hand pressed tightly against her neck. His eyes were still closed and his breathing still uneven but he did feel a steady beat between his touch. A beat every second, not multiple, just one even beat to correspond with every fraction of the minute they were in. He nodded to her, but didn’t look, afraid that if he opened his eyes everything would get worse as it had before. “Count the beats.”

He felt one beat, then two, then three. In the distance, beneath the sounds of him counting, he heard her say ‘out loud’, meaning his breathing must not have been getting better.

“One, two, three, four, five…” he began in a whisper, hardly able to catch his breath. She started with him, counting up as he did, keeping his hand in its place. They counted together, Zach’s voice growing louder as he was distracted by the rising number. When they reached thirty, he opened his eyes, meeting hers. Her eyebrows were joined together with concern as she locked her eyes with his. Even as he stopped counting, she kept his hand there. She kept it there till she was sure his breathing was stable enough.

“Better?” she dropped his hand gently, placing it on his thigh where it rested before. There was still a shake in his legs but the infinite pit of butterflies in his stomach seemed to settle down.

“Yeah,” his voice cracked as he nodded, blinking a few times to ensure his eyes were fully focused. He looked toward Ned’s hand, which was still resting on his forearm, but he couldn’t bring himself to look up to Ned’s face.

“He’s okay, he was just experiencing a reaction to the counter medicine and a bit of withdrawal… It’s nothing to be worried about,” she started, standing back up and sitting in the chair next to him that wasn’t occupied by Ned, “You can even go back to the room when Dr. Buchman says it’s alright, which should be any minute now, okay?”

“O-Okay…” he reminded himself to keep breathing. Thank God Eugene was okay. Thank God, he wasn’t dead. Thank God, thank God, thank God.

“Do you want me to stay with you until you can go back?” she offered. Zach wanted to say yes, but he knew she had other patients as well. He didn’t want to monopolize her when there were other people who needed more help.

“You don’t have to–” she cut him off.

“All the other patients have multiple nurses… Eugene’s the only one with one nurse right now. I can stay if you need me to.”

Zach nodded, not saying anything else because he was afraid if he opened his mouth, he would deny her offer further, which was the opposite of what he wanted. He felt a slight squeeze on his arm, but not the one next to Laura. He turned his head, still not making eye contact with his other best friend.

“Keith’s at the office still… Do you want me to call him?” Ned spoke, looking at Zach, trying to get him to meet his eyes.

“No, someone needs to be there…” They already missed this Wednesday’s video without a solid explanation as to why. Now it was Friday and they still didn’t know what to do. Ned and Keith, who had been the only two to work this past week, were able to pull together some vlog footage for either today or next Wednesday, but they weren’t sure how much other footage they could find for another video. Since they weren’t sure how long Eugene, or even Zach would be out, it was hard to say when the next time they would shoot would be. Yesterday, Keith told the other staff about what happened. Not everything, of course, but enough for them to know it would be a while before they would be seeing Eugene. Keith also said that he and Ned would be working with them to maybe get some videos out without Zach and Eugene. They just all hoped no one would notice for a bit to buy them some time.

Ned nodded in agreement, “I’ll go call him and tell him what happened…”

With that, he stood and left the waiting room, leaving Zach and Laura to themselves. Zach didn’t know if he should say anything to lessen the tension because he wasn’t sure how much he really wanted to talk yet. He knew he just had a panic attack. The action was not new to him, but it had been a while since his last one. As far as he could remember, the last time he did actually have a panic attack was in high school. This whole event seemed to renew some of his past anxieties that have since been worked through and diminished. He never thought he would have another panic attack like that for the rest of his life, but here he was, still struggling to fully catch his breath. It made him feel like he was sixteen again and he hated it. He worked so hard to not be in that place mentally but just one event was enough to send him back. He thought he had been doing well through the whole Eugene situation, but for some reason this sent him over the edge. It was like the straw that broke the camel’s back. He had a full-blown panic attack. Again. For the first time in years. What the fuck?

He felt a shift in the chair next to him, likely Laura, “So… how long have you and Eugene been together?”

Zach choked on his spit. What did she just say? Did she just ask how long he and Eugene had been _together_? “Sorry?” He scoffed.

Her eyebrows raised exponentially, her face showing instant realization, “Oh! Oh my God, are you guys not– I thought you were a couple?”

“What?! No! No, we’re just f-friends!” fuck, he stuttered. Yet another thing he hadn’t done regularly since high school.

“I’m so sorry! I didn’t realize you weren’t together… You just seem really close to him,” she looked flustered and a little embarrassed, but Zach probably looked the same. This wasn’t necessarily the _first_ time someone had assumed they were involved romantically. Zach didn’t think he put off that vibe toward Eugene, or vice versa, but was it possible they did act like a couple? Was the way Zach treated Eugene similar to the way he would treat a significant other? To be fair, he and Eugene were best friends and he was allowed to love and care for him platonically. That was just as valid as them being together.

“I-It’s okay, but no, I don’t– I’m not into him like that…” But did he think of Eugene that way? Even if it was just in a deep subconscious way that he wasn’t fully aware of. He did check all the boxes as far as being emotionally attached; which could also be associated with friendship, right? Yeah, sure, he’s had butterflies for Eugene before, but not in _that_ way because he’s just nervous for him. In all honesty, Zach didn’t even know if Eugene was single so regardless of if he did want a relationship, he wasn’t even sure if his friend was in the market. Not to mention what all it would do to their friend group. If he and Eugene were to date, would they go on triple dates with Ned, Ariel, Keith and Becky? Would they accept the relationship? How would it affect the company? Or the videos?

No matter how much he would want to validate it, there was no way a relationship like that within their business confines would ever work. Zach did _not_ want it, but even if he did, it just wouldn’t work. That’s that. There was no other possibility. He and Eugene were friends and that was all. That was how Zach wanted to keep it.

Ned reentered the room, breaking through the tension put in place by Laura’s question and sat down in his original spot. “Keith said he would come by after work, probably with Becky, too…”

There was still an awkward silence that followed, neither Zach or Laura speaking and Ned unaware of the previous conversation but not willing to ask. It staying like that for what felt like forever but was only probably ten minutes before Dr. Buchman appeared in the doorway. Zach stood up immediately, almost getting light headed from the movement, but walked toward him anyway. Zach stood in front of Dr. Buchman before the man even had time to enter the room.

“How is he?” Zach’s voice was still shaky and probably on edge.

“He’s alright. Just experiencing some later reactions to the counter medicine as well as a few withdrawal symptoms that seem to be elevated due to his lack of control. He should be fine, don’t worry,” Dr. Buchman spoke with an overly calm tone but his face still radiated concern. He placed his hand on Zach’s shoulder and Laura appeared next to him.

“I can go back to see him still, right?”

Dr. Buchman nodded, “Of course, I just don’t know how many people should be back there right now,” he glanced at Ned who was making his way toward the standing group, “We should probably wait for a few hours before letting all of you back.”

“I understand,” Ned reached for Zach’s arm and placed a light touch on his shoulder, “Are you good to go back?”

Zach hummed before ducking away from the three others and starting toward Eugene’s room. As he walked, he heard footsteps following close behind him, but no one ever stopped him. There was a heavy beat still in his chest that remained from earlier and his palms were quite damp. He clenched and unclenched his fists repeatedly, a tick that he didn’t even realize he was doing. As he stopped in front of the door, he must’ve been stalled for longer than he thought he was.

“Do you want me to go in first?” Laura stepped next to him, taking a foot more to close the distance between her and the door. Zach nodded and took a small step back. She opened the door slowly, peaking in first before walking in and pulling the door wide for Zach to enter as well. Zach was hesitant. He wanted to see Eugene but he didn’t want to see Eugene the way he was just a small time ago; A memory that was now burned into his brain. He leaned forward first before actually moving his feet. His bag, as well as the chair, had been moved further into the corner and Eugene’s body was finally in a different position. He didn’t look overly misplaced, but Zach could still notice a change from the Eugene before and after his body lost control. There were a few more machines now as well.

Zach felt his heart skip a beat as the sounds of the machines and the way Eugene’s body lay on the bed brought back the vivid images of his friend’s body jerking uncontrollably, his mind even brought him back to Eugene’s body on his bathroom floor with glass sticking out if his hand. He had tried his best to not think about the _accident_ since that day, but the memory replayed in his head without his approval.

His whole chest ached and stomach churned. It was like he could feel all the pain he saw Eugene in over the past few days. Not days, months. The months, and maybe even years, of pent up emotion and substance abuse plus all the physical pain he must be in. Zach felt it all. How could just looking at someone make him feel so much at once? There was a fire burning inside of him and it was all because of Eugene.

“Zach, you can come in,” Laura motioned for him to come in, but he didn’t know how to move. His body was just as unmovable as he bet Eugene’s was. The only way he could force himself to move was to shake his head. Maybe he could walk, but he didn’t feel like he could which was all that mattered. He felt like Eugene. He shouldn’t be able to move. He shouldn’t be able to walk around freely without a weight on his shoulders like he bets Eugene had. “Zach… it’s okay.”

She reached for him but he never felt a touch. He doesn’t think Eugene has felt his touch, either, because Eugene has been so cold and you’re numb when you’re cold. You can’t feel when you’re cold. He was cold right now. He was just as cold as he imagines Eugene is. Laura said his name yet again, pushing him to come into the room with no success. She must’ve walked away at some point, because the view he had of Eugene was now blocked by a closed door. He couldn’t see his friend anymore. There was suddenly a wall between the two of them and Zach didn’t know if he liked it or not.

His vision was torn away from Eugene’s body which created a sense of both isolation and relief. He didn’t have to see his friend, which was both what he wanted and didn’t want. The memories didn’t stop playing, though. His mind was circling between the other day and earlier this morning. Back and forth and back and forth. If he didn’t know better, his brain would’ve clumped them together to become one whole memory. The scene was on loop, like it was being projected against the closed door. Part of him wanted to reach for the door handle to see if reconnecting himself with the real Eugene would replace this intangible one.

He must’ve not acted fast enough because a firm hand landed on his shoulder, shattering the image in his head. His head snapped toward the hand, his eyes locking with Ned’s, “You don’t have to go in if you don’t want to.”

“I want to,” Zach whispered. “I just can’t…” In Ned’s eyes, Zach could see a glossy reflection of his memories of Eugene. They were everywhere he looked. He couldn’t escape the look of Eugene’s seizing body.

Ned wrapped himself around Zach, rubbing circles into his back. Somehow, Zach had started shaking again but he didn’t realize until he was being held still by Ned’s arms. He was thankful for Ned and his warm hugs and soft sweaters that he always seemed to wear at the right time. Zach let his eyes slip shut, and there was a possibility they were producing tears that Ned no doubt felt against his skin.

“It’s okay to not be okay…” Ned whispered, tucking his head closer to Zach’s and squeezing the smaller man’s body a bit tighter.

There was a warmth in Zach’s chest that was fueled by Ned’s words. It was possibly the most reassuring thing he had heard over the last few days. In this moment, with Ned, he didn’t have to try to stop shaking or crying. He didn’t have to hold anything in because Ned was here to tell him he didn’t have to. He didn’t have to feel any way to try to change the feelings of others because his feelings were his and he was allowed to feel them; because if he didn’t, who else would?

-

            Eugene’s other nurse, Caitlyn, was in the room now. Zach was able to finally go back in around noon and hasn’t left since. Before Laura left for the day, she changed Zach’s bandages for him, which was one less thing he had to worry about. Keith came by to visit a few hours ago, but he never came in, therefore Zach never saw him. It was almost eleven now and Zach was tired. His head was rested on his folded arms that laid next to Eugene’s body. He wanted so badly to sleep, but his brain wouldn’t shut off for a long enough time for him to actually drift.

            “Did you eat dinner?” Caitlyn asked as she was fixing the NG tube.

            “No,” Zach mumbled, not moving his head from its place. His fingers were lightly tracing Eugene’s fingers, going from his thumb to his pinky and back.

            “You need to eat something.”

            “I know…” He still didn’t look at her, keeping his gaze focused on Eugene’s hand.

            “I think the cafeterias still open if you want to go get something,” She finished her task and moved to one of the monitors.

            “I’m good.”

            Caitlyn stopped to stare at him, “You don’t have to stay here all the time. You’re allowed to leave for a bit, you know?”

            “I’m not leaving,” his voice was firm.

            “But you’re starving…” she countered.

            “No, I’m not. I’m fine,” his voice probably sounded harsher than he meant them to.

            “It’ll take not even five minutes to go grab–” she started but Zach cut her off, lifting his head up to look at her.

            “I said I’m not leaving!” he yelled without knowing what he was doing. There was an immediate silence following his sudden outburst. Neither of them said anything. Zach laid his head back down and Caitlyn turned back to the monitor. Guilt pooled in Zach’s stomach and he felt bad for raising his voice at her when he knew she was just trying to help. “S-Sorry… It’s just– the last time I left to do something like that I thought he was gonna die… I don’t want that to happen again.”

            Her eyebrows came together with a look of concern, “Do you want me to ask someone to bring you something?”

            “No, don’t. You guys are all busy–” she cut him off this time. He lifted his head back up to look at her.

            “I’m sure there’s someone on break willing to go. Trust me, this isn’t the first time we’ve had someone so reluctant to leave.”

            “Really, you don’t need to, it’s okay…”

            She started toward the door, “I’ll be back in a few.”

            Caitlyn left before Zach could get another word in. He sighed heavily at the kind actions of everyone at this hospital. Why did everyone have to be so damn nice. It was suffocating. In a way, it made sense. People who work in public health services are supposed to be caring, right? Regardless, it still made him feel wrong to retrieve help when he was literally staying in a hospital room that wasn’t meant for him.

            It didn’t take her long to return, holding a fruit cup, a granola bar, and package of crackers, “I didn’t know what you would like so I got you a few things.”

            He thanked her as she laid them on the small table next to Zach’s chair and he reached for them immediately, picking up the fruit cup first and demolishing it in nearly seconds. He didn’t realize how hungry he was until actually putting food in his mouth.

            “Slow down there, bro. I don’t want you to choke,” they both laughed at him as he opened the crackers.

            “I’ll be fine…” he said, putting two crackers into his mouth as she continued to giggle.

            “Alright, well, if you need anything, I’ll be doing rounds,” she was almost out the door yet again. Zach nodded and thanked her again for the food, still continuing to scarf it all down.

            He was alone again with Eugene, except now he was slightly less on edge from the food that was in his stomach. It’s crazy how much hunger can affect how you’re feeling. It probably took him less than two minutes to finish it all then he was back to tracing Eugene’s fingers.

            Zach was finding it increasingly difficult to not notice how utterly attractive Eugene was, even as he laid in this dull hospital bed. Not that he liked seeing him in this state, but it was hard to not find him attractive in any situation. His hair, curlier than normal, was in all sorts of disarray but Zach still thought it looked perfect. And his gruff facial hair was getting fuller with every day that passed. He would never tell Eugene this, but he loved it when he didn’t shave. Not to mention, his hands. Eugene had the most flawless hands. They were so subtly muscular but also so gentle and soft. Zach intertwined his pinky with Eugene’s.

            God, what was he doing? This was his best friend, why was he thinking about him like this? Zach physically shook his head to get rid of the thoughts. He pulled his hand back from Eugene’s and leaned back in his chair, wrapping his blanket around him. Maybe if he tried to sleep he would be able to. His head tumbled at the thought of being attracted to Eugene. He couldn’t necessarily remember a time when he was, but he couldn’t remember a time when he _wasn’t._ It could’ve just been what Laura said earlier getting into his head, but the more he thought about it, the more he seemed to realize what everything meant. Was there a reason he refused to leave Eugene’s side? Was there a reason he used to get nervous every morning before coming into work when he first started working with Eugene at Buzzfeed? Was there a reason he’s been so determined to help him? Was there a reason, other than the two being best friends, that he said ‘I love you’?

            He slammed his eyes shut hoping his brain would shut up as well. He needed to rest and that’s what he intended to do. He needed to sleep so he could be there for Eugene when he wakes up. He needed to sleep so he didn’t have to think about this creeping crush on his best friend. He needed to sleep so he didn’t have to think at all.

            Eventually, he must’ve drifted a bit, but not enough to make him feel well rested. He was only half awake when he heard an obnoxiously loud alarm come from somewhere extremely close. As he struggled to open his eyes, he heard Laura talking, which meant it was at least two in the morning, but there was another person moving that was unfamiliar to him.

            In the hospital bed, Eugene’s eyes were open and blinking. His hand, the one without stitches, was on his face, fingers fumbling with the NG tube in his nose. Oh my god. Zach sat up quicker than he realized, knocking his phone off the armrest and his blanket fell to the floor.

            “Eugene,” was the only word his mouth could force out, and even then, his voice cracked. The alarm stopped as Laura made her way closer to the two of them, heading straight for Eugene. Eugene looked toward Zach, obviously confused and almost a little scared, as he tried to sit up in his bed.

Laura got to him first, pushing his shoulder back down to keep him in a laying position, “Don’t get up just yet, I need to check your vitals.” She pulled up a clipboard and started copying down all the information from the screen that displayed Eugene’s heart rate and all that other shit that Zach didn’t know what meant.

Eugene didn’t stop looking at Zach with the same expression that had been glued on his face since he woke up. Zach wanted to say something else or to grab his hand but he didn’t know which to do, or if he should do either at all. It was eerily silent without the alarm and none of them were speaking. Laura was still writing but she was finished before Eugene or Zach could say something to each other.

“Your blood pressure is still a bit high but everything else seems alright,” she looked from Eugene to Zach and back to Eugene, “Don’t try to get up, you haven’t had enough solid food the last few days so you might pass out if you try to walk. If you need to go to the bathroom, use the button on the side of your bed. Dr. Buchman will be here around five for us to talk again…” She looked back at Zach without looking away, “Do you want to talk to him?”

Zach nodded promptly, sitting up straighter and moving a bit closer to Eugene without actually making contact. Laura acknowledged with a nod in return and walked toward the door.

“I’ll be back in about an hour to check his vitals again, okay?” she said to Zach. As he replied with an okay, she shut the door behind her, leaving the two men in a silent atmosphere. It took Zach a minute to turn his head back to Eugene because he wasn’t sure if he was ready to talk. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to talk to Eugene, who was alive, and awake.

“Zach…” his voice was gruff and small. It almost sounded unfamiliar, “What happened?”

Zach looked to his best friend, suddenly confused, “You don’t remember?”

Eugene shook his head a tiny bit, looking around the room, trying to assess the situation as best he could. Zach swung his legs out of the chair and rested his forearms on the bed, still not quite touching Eugene.

“There was an accident…” he was fiddling with his fingers, not looking at Eugene, “You, um, well, you drank too much…” Zach didn’t know how to say the words. He’d said it before to Ned and Keith, but this felt way different; having to tell the person who did the thing what they did just wasn’t the same as just saying it. Out the corner of his eye, he saw Eugene’s hand inch closer and closer to where his hands were. He didn’t want to move, but he wasn’t sure how he could handle holding Eugene’s hand right now. He just needed to get over it because his best friend needed him. His best friend needed someone to be there for him; to love him and care about him in a platonic way. Eugene didn’t need a relationship right now and Zach needed to come to terms with that as well as his own feelings. He sighed heavily as Eugene’s thumb brushed against the back of his right hand.

“What did I do?” Eugene’s voice was so scratchy that the words barely came out, but Zach knew exactly what he said anyway. He shook his head, not able to speak. Was he going to cry? What the fuck? This wasn’t sad, this was good. Eugene was awake and _alive_. He shouldn’t be crying, for fuck sake. Zach used his left hand to pinch the bridge of his nose, an action that had become habitual over the last few days. “Zach, what did I do?”

“You– you overdosed… on you’re a–antidepressants…” Zach stuttered again which pissed him off, but not enough to make him visibly angry. Eugene’s hand stopped as the words came out of Zach’s mouth. “And you said you wanted to quit… You said you didn’t want to be a part of the company anymore.”

Eugene’s face instantly fell, as if was disappointed. All the confusion was gone and replaced with a looking of knowing because even if he doesn’t explicitly remember the event, he remembers his plan. And the message he arranged to send. Since he was in a hospital bed, that must’ve meant things didn’t quite go according to plan.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“Why?” Zach looked up, meeting Eugene’s eyes. Zach could probably cry, but he wasn’t going to. Not now, not when he needed to talk to his best friend, “Why did you do it?”

“I don’t know…” Eugene looked away this time, knowing he still wanted to hide everything in his mind.

“Did you mean it?”

“Which thing?” Eugene still didn’t look at his best friend, but his hand was now on top of Zach’s. Hopefully making up for the fact that he was avoiding eye contact.

“Any of it. All of it,” Zach spoke fairly quickly, desperate for answers.

Eugene shook his head, “I don’t know,” he whispered, closing his eyes and peeling his hand away from Zach’s.

“What the fuck does that mean?” Zach was being pushed closer and closer to the edge and he was about to explode if Eugene didn’t explain himself really fucking soon.

“It means I don’t know, Zach!” that was the loudest Eugene’s voice could possibly go, and it still wasn’t very loud. But it felt loud to Zach. It felt endlessly loud in his ears.

Zach hesitated before saying his next words, “Do you really want to die?”

Eugene looked down at Zach’s hands, still avoiding his gaze, “I don’t think so…”

Zach sighed, half relieved and half angry. At least he didn’t say yes, but if he meant yes, would he say it? “Are you telling me the truth?”

Eugene nodded, “If you’re asking me if I’m suicidal, I’m not, but I can’t say I’m happy to be alive right now…”

Those words were enough to send Zach over the edge. Both happy and sad tears flowed down his cheek, but he tried his best not to make any sound. This was his best friend, regardless of how he felt about him, and he wasn’t happy to be alive. Did that mean he wanted to die? He’s not suicidal, which is good, but is being unhappy with living any better? Zach accidentally let out a small sob, grasping Eugene’s attention.

Eugene tried to sit up toward him, but was restricted by wires that held him back. Instead he hovered his hand over Zach’s shoulder, “No, no, don’t cry. It’s okay, I’m okay.” He motioned to himself in an almost panicky way. Zach had done so much crying over Eugene recently that he just now remembered Eugene hasn’t been around to see it all. It was refreshing to hear Eugene get nervous about people expressing emotions for him. Zach laughed at bit at his statement, wiping tears from his eyes. He missed Eugene so much. He was just so happy to talk to him again, “What? Why are you laughing? What did I do?”

That made Zach laugh a little more as he continued to wipe his face, “You didn’t do anything. I just– I really fucking miss you, dude.”

“I’m right here…”

Zach’s laughter died down and he looked at Eugene with a deadpan stare, “You know what I mean…”

He nodded, “I know…” There was another pause before Eugene leaned forward enough to look at Zach’s lower half, “What happened to your knees?”

“Oh, nothing,” Zach waved it off, “Just some glass… I’ll be alright, they’re just scratched.”

Eugene held up his left hand, which was covered in stitches and wraps in all different places, “Is it the same thing?”

“Mine wasn’t as bad…”

“Was it my fault?” Eugene looked a bit sad at the fact that he might possibly be the cause of Zach’s bandages. There was a tug at Zach’s heartstrings, he just wanted Eugene to feel better. He didn’t need to feel guilty about anything anymore.

“No, you didn’t do anything.”

“Are you sure?” Eugene’s eyebrows came together and it made Zach’s stomach do a flip. Christ, he needed to calm down.

“Positive,” he smiled at Eugene and Eugene gave a small smile back, his eyebrows relaxing. Zach’s hand found Eugene’s uninjured one and held onto it lightly. Eugene didn’t move, so neither did Zach. It was wonderful.

“You look tired?” Eugene broke their run of silence.

            “Yeah, well, it’s been a rough few days…” Zach’s hand that wasn’t holding onto Eugene’s wrapped around the back of his neck in a bit of an awkward fashion.

            “Fuck… how long have I been out?”

            “About four days…”

            “Shit, Zach… Have you stayed here the whole time?” Eugene sounded surprised, and a little guilty. Zach nodded shyly, not really wanting to admit he’s been here this whole time. “What the hell? Why?”

            “I don’t know… I guess I didn’t want you to be alone…” the sentence was awkward and Zach’s voice was awkward. The whole bit was awkward and he was at the center of it.

            There was a pause before Eugene replied with a simple, “Oh…” followed by yet another awkward, and very quiet, pause. “Have you slept there?” Eugene motioned to the chair Zach was sitting in. Zach nodded yet again and looked around, diverting his eyes.

            “Do you want to sleep?”

            “I mean, yeah, but like, you’re awake now… I have to stay awake with you…”

            “What? No, you don’t, Zach. You need to sleep,” Eugene insisted.

            “I probably won’t sleep very much in this chair anyway so there’s no point in even try–” Eugene cut him off before he could finish his sentence.

            “Do you think you could fit up here?” Eugene started to scoot over a bit in his bed as he untucked the sheets on the right side of the bed.

            “Do what?” Zach raised his eyebrows. “No way, I can’t get up there, Gene. We’re in a hospital, for fuck sake!”

            “So? You need a good night sleep and there’s plenty of room. See?” He flipped the covers back and revealed a good foot and a half of space for Zach to slip in to. Eugene was half pressed against the side railing to give Zach enough space that he would need.

            “Are you serious?”

            “Yep!” He patted the empty area in an attempt to get Zach to move up there with him. Zach groaned as he stood up, grabbing his blanket and throwing his pillow onto his side, and got into the small bed. It was a tight fit, but he laid sideways to give Eugene more space to lay flat; but Eugene turned on his side a bit, too so they were facing each other. Zach shimmied under the covers and threw his blanket over the two of them.

            “You’re warm…” he whispered.

            Eugene smiled, “You’re cold.”

            Zach snorted and nuzzled into both his pillows and Eugene’s shoulder, which happened to be right next to his face. His arms bunched up in between his and Eugene’s chests and he could’ve sworn he felt Eugene’s hands graze his fingers. His stomach was buzzing with butterflies but he was trying his best to ignore them so he could try to sleep.

            “Goodnight, Zach,” Eugene whispered. Zach could feel the smile in his words, which made him infinitely happy.

            “Night, Gene,” Zach mumbled as he began to drift to the feeling of Eugene’s warmth and his fingers brushing against his own.  


	17. evaluations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope theres no typos lmao but there probably is. edit me in the comments so i can fix it  
> anyway, hope you guys had a good thanksgiving!! my mom asked me what i wanted for christmas this year and i couldn't think of anything tangible because all i want is to hit 5,000 views on this fuckin fic lol so like share it if you want to i guess? is it cheesy for me to self promote like this? I think yes, okay, I'm never doing it again. one and done.  
> alright back to dissociating unnecessarily for days :))))
> 
> EDIT: YALL seriously I'm so done okay like i write in word and have dashes to separate the time jumps/pov changes but EVERY TIME i copy this shit over here the dashes go away i'm-

Zach looked so peaceful as he slept; it was the first time since Eugene had woken up that Zach hadn’t looked beyond stressed. Which was nice to see, but frustrating because Eugene was likely the source of the stress. Eugene hated how much he liked laying this close to one of his best friends, especially under these circumstances. He still didn’t really remember much of what happened, but he had a pretty good idea of what he must’ve done. He knew he had been getting risky with his Xanax over the last few weeks, but he didn’t think he’d actually ever overdose. Not to mention, he sent the text about wanting to quit. Goddamn, he cringed so hard at himself that it almost showed physically. He just fucked himself over in every way possible, didn’t he? Now, Zach knows he takes antidepressants, and probably Ned and Keith know, too. Fuck, this was embarrassing. He couldn’t even successfully leave the company, let alone this life.  

He wonders if they will forgive him for being so shitty the last few weeks. But, at the same time, was he even ready to give up his old habits. He was laying here, next to Zach, but his mind kept drifting back to his pills and drinks and cigarettes. It was exhausting. Why couldn’t he just lay here and enjoy Zach’s energy. Why was he so fixated on getting fucked up? Eugene tried to fidget with Zach’s fingers as a way to distract himself. Maybe if he could get his mind off his pills he wouldn’t crave them as much. At least now he’s conflicted about it. Before, the only thing he was worried about was when he’d be able to get high or drunk, but now he could feel a part of him that wants to be sober. Though, he would be lying if he said he was ready to stay clean. He still needed a distraction. He still needed something to keep him low.

In all honesty, he wasn’t sure if he even felt better from how he did before. The only difference was the lack of the constant anxious shake in his stomach, but that was probably just because of the IV of whatever-the-fuck they were pumping into his system. Plus, he didn’t know what this meant for after he got out of the hospital. Will he just go back to work? Will he still have his antidepressants? Will they even let him out of the hospital? Oh god, what if he was too unstable to be let out? What if they put him in the mental hospital? Jesus Christ, just because he didn’t feel it in his stomach didn’t mean the anxiety wasn’t there. His brain was quick to overthink without the aid of his pills. His pills. His pills. His pills. It was the loudest thought in his head and he fucking hated it.

Time passed slower than ever as he waiting for five in the morning to come around so he could talk to the doctor. As promised, the nurse, Laura, came back to check on him. Her face looked surprised when she opened the door and saw the two sharing the bed, but she never asked anything about it. She only asked the important questions like how he was feeling, if he remembered anything, and all the other bullshit that Eugene wasn’t overly excited to talk about. It was when she started asking about his mental state that he finally started to really _feel_ his anxiety kick in. He didn’t know if he should lie or not. He didn’t know if he could.

It started off easy with a ‘how long have you been abusing your antidepressants?’, which still hit Eugene like a truck. He didn’t know if he should say years, months, or weeks. What if they already knew and they were just testing him? If he said he couldn’t remember, would they believe him? He settled on ‘a few months’, keeping it vague enough for them to not truly know the extent of his use.

“Any mental health issues? If so, how long have you had them?” she asked, still writing something on the clipboard. She kept her voice low so she didn’t wake up Zach in the process but Eugene knew there was no way Zach was waking up. He was _out._

“Yeah…” his eyes were jumping from place to place, almost uncontrollably. He wondered if it was from his anxiety or lack of medicine to keep him stable. “For a long time.”

“How long?”

“Long enough for it not to matter,” he drummed his fingers against his leg.

“Childhood? Teens? Early adulthood?” she pressed.

“Childhood, probably,” he threw it out quickly, like if the words lingered on his tongue too much they would become part of him.

“Alright…” she was writing a lot now, which made Eugene even more nervous. “Any past suicide attempts?”

His breath hitched. This wasn’t a _suicide attempt_. He was not suicidal. He can’t be. It felt like all his blood ran cold and there was a pain in his palms. He has never been suicidal and never will be. That’s that. “No,” he choked out. Which wasn’t a lie. He’s never tried to kill himself before; not that he was a few days ago either.

“Self-harm?”

He coughed and shook his head ‘no’, but couldn’t bring himself to say a verbal reply. He didn’t know if he could lie aloud yet.

“Accidental overdoses on any prescription or over the counter medicines or alcohol?”

Another shake of the head in her direction. What can he say, college was a tough time for everyone, right? He can’t have been the only one to get alcohol poisoning? Or the only one to get their stomach pumped? The more he thought about the ‘accidental’ overdoses, the more he wondered how he was even still alive. Jesus Christ, he’s risky with himself. And whether it was intentional or not, he can never remember for each time.

“Okay, earlier in the week, Zach mentioned some of your drinking habits. Would you like to tell me about how much you drink regularly?” when she finished writing, she looked up at him but gave a not-so-subtle glance in Zach’s direction.

He wanted to say no, but he knew that wasn’t an acceptable answer. “Yeah I probably drink everyday…”

“On average, how much would you say you drink a day?”

Once again, the truth was not the correct answer. He wasn’t about to just say ‘until I black out’ because who knows where that would get him. “A few glasses or so…”

“What do you normally drink?”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Eugene’s voice had a hint of sass to it, which he didn’t mean to let show.

“Based on the ABV of different drinks, we can gauge how much you’ve destroyed your liver over the years,” she retorted with an equal amount of sass. Regardless, she had a fair point, but it wasn’t information that he necessarily wanted or needed.

“Fine… Usually just wine or liquor,” if he could cross his arms, he would. But he can’t, so he would have to get the point across with his eyes instead. He glared at her until she looked up from the clipboard to see it. She instantly glared back.

“Look,” she started, her eyes piercing his, “I don’t know you, and I likely won’t ever know you, but I’ve seen Zach and both your other friends around here every single day. I’ve been the one here to see how much this has affected Zach. So, I don’t care if you want to throw your life away but please, for the love of god, fix yourself for Zach. Or at least try.”

He turned his head to Zach, who was still sleeping pressed against his side. He wasn’t sure what this feeling in his heart was but it hurt. A lot. Maybe he wanted to cry? Maybe he wanted to hug Zach? It was such an overwhelming feeling in his chest. He really hasn’t fully stopped to think about anyone else. Zach had been here every day and night, sleeping in an uncomfortable chair, just so Eugene wouldn’t be alone. Why would he even do that? It was heartwarming but also sickening. He hated that he impacted Zach so much. Why couldn’t Zach just not care? Why couldn’t any of them just not care? This was so fucking frustrating. It was so unfair that his self-inflicted actions would cause other people the same pain.

He nodded at her, running his fingers around one of Zach’s hands. He was still so cold, but the contrast was nice. “I’ll try,” he whispered, not looking back up at her. He could feel her approval, nevertheless.

“Good,” she walked closer to the door, “He deserves it… Dr. Buchman should be here soon to talk to you about the post ICU arrangements.”

“Okay,” he nodded, looking at her. “Thank you…”

“No problem,” with that, she left the room, closing the door behind her. Now it was back to just him and Zach and the quiet. As he was looking at the way Zach’s lips curved in and his stubble appeared on his chin, he wondered if the other man had dreams. He wondered if his best friend ever had nightmares like the ones he’s had. Probably not, he thought, none of the other guys were as fucked up in the head as he was.

The passing thought about the other guys made him think about what it would be like when, or if, they came to see him. Hell, they probably didn’t even know he was awake. He wasn’t even sure if he was ready to see them yet. Seeing Zach was different because, well, he didn’t really have a choice, but the other guys made him a bit more nervous. Maybe he thought they would be less understanding. Or maybe it was because he didn’t feel the same way toward Ned and Keith that he does toward Zach. He would just have to tell Zach, when he wakes up of course, that he isn’t ready to see their other two friends. That’s not weird, right? He’s allowed to not be ready? What if they take it personally? God, he just didn’t know how awkward it would be. Plus, all the questions they will probably have. Rightfully so, but still, Eugene wasn’t sure if he was ready to talk about himself on this level yet. He wasn’t completely sure why he did it more with Zach, but that was just how it happened. It wasn’t like he wanted to be so open and vulnerable, but something about the way Zach spoke to him made him want to open up a bit more. What if he was just becoming weak?

His vision zeroed in on Zach’s face. The biggest distraction in the room. Zach and his stupid great face that was sitting so close to his shoulder. They were nearly pressed up against each other and Eugene couldn’t tell if it was anxiety in his stomach or just butterflies. What the fuck was wrong with him? Zach was straight for all he knew. He was Eugene’s best friend and coworker, for fuck sake. Regardless of how he or Zach felt, they couldn’t be in a relationship for professional reasons. There were too many things that could go wrong. They could break up and that would make everything change for their company and their friendship. It would affect more people than just them. Their relationship would be beyond just them two. It would be them, the company, Keith and Ned, the fans, their employees, everyone. Too much was dependent on the stability of their compatibility and Eugene wasn’t about to risk that. Who knew what would happen to him if he somehow lost his best friend and, if they ever did get together, boyfriend. The whole thing would be too much for him emotionally. He just wasn’t ready. No matter what.

The tracing of Zach’s veins on his hand eventually caused Eugene to drift. Because apparently four days’ worth of forced sleep wasn’t enough for him. He thinks Zach was radiating enough peaceful energy to lull him back to sleep, which wouldn’t be the most outlandish possibility. But when five o-clock rolled around, a man entered the room with Laura, waking him up from his light nap.

The man, his doctor, Dr. Buchman, rounded the bed and introduced himself quietly, “We’re going to need to wake Zach up and move him to the lobby.”

Apparently, everyone was on a first name basis with Zach, “Can he not just sleep here…? He’s super tired. I don’t think he’s slept much this week…” The last sentence sent a spoonful of guilt to Eugene’s stomach because he knew it was his fault.

“I’m afraid not. We have some confidential information to discuss and since Zach isn’t legally related to you, he’s not permitted to be here,” Dr. Buchman said in an almost fake nice tone. Eugene gave an anxious nod. What kind of information would they be discussing? He had already talked to the nurse about all this bullshit, did he need to hear it to?

He turned back to Zach and nudged him a little with his right hand, “Hey, Zach?” He whispered, “Dude you’ve gotta wake up… Zach…” Zach hummed, furrowing his eyebrows as he opened his eyes. Eugene felt so terrible for waking him up this early, especially since his eyes looked so tired.

“Hey, you have to leave for a bit… sorry…” Eugene gave the most empathetic look he could muster.

“What? Oh,” he ran his hands down his face and lifted up, “Yeah… Yeah, I’ll go,” He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and looked back at Eugene and Dr. Buchman. “I should probably call the other guys anyway… Tell them you’re awake,” he started towards the door with his phone in hand.

“Wait, Zach!” Eugene spoke urgently, “I don’t– I can’t see them yet, okay?” He looked at Zach, then to Dr. Buchman, as if the authoritarian man could help him. Zach looked confused.

“What? Why?”

“Actually, it’s probably best that Mr. Yang doesn’t have many visitors now that he’s awake. After I’m done talking to him, we can discuss what’s going to happen as far as visitors are concerned,” Dr. Buchman stepped up and Eugene sent him a silent ‘thank you’ with his eyes.

“O-Okay, I guess…” Zach nodded and left the room, leaving Laura, Dr. Buchman and Eugene alone together.

“So, Eugene,” Dr. Buchman started, looking at a clipboard thick with papers, “You finally rejoined us this morning at 2:47… How do you feel?”

“I’m fine,” he was short in reply, not particularly excited about the coming minutes.

“Alright, well, I assume you know why you’re here?”

“Yes.”

“Great, so let’s get right to it! First, we’re going to talk for a bit about why you’re here, specifically, then I’m going to perform a mental health assessment on you. Is this alright?”

“Sure,” Eugene’s voice was filled with insolence but his body language displayed fear and anxiety, with his hand clenching and unclenching repeatedly.

“You arrived here on Tuesday of this week at about 11:30 due to an apparent overdose on the antidepressant Xanax. Do you recall any of the events that occurred that day or the day before that?”

“No,” clenched, unclenched, clenched; he felt like he was squeezing his own heart in his hands.

“Can you remember, or at least give a guess as to what might’ve caused your overdose?”

Pause. Yes, “No.”

“I see,” Dr. Buchman scribbled on the paper. “It’s not uncommon to have a fair amount of memory loss after an overdose on this specific pill. We did run a fair number of tests while you were asleep that showed extensive amounts of alcohol in your system. Can you tell me about your drinking habits?”

            Shit. What is he supposed to say? Fuck, fuck, fuck. “I drink pretty regularly…”

            Dr. Buchman hummed, “Are you aware of the side effects of drinking while prescribed to Xanax, especially when both are being misused?”

            “Yes,” that’s exactly why he misuses them both.

            “So, you have been intentionally mixing the two substances in addition to misusing them?”

            Fuck. He can’t say no because he already knows. Shit. He can’t lie his way out of this one. “Technically, yes.”

            “Based on this information, as well as your own personal knowledge, can you tell me if the overdose on Tuesday was accidental or intentional?”

            The truth was sitting on the tip of his tongue but a lie sounded so good. He looked at Laura and remembered what she said earlier. About Zach. He looked down at his hands, “I don’t know.”

            “That’s fine,” more scribbles, “Now I’m going to start the mental health assessment. Based on the results after this, one will be performed by a psychiatrist from the Resnick Neuropsychiatric Hospital. Are you ready?”

            Eugene nodded.

            “Okay, it is extremely important that you answer every question truthfully and with the most accurate response to your knowledge. Do you understand?”

            “Yes.” No.

            “Alright, in the last six months, have you experienced any of the following symptoms: excessive anxiety or nervousness about common activities or occurrences, feeling a lack of control in your own life, trouble sleeping without aid from any substances?”

            “Yeah…”

            “Which ones?”

            “All of them…” Eugene watched as Dr. Buchman made more marks on the paper, which made him increasingly anxious.

            “Have you experienced any physical pain or discomfort such as: chest pains that feel associated with heart attacks, stomach sickness like nausea or vomiting for no physically explainable reason, dizziness or lightheadedness, hot or cold flashes, or intense physical fear that could be felt in times where you think you might die or could die?” Eugene listed off which ones he experienced, which was close to all except the hot and cold flashes.

            “Have you experienced a panic attack within the last six months? If so, how long ago?”

            Panic attack. Panic attack. He has one every fucking day. He probably had one the day of the accident if he had to bet. “Yeah… almost every day, I think… I don’t know.”

            “Do you purposely avoid situations where you think you might experience a panic attack?”

            “I try…”

            “What about personal trauma or a connection to trauma? Have you ever experienced a traumatic event or heard about one happening to a close family member or friend?”

            Eugene didn’t think he had? He wouldn’t count anything in his life as traumatic, but to be fair, he wasn’t exactly sure what counted as traumatic or not. Do nightmares count as traumatic? Does having a fucked-up childhood count as a traumatic event? What about the whole of his early twenties? He answered with a no even though he wasn’t sure. He was allowed to lie at least a little on this part, right?

            “Have you experienced or taken part in any of the following that could be related or due to a possible traumatic experience: recklessness with your own life, often tense or on guard, trouble focusing or remembering, purposely avoiding events or people that are associated with a specific memory or feeling, the inability to feel happiness or positive emotions while doing something that was previously enjoyed?”

            Dr. Buchman was really nailing this whole situation on the head. Eugene might as well just put a ‘yes’ next to everything his says. He nodded, “All of them.”

            “What about weight loss or change of appetite depending on your mood? You seem to be in a lower weight class than the average male for your age and height.”

            “I don’t eat a lot. It makes me sick.”

            “When did this start?”

            “It comes and goes… Sometimes it’ll happen for a few months. Sometimes only for a few days. It’s always been like that?”

            Dr. Buchman flipped the page and continued writing, “What do you mean by ‘always’?”

            “Just ever since I can remember… I don’t know…” he seemed to not know a lot. It was annoying, even to him.

            “That’s okay. Do you ever think about your own death or taking your own life?”

            “I’m not suicidal,” Eugene insisted with three words that he never thought he would ever have to say this much.

            “That wasn’t the question.”

            “Yeah, I think about it sometimes, but who doesn’t?”

            “Do you think about killing yourself?”

            “I–” _Think about Zach,_ He looked down into his lap, unable to pick at the cuticles on his left hand, “Yeah…” Eugene heard the pen hit the paper but still didn’t look up to face either Laura or Dr. Buchman.

            “Would you say that you experience mood swings or periods of time where you feel completely opposite from the previous month or week, but you switch back after only a short time?”

            “Not really, no.”

            “Okay, and finally, back to the substance part of the assessment. Have you ever tried to cut down on your use of Xanax, alcohol, or any other unlisted substances?”

            “Never.”

            “Are you aware of the effect that the use has on your life in both a personal and professional setting, yet still continued to use regularly?”

            Eugene shook his head and sighed, “Yeah.”

            “Have you ever experienced withdrawal symptoms when being unable to use during a specific time. Some symptoms include sweating, shaking, higher pulse, increased anxiety, headache, restlessness, fatigue, irritability, or any others that you may have experienced that are not listed?”

            “I get really nervous when I don’t have… _them_. I–I don’t know why, I just shake and get so sick to my stomach… It hurts so much,” he felt like he could break down. All of the words the doctor had used paired with all the emotions Eugene was so relentless to show. The question now was: Does he have a problem? Does this go beyond just him to solve? Did he finally push himself past his own breaking point? “It really fucking hurts all the time…”

            “What hurts?” both Laura and Dr. Buchman looked concerned, but Eugene’s eyes never looked up enough to see.

            “Everything! All the time!” he yelled. He was a watched pot that was finally boiling over. “And I don’t know how to stop it!” Wet, hot tears streamed out of his eyes as he yelled at the two. Why was he even saying this to two people who he only met consciously for the first time today? God, he really did need help. He needed more help than he knew he did, and he was going to do it for Zach. For Zach and Keith and Ned and the company. Most importantly, he was going to do it for himself. He didn’t want to feel like this anymore. He was tired. He was tired of feeling so helpless all the goddamn time. He was tired of it all. He put his head in his hand and shut his eyes to stop the tears, but he wasn’t sure how good he was doing. His whole body shook and he couldn’t tell if it was the lack of pills or just his overflow of emotions. Likely a mix of both.

            Laura appeared in front of him, shoving tissues in his face for him to use. “Here, use these.”

            “Eugene, I need you to tell me if you want help,” Dr. Buchman remained in his seat, in the same position as he was when he first entered.

            “W–What?” Eugene sniffled.

            “I can’t hold you here against your will, but I can recommend your admission to the psychiatric ward at Resnick. So, tell me, do you want help or not?”

            “I–I think so…” maybe he wasn’t ready to get better. Maybe now wasn’t the best time. But he sure as hell was going to try.

\--

            Zach was nervous. He didn’t know what kind of questions Dr. Buchman would be asking Eugene and he knew Eugene is _not_ good with personal questions. How is it that even when Eugene is awake, Zach finds a way to be worried about him? It could just be because he’s afraid Eugene’s going to get put away in the ward. What if he’s with fucking insane people. He can’t let Eugene go there, right? That’s not where he belongs. He needs to be at home with his friends and his family; people who love him and care about him.

            Regardless, he needed to call Ned and Keith. They needed to know he was awake, even if they weren’t able to see him yet. He dialed Ned first because he’s more likely to be awake because of the baby. But after a few rings, Zach realizes he’s probably wrong in his assumption. Thank god, he still picks up.

            “–Ello?” Ned mumbles through the phone.

            “Ned? Hey? Did I wake you up?” Zach probably sounded antsy, but this was urgent.

            “Yeah, it’s fine… Wassup?”

            “Eugene’s awake.”

            “What?!” Zach felt Ned snap to his senses.

            “Yeah, he woke up a bit ago… He’s fine physically but they’re not letting people see him yet.”

            “Wait, so I won’t be able to see him?” His attitude fell almost instantly.

            “No, not yet. I’m sorry…” Zach felt bad because he’s the only one out of their group that will be able to see him. He knew how much Eugene meant to both Ned and Keith, which probably hurt them to know they wouldn’t be able to see him and for who knows how long.

In the background, Zach heard a very tired and concerned Ariel ask who was on the phone, and a very disappointed Ned say his name. She sounded even more worried when she asked what was wrong, but her mood quickly flipped when he told her Eugene was awake. Apparently, she snatched the phone from Ned as well because her voice was now loud and clear on the other side. “How is he?”

“He’s alright, I think. Physically he’s pretty much great, but I don’t know if I can say the same about mentally.”

“It’s okay… At least he’s awake,” she let out a sigh of relief, “We’ll be there soon, okay?”

“Are you sure? You won’t be able to see him yet…”

“We’ll be there.”

“Alright, see you soon…” he was about to hang up before he remembered someone needed to call Keith, “Wait! Will you call Keith for me?” He didn’t feel like having to explain it again.

“Yeah, yeah, we got it!” She hung up.

He felt so fucking bad that they couldn’t see him yet, but what made him feel worse was the fact that it was Eugene who brought it up first. Eugene was the one who said he couldn’t see them. But why? Why didn’t he want to see his other two best friends? It didn’t make any sense, but he wasn’t about to tell Ned and Keith that Eugene was the one who said they couldn’t see him.

Without realizing, he was pacing in the empty waiting room. The sun hadn’t come up yet so the only light was coming from the dim overhead and hallway lighting as well as the outside streetlamps through the window. He liked that it wasn’t daytime yet because everything was quieter and more peaceful. He didn’t have to worry about people seeing him. He didn’t have to worry about seeing other people. That was another thing he had been worried about during his time at the hospital: people, more specifically fans, seeing him, Ned or Keith here. What would they think? Obviously, the word would get out and with them people close to completely absent from social media, who knows what people would start. Zach was absolutely sure the last thing Eugene wants is for their whole following to know he overdosed. For Christ sake, he didn’t even want his three best friends to know.

The more time that passed while he was in the waiting room, the more curious he got as to what Eugene and Dr. Buchman were talking about. A thought in the back of his mind told him to go to the room, but he knew better than to do that. Eavesdropping is wrong, especially when it’s a situation like this. He shouldn’t even want to know what they’re talking about, anyway, because it’s none of his business. It’s between Eugene and Dr. Buchman. Period. But he couldn’t help himself. His feet were carrying him before he could even fully comprehend what he was doing. Soon, he was right in front of Eugene’s door, the sound of voices could be heard if he stood close enough. He hated himself for doing so, but he pressed his ear lightly against the wooden door. Zach caught the end of one of Dr. Buchman’s questions, “…experienced that are not listed?”

There was a warm second in between the end of his question and Eugene’s reply. His voice sounded anxious and shaky. It made Zach’s stomach hurt, “I get really nervous when I don’t have… _them_. I–I don’t know why, I just shake and get so sick to my stomach… It hurts so much. It really fucking hurts all the time…”

Dr. Buchman’s reply was almost instant and filled with a fair amount of concern, “What hurts?”

“Everything! All the time! And I don’t know how to stop it!” Eugene was so loud that Zach could nearly hear him completely clearly, even though the door. He was crying now, and Zach could hear it all. It made Zach want to cry, too. He put a hand over his mouth, half in shock, half to keep him from completely losing it at Eugene’s words. He heard Laura on the opposite side of the door hand something to Eugene, which Zach assumed was probably a tissue.

“Eugene, I need you to tell me if you want help,” Dr. Buchman’s voice was calm towards the still crying Eugene, who stuttered out a what, which was similar to what Zach was thinking. “I can’t hold you here against your will, but I can recommend your admission to the psychiatric ward at Resnick. So, tell me, do you want help or not?”

Oh my God, is Eugene going to get admitted? Oh, God, oh no. No way he’ll want that for himself. No way. He can get better on his own. He doesn’t need to be admitted. Zach, Ned and Keith could help him, right? There was a pause in between Dr. Buchman’s question and Eugene’s answer, which filled Zach’s stomach with anxiety and suspense. He can’t want to be there, right?

“I–I think so…” Eugene was almost quiet enough that Zach couldn’t hear. Does this mean that he’ll be sent away? Will Zach even be able to see him?

“Okay, good. I’ll send your information to the staff at Resnick. We should have one of the psychiatrists over here by late morning or afternoon to do another evaluation. Hopefully we’ll be able to get you a room at Resnick by tonight or tomorrow. Based on the professional opinion of the psychiatrists, you will either be placed in an inpatient or partial hospitalization program to help you with some of your unresolved issues. Is this alright with you?” Dr. Buchman was giving information that made it hard for Zach to not burst into tears.

“Yes,” was all that Eugene said. Zach had to leave. He had to leave before someone left the room. He had to leave before he started crying in the middle of the hall. He had to leave before Eugene knew he was here. He wiped the little tears that had begun to form from his eyes and walked quickly down the hall. Eugene was being sent away? No, he was willingly going. What the fuck was happening?

He took a seat near the window, close to where he sat when he had a panic attack yesterday. He watched out the window as a few people walked between the hospital buildings even though it was still dark outside. Only when his vision noticeably blurred did he realize he was crying. Slow tears dripped down his cheeks but he didn’t bother to wipe them away. He just sat, with his hand over his mouth, watching the people. He didn’t want to think about Eugene but it was hard not to. Maybe he was just being selfish to want Eugene to come home. Was it possible that he was only thinking about himself? Fuck, he didn’t want to think about that either.

He sat like that for a while, trying his best not to think about it, but failing miserably. Eventually, Laura walked in, giving him a distraction that would only make him think more. She sat next to him but didn’t speak for a second, almost as if waiting for Zach to speak first, but he never did. “He’s pretty sick, Zach…”

He didn’t want to let her know he knew some of it, “How bad was it?”

“He’s going to need rehab for sure, but we haven’t told him that… He’s going to spend some time at Resnick, though…” she spoke sympathetically.

Zach nodded, “For how long?”

She sighed, “Depending on what the psychiatrist thinks, he could be there for a week or so… Maybe just a few days of inpatient and a few of partial, but I’m not sure. I think he’s worse than you thought… especially since he’s going to be experiencing withdrawal…”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me. He doesn’t tell any of us anything…”

“I’m sorry Zach. I know how much he means to you,” she rubbed his shoulder lovingly.

“Can I go see him?”

“Mm-hmm, Doc should be done with the evaluation by now,” she stood up, Zach following suit. He dragged his hands down his face to get rid of all the remaining tears. Hopefully he didn’t look like he had been crying.

He and Laura met Dr. Buchman at the closed door of Eugene’s room, “Zach, if Ned and Keith want to see him, it’s fine with me, but you just need Eugene’s approval, okay?”

Zach nodded and they parted ways as he opened the door to reveal Eugene sitting up, staring out the window. His face was stained with tear streaks and his eyes were puffy, but Zach didn’t say anything about it. Looking back toward the door as it shut, he noticed Laura didn’t follow him in, leaving just the two of them alone yet again.

“So, how’d it go?” Zach moved toward his chair.

Eugene sniffled and wiped his nose before quickly turning to Zach as if nothing was wrong, “It was good.” He insistently nodded.

“Good,” Zach nodded back. There was an elephant in the room but Zach wasn’t going to be the first to bring it up. He wasn’t sure if Eugene would either. “Do you think you’ll be able to see Ned and Keith?”

“I really don’t think I can, Zach,” Eugene let his façade slip a little with the sentence.

“Why not? They really want to see you…”

“I know but the last few weeks, I just, I haven’t really spoken to them at all. I don’t think I know how to yet…” Eugene’s right hand fidgeted with the tubes in his other arm as he looked down, avoiding Zach’s eyes.

“What? No, Gene, they don’t care about any of that, okay? They’re just happy you’re awake,” he wanted to say alive, but he wasn’t sure if that was appropriate.

“I just don’t think I can… I mean, like, are you sure they aren’t mad at me?”

“Why would they be mad at you?”

“Because I’ve been such a shitty friend and I haven’t done any work at all! I literally haven’t talked to any of you in weeks and when I did talk to you I was short and awful! I don’t even know why you’ve put up with me, it’s ridiculous!” Eugene started to ramble as his eyes glossed over with a layer of new tears. “I don’t understand how you didn’t kick me out of the group anyway, either! I haven’t done anything for you. I ignore your texts and calls and I barely show up to work! How could you even still want me to work with you? I just don’t understand how you don’t fucking hate me after all this!”

Zach reached for Eugene’s hand and held it so he would stop fumbling with the wires, “Do you think we hate you? That I hate you?”

A few tears dripped from Eugene’s eyes onto their connected hands. It made Zach want to cry all over again. “I think you should…”

That broke Zach’s heart into a million pieces. He felt it in every part of his body. Eugene thinks they hate him. Liquid bunched up at the corners of Zach’s eyes, threatening to fall. “Eugene, look at me,” He used his other hand to gently lift his friends chin so they were making eye contact, “Nobody hates you, okay? We all love you so much. Ned and Keith love you. Becky and Ariel love you. I love you. They’ve all been here as much as they could be, waiting for you to wake up so they could tell you that.”

Eugene shook his head and looked away, tears gently flowing from his eyes, “You shouldn’t have to deal with this…”

“We don’t mind at all… You’re worth sleeping in this uncomfortable chair for days, Gene,” Zach gave a small laugh even though he was crying, hoping to lighten the mood a little. He saw Eugene smile as well, so he must’ve done something right. “I really need you to understand that.”

He huffed as he turned back to Zach, “I don’t deserve you…”

“No, you’re right. You deserve more.”

Eugene giggled at that, snot flying out of his nose and all. “This is too much sentiment for one day…”

Zach laughed back, rubbing his thumb across the back of Eugene’s hand, “You started it.”

“Oh, did I?” Eugene replied sarcastically.

“Mm-hmm, it was all you, dude,” Zach retorted, pursing his lips and pointing his chin down into one of his many notable facial expressions. Once their mutual laughter died down, he returned to the more serious tone of the conversation, “No, but really, will you please let Ned and Keith see you? I know Ned’s on his way here and Keith probably is, too, but Ned was really upset when I told him he wouldn’t be able to see you…”

“You told them I was awake?”

“Well, yeah? They’ve been as restless as me waiting for you to wake up…”

“I guess that’s fair… I should really see them, shouldn’t I?”

Zach nodded. “I’ll text Ned to see if they’re here yet…”

“Zach?”

“Yeah?”

“Stay with me?” Eugene gave Zach’s hand a little squeeze.

“Of course,” Zach squeezed Eugene’s hand back and smiled at him with no intent to ever let go.

\----

            Eugene was afraid to let go of Zach’s hand when Ned and Keith walked in, but he did it let go anyway. He felt Zach struggle to release his hand but he shimmied away nevertheless. The air was unusually cold in the absence of Zach’s grasp. It was unsettling. He didn’t know what to do with himself; how to sit, how to think, how to feel. Why was seeing his best friends suddenly a task to him?

            Ned walked in first, sticking his head in and smiling as he made eye contact with Eugene. He felt really guilty as he watched Ned and Keith walk in. Both of them had better places to be. Ned should be home with Ariel and Wes. Keith should be with Becky. They could be working. They could be sleeping. They could be anywhere but here. They shouldn’t have to be here for him.

            Zach was the first to speak, never moving away from his place next to Eugene, even keeping his hand laying on the bed just in case Eugene needed to hold onto something, “Hey guys…”

            “Hey…” Ned cleared his throat as he settled in to a surely uncomfortable standing position at the edge of the bed. Keith didn’t say anything, just stood somewhat near the door and stared at nothing in particular. It got very quiet after that, no one knowing what exactly to say. This was awkward as fuck.

            Eugene sent mental messages to Zach to try and get him to say something but he was sure that wouldn’t work like he wanted it to. He really didn’t want to talk about anything relating to his current situation but he was sure the other two had questions, just like Zach. But, for some reason, it was just easier to talk to Zach. Especially when it’s about things like _this._

            “So,” Ned started, rocking back and forth on his heels, “How’re you feeling?”

            The question was directed at Eugene, which he wasn’t ready for, “I’m alright, I guess…”

            Ned nodded, “Good. Good.”

            No one made eye contact. No one talked. If Eugene hadn’t known better, he would’ve guessed they were holding their breath as well because he sure as hell was. The only noise was coming from the muffled beeping of his monitors, which probably wasn’t helping the situation at all. He could feel the minutes passing by in the tense silence as they all kept their mouths sewed shut. In a way, Eugene almost liked it more than actually having to talk. He wasn’t even sure of what he should say. Do they need to talk about what happened? Or the fact that he’ll probably be gone for a while? There were a thousand thoughts of what he could say in his head but there was not a single one that he wanted to actually say out loud.

            Glancing at Zach, Eugene caught his friend’s eye. Apparently, his face spoke more than any words could because Zach gave Eugene’s hand a small squeeze when the other two weren’t directly looking and mouthed ‘it’s okay’ which made Eugene’s head calm down a little. But now he just hoped neither Ned or Keith saw the little exchange, which created a whole new anxiety for him.

            Ned cleared his throat before using his voice again, “How long until you can come back home?”

            Eugene shrugged, he wasn’t sure if they knew he was going to Resnick, “It just depends, I guess…”

            “On?” Ned’s gaze was burning holes in Eugene. He looked at Zach for help. Zach raised his eyebrows but acknowledged what Eugene was trying to tell him and took the attention away from him.

            “Dr. Buchman said he’d probably have to spend some time at Resnick… Probably for about a week or so…” Zach provided.

            “Oh,” Ned nodded, “I forgot about that… I’m sorry, Gene.”

            “Don’t be,” Eugene mumbled back, “I did this to myself.” He looked at his hands, avoiding everyone’s eyes.

            “Did you mean to do it?” Ned was resting his hands on the bars at the bottom of the bed, but Eugene could almost see his knuckles go white from how hard he was gripping it. He looked over to Keith, who hadn’t said anything yet, but turned away before their eyes met.

            “Probably,” he still wasn’t sure if he did or didn’t, but he was sure that if he had his way right now, he would do it. On purpose. It was like a switch had flipped in his brain. Suddenly, he was okay with letting go. Even after talking to Zach. Even after talking to Dr. Buchman and Laura. It was like the feeling that had once been buried deep within him was resurfacing right in this very moment. Like he was willing to accept it. He almost regretted saying so much to Dr. Buchman because he just wishes he was home so he could take a few blues. Sure, he wanted to get better, but he wanted to get fucked up more.

            Out the corner of his eye, Eugene saw Keith drag his hand down his face. He wondered what his friend was thinking. For Ned, he didn’t have to wonder because he was being the more outspoken of the two, “So, does that mean you’re actually leaving the company?”

            Shit. He hadn’t actually thought about that. To be honest, he had completely forgotten about the whole message that he sent. Wow, he really fucked himself over. “I don’t think so… I don’t want to leave. Not yet, anyway.” He paused, but as Ned opened his mouth to speak again, Eugene restarted. “I guess I’ll been gone for a while, though.”

            Ned acknowledged, “At least you’re still going to be there though. We’ve missed you a lot.” Zach nodded in agreement. “It’s not the same without you…”

            ‘I can’t imagine it’s any worse’ is what Eugene wanted to reply with, but he knew better. He didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore with his ridiculous self-doubt and depreciation that he shouldn’t even have. It’s annoying. “I know… I’m just not sure how soon I’ll be back, like, I don’t care about how you guys want to change the pay from the videos I’m not there for but don’t worry about paying me. I don’t need it.”

            “You’re still going to get paid, Gene. It’s just as much your company as it is ours,” Keith stepped closer to the other three, speaking to Eugene in an obvious tone. “Why would we not pay you just because you’re going through some shit? That’s stupid.”

            “Well, I mean, I’m not doing anything. I’m not putting in any work,” for the first time, Eugene looked directly at Keith, “It’s not fair to you guys to give me portions for all the extra work you do when I’m not there.” Eugene’s voice probably sounded sassy but he wasn’t in control enough to help it.

            “Dude, that doesn’t matter!” Ned raised his voice, “We’re not gonna cut you off just because you fucked up!”

            It was quiet again. Eugene didn’t know what to say because he still didn’t think he deserved their money, or their support, but he knew if he argued any more then Ned would probably get annoyed. Eugene was desperate for his friends to stay, regardless of whether he wanted to admit it, he couldn’t afford to piss them off.

            Zach felt like the only calm one in the room, “Are you okay with that?” he was facing Eugene, capturing his whole gaze.

            Eugene nodded, because he didn’t feel like he had any other choice than to agree, “Yeah, I guess so.” Zach gave him a knowing look but accepted his answer anyway. He decided to change the subject before things got silent and awkward, “What time is it?”

            Ned pulled his phone out of his pocket, which made Eugene remember his phone, “It’s about 6:30, why?”

            “Just wondering… Have you guys seen my phone?” Eugene curiously looked around the room as if it may be laying around on a table or something. Zach made a humming noise and got up from his seat. Walking to his backpack, he pulled Eugene’s phone out of the front pocket and tossed it back to Eugene. He didn’t even to bother clicking the button because the only people who he needed to hear from were in this room with him and everything else he didn’t care about. Regardless, he muttered a thanks at Zach.

            He wished there was a way to get them to leave. Even Zach. He needed his friends more than anything right now, but he still wanted to be alone. He needed a bit of time away from people. Away from talking. Especially about this. He wanted to be high so being alone was probably the closest he would get; but as much as he’d rather be getting high right now, he knew he couldn’t. He knew he was exposed. In reality, he was probably never going to be able to get high ever again, and he wasn’t sure if he was ready for that. In the meantime, he just needed some quiet. But not the kind that had been going on the last fifteen minutes. He needed real, peaceful, and lonely quiet. He didn’t want to have to feel another presence in this room. He didn’t want to have to make conversation to mask the tenseness. Maybe he could say he was tired? The only thing with that is that Zach probably wouldn’t leave. Not that it’s a bad thing, he appreciates Zach for being so great, he just needs space. Maybe he could click the button that calls for Laura that tells her he needs something? Would she go with it?

            “I kind of have to use the bathroom…” Eugene offered, trying to sound convincing, even though it was fairly true.

            “Oh! Do I need to get Laura?” Zach pointed to the door.

            “No, it’s okay, I’ve got the little button thing over here. I don’t know if you guys should be here while I, yeah, you know?”

            “Yeah, you’re probably right… We should go,” Ned stepped away from the bed and closer to Keith. “Will we see you later?”

            “I don’t know yet. Sorry…” Eugene hopes not.

            “Alright, well, if we don’t then I’m sure we’ll see you tomorrow or something, okay?”

            Eugene nodded. Hopefully by tomorrow, or maybe later than that, he would be ready to see them, “Yeah, okay, that sounds good.” He mustered up the best smile he could. “Zach are you going, too?”

            Zach looked a bit surprised, “Right. I can if you want me to?”

            “I mean, yeah, it might be a bit weird if you stay,” Eugene gave a small laugh, but it was noticeably fake.

            Zach nodded and followed Ned and Keith out the door, “See you in a bit, Gene.”

            Eugene whispered ‘sure’ but he didn’t know if Zach could hear him or not. Hopefully the latter. He reached over and pressed the button for Laura. As much as he didn’t want to get up, he should probably pee considering he literally hasn’t in four fucking days. Fingers crossed that this encounter won’t be too awkward.

            It only took about three minutes for her to get there, which Eugene spent mindlessly looking at the birds outside his window. She entered quietly, but maybe Eugene could only not hear here over the sound of his head.

            “Finally need to pee, huh?” she joked, beginning to unhook a few of his wires.

            “Yeah, something like that…” he cringed at himself because that sentence could be interpreted in a way different way than he meant it.

            She peaked at him through her bangs, but kept her head down, “So, how’d that talk with all your friends go?”

            “It was fine.”

            “Just fine? Weren’t you glad to see them?”

            Eugene wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk to her about this, but for some reason he found his mouth moving, “Yeah, but I don’t know. It just didn’t feel right– like it was too soon.”

            “When was the last time you’d talked to them?” Laura pulled the portable IV pole out from behind a monitor and motioned for him to stand.

            “I’m not sure… I think last Saturday but I don’t remember talking much,” he swung his legs over the edge of the bed, preparing to get up slowly. Not using his legs for so long made him feel weak. Hopefully he wouldn’t fall over. “I think it’s been weeks since we’ve actually talked like we used to.”

            “I would say I’m surprised, but I’ve been with Zach this whole week, so I know how little you’ve been seeing them,” she placed her hand under his elbow for support, inching him closer to the bathroom. “I think it’s been longer for them than it has been for you.”

            “What’s that supposed to mean?”

            “It means you’ve lost a lot more time than you think. Everything’s warped when you’re busy binge drinking and taking too much Xanax,” The words stung Eugene’s ears. She was being so blunt but he probably deserved it. He wasn’t quite sure what to say to that, though. “They miss you…”

            He wished everyone would stop saying that. He knows he’s missed, but he isn’t even gone. How could they miss him when they know where he is? When they see him right here? “I wasn’t gone that long… It was only four days.”

            “Yeah, and the weeks or months before that. You were only asleep for four days but you haven’t been awake enough for at least the last month to actually be with people who care about you,” Laura opened the bathroom door, the light coming on automatically. “Do you want me to stay in or out?”

            As awkward as it would be to go to the bathroom with her in the room with him, he wasn’t sure if he could stand up on his own yet. Half of his weight was probably being weighed on her right now, even though he was trying his best not to use her as a crutch, “Just don’t look at me, okay?”

            She nodded, leading the way into the bathroom, also guiding the pole for him, “You can go sitting down if you think you might pass out or fall.”

            “I’ll be fine.”

            It was an awkward three minutes of Eugene trying to manage his way to actually being able to pee, then peeing for a good minute and a half, then trying to put himself together without falling. All while Laura was holding his back so he didn’t sway from one side to another enough to send him to the ground. Thankfully, he didn’t fall, but he wasn’t sure the floor was very clean anymore. They both washed their hands and started back to his bed. He laid back down carefully before she started to hook him back up.

            “What all did Zach say? While I was sleeping?” Eugene broke the silence by only slightly changing the subject; shifting the direct topic from him to Zach.

            “He said a lot… Not all of it to me, but just know that he cares about you more than I think he even cares about himself,” she was serious for a warm second before snorting a little, “For Christ sake, he wouldn’t even leave the room to _eat_ unless I forced him to!”

            “What the hell? Why would he do that?”

            She looked at him with the most ‘are you serious’ face he had ever seen, “Eugene, have you ever been in love?”

            “No?” He furrowed his brows at her.

            “Well, when a person really likes another person, they do things that they wouldn’t normally do… Like skip meals or sleep in a chair for an undetermined amount of time.”

            “Are you saying Zach is in love with me? Because I honestly doubt–”

            She cut him off before he could finish his thought, “Look, I can’t say for sure if he’s _in love_ with you, but I can say that I’ve seen lots of married couples here, especially old ones, and the way Zach acted toward you was no different than any of them. So, all I’m saying is to not push him away. Don’t let him go.”

            Eugene was speechless. He didn’t want Zach to be in love with him. He didn’t want anyone to be in love with him. There was no way he was going to allow himself to drag anyone else down with him, especially not Zach. The only person he was allowed to hurt was himself, and it was going to stay that way. Plus, there was no way he could even sustain a relationship right now. He was going to be gone for a while and he didn’t even know if he would get visitors at Resnick. He just wasn’t going to do that to Zach. He wasn’t going to make him wait. He wasn’t going to make him put up with any of his bullshit.

            “Can you tell them I’m sleeping?” was all he said in response.

            “Sure… I’ll be back in a bit,” she finished with the weird machines and walked toward the door, “If Zach’s with me when I come back, I’ll knock twice before coming in, okay?”

            “Okay…” Eugene nodded at her, “Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also like hi olivia if you're here i finally updated but i know you don't have your phone right now, so if you're reading on the computer i hope you enjoy it a lot lmao (sorry to call you out like this if you want me to edit it out i will yikes lol)

**Author's Note:**

> IG: 7startledstarfish  
> Tumblr: what-makes-you-laugh-karl  
> Wattpad: yepitsneeka  
> Gonna try to upload as much as possible, but school just started up so keep up with my life (only if you want, I'm not that interesting lol) follow me on these places. I will probably follow you back (especially if you tell me you came from here, I'm always trying to make new friends).


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